


Not some pretty woman bullshit

by beeseven



Category: GOT7
Genre: 2Jae, Angst, Breaking Up & Making Up, Character Development, Choi Youngjae-centric, Drug Dealing, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, MIGHT BE TRIGGERING, Non-Graphic Violence, Prostitution, Self-Medication, Suicidal Thoughts, drug dealer youngjae, homeless youngjae, medication abuse, not always but gotta warn people, thief youngae
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 02:29:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 83,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21809902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beeseven/pseuds/beeseven
Summary: “Y’know I don’t need much when it comes to you. Just tell me why you came, Youngjae I’ll take anything.”Youngjae looks at him and Jaebeom is like an open book, his eyes are clear even if clearly tired he comes closer. “The last time I was here something really bad had happened, it doesn’t matter now. But the way you made me feel… I felt safe and I don’t think I have ever felt like that. I missed the feeling.”“The feeling of being cared for?” Jaebeom asks taking a step closer, and now they are maybe too close.“I have a friend, she cares for me. That’s not it.” They have their eyes locked and it’s overwhelming, Youngjae is taking long deep breaths “I miss the feeling of you.”“Fuck,” Jaebeom says lowly his voice too close to Youngjae’s ear, he lets his lips touch the younger boy’s neck only for a second.
Relationships: Choi Youngjae/Im Jaebum | JB, Lim Jaebeom/Others
Comments: 147
Kudos: 173





	1. gravity.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Marsonist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marsonist/gifts).



> \- ok so first things first i promise to not abandon this story im actually pretty excited to write it and i hope to keep it going it might be long tho i have too many plans for it  
> \- the whole story is inspired by Taeyeon's Gravity as the name of this chapter, pls give it a try is an awesome song as everything else she does and this is story will be equally gay  
> \- i hope you enjoy my first chapters are always short... but then get ready for long ass essays lol

The heavy footsteps on the wet asphalt were louder than they were supposed to be, they were a warning and Youngjae knew that yet he didn’t bother to look up. Any other day he would, but tonight he just didn’t care about whoever approached him, the weak light coming from the streetlamp, the force of the waves under the bridge he was sitting on plus the warmth of the smoke on his inside making him forget about his hunger was too distracting. The person, a man, was finally beside him. “Hi, can I hum-- sit here with you?” he said voice insecure but so so sweet it was like honey to Youngjae’s ears, he doesn’t even remember the last time someone talked to him like that as if he was delicate or something. Well, it’s not as if he lets people talk to him like that either. 

Yet he didn’t look up, he wasn’t in the mood to be sweet-talked by anyone, or to talk at all, he was already having a conversation with himself in his mind he didn’t need to add anyone to the equation. “Bro, the bridge is long enough for the both of us, sit wherever suits you,” Yougjae huffs as if to make a point, then in less than two seconds the guy is making a rapid movement and sitting right beside him. “What the-- you know damn well that wasn’t what I meant!” 

And at that Youngjae looks and the other man, he is as handsome as they come the boy thinks, pale with long hair, a nose ring shining in his nose, his clothes too provocative for the cold night, that’s when Youngjae gets it. He’s also skinny, but then all of them out here are he reasons with himself. The boy not too much older than Youngjae smiles at him, which makes him even more beautiful, the other licks his lips “hey, it’s a cold night I just thought that if we were to sit closer it would be warmer. Smart, hum?” 

Youngjae doesn’t answer instead narrows his eyes at him, he’s too pretty to be outside like that but then that’s what some assholes will tell him when they want to fuck him so he just shuts his mouth. He just keeps his eyes on the strong waves while he smokes, he offers the cigarette to the boy beside him who accepts it eagerly. As they sit there for quite a while they share some cigarettes and the other always tries to initiate conversation but Youngjae won’t even look or reply to him, that goes on till he gives up completely but doesn’t leave so it’s not a complete win. 

As the sky is getting darker and darker Youngjae stars to get sleepy and sleepy, that’s when he feels a cool hand over his own, the touch almost makes him jump on his own place, “I’m just making sure you don’t slip.” 

“That’s why you sat here in the first place, isn’t it? What? Were you scared I was going to jump, so you decided to be a hero for the night? As if a weak handhold could have stopped anyone,” Youngjae is saying as he tries to get his hand free from the older boy's hold but if anything it only gets tighter. Their hands aren’t as cold as before, but the firm hold is starting to hurt, “I won’t slip.” Youngjae says looking for the first time right at the other’s pretty eyes, he wishes he didn’t they’re like an ocean of their own, he could get lost on them easily. 

“So, you weren’t planning on jumping?” He asks voice honey-sweet again but one of his eyebrows rises, the hold on Youngjae’s hand not strong as before, just a reminder there the hand still there and that’s it ain’t going anywhere. 

Youngjae smirks at him, their eyes still locked, “nah, not tonight anyways. Let’s get off this bridge so I can have my right hand back.” And so they do, for his surprise, the other won’t stop following him, “hum, bye stranger?”

“Exactly! Stanger, I need a name, maybe a number too but that I doubt you are too much of a surly ass so a name, for now, would be good enough. I’m Jaebeom.” He gives Youngjae a smile that he supposes is a sexy one, but Youngjae hates it, too fake, he liked the ones at the bridge better. Either away he shudders at the mention of a phone number. 

“Jaebeom,” the name sounds foreign on his tough saying it for the first time, “look at me,” and then both of them do, his shabby sneakers and jeans, his many layers of coats all of them looking too thin on him. He feels small, as small as he was feeling before Jaebeom appeared on that bridge earlier. “The name is Youngjae, but don’t think I have anything else to offer.” 

He turns on his back but he isn’t able to give more than two or three steps before Jaebeom is turning him around, “where are you going right now? The nights are getting colder and longer… I-- of course you already deduced what I do, but I only suck some dicks or let them suck mine nothing more than that.” Youngjae closes his eyes, he really doesn’t care about Jaebeom methods. “Anyways, my pimp… she, her name is Elektra, we have a place, of course, I share a room there but maybe you could spend the night just because is cold and--”

Jaebeom was speaking too fast and he seemed scared for Youngjae as if it was the first night the boy was going to spend in the streets, it almost made him smile. “Your pimp is a woman?”

“That’s what you take from all of it?” Jaebeom sounds offended. 

“Feminism be hitting them different theses days,” Youngjae tries to joke, but Jaebeom doesn’t even smile. “Listen Jaebeom, I’ve been on the streets for a long time, yeah? So, no need to worry about me, I know how to get around just fine. I’m a big boy, see?” And it was funny that now he was the one having to reassure the other that he would be okay. 

Jaebeom had his arms crossed in front of him, maybe it was the cold, “where are you going to spend the night, though? What do you do to eat?” The worry never leaving his eyes, which is something new for Youngjae, having it directed at him, it made the boy shiver and he almost, almost, felt a tear full fill one of his eyes he dries it up quickly, not knowing where it came from.

“I have my own person bench, alright? It’s been mine for so long no one even thinks about touching it… and what I do well some mugging here and there, only the rich obvious… more than that it’s a secret maybe I will tell you one day.” Youngjae tries to leave for the second time but Jaebeom is holding him again as if this is something they do now as if this is their thing not like they are complete strangers. The touch feels natural though, and Youngjae hates that. 

“You don’t have to tell me anything, just don’t spend the night outside again, come with me, maybe I can buy you some coffee I made some cash tonight--” and at that Youngjae really wanted to yell, why in the hell did someone willing offer to spend money on him? It was overwhelming, he wanted to punch Jaebeom, tell him to go away, he couldn’t punch him but he shook the hold the older had over him off. 

“Really, Jaebeom, see you around.” He says firmly, taking his arm away and taking long steps away from Jaebeom without looking back. 

But Youngjae didn’t think he was going to see the other around anytime soon, he was only in that area because of the ocean and how the waves would hit the rocks, he liked the sounds of it and to think how minimal he was in a big world like theirs. It was not the area where he lived if he could even call his existence a ‘living’, either way, his dealing, and his sleeping would all go in other parts of the city, not that he cared about seeing the honey-voiced boy ever again he told himself. 

He didn’t sleep that night, Youngjae had to walk a lot to get to his part of the city, walking kept him alive anyways, his blood circulating and hot in his veins. Still, no matter how cold the air was he felt like his right hand was still warm from Jaebeom’s hold, and he hated it because he knew it was impossible so it was just him being too much into his head. 

Youngjae didn’t even get to his spot yet when two white boys approached him, he knew them too damn well, his clients, Youngjae gave them what they wanted and they gave him what he wanted. It was more them enough for all his meals of the week, he decided he would skip breakfast he’s used to it anyways and then have lunch, meet with his boss since he needed more pills and save up the rest of the money. That was the only moment that Youngjae felt like he had something under control. The only moment he felt some kind of happiness no matter how empty he was most of the time.   
  



	2. tik tak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- quickly i should say this is heavily inspired by 'pose' (a tv show) and it's funny i just noticed it now ,,,  
> \- other than that pls enjoy?

“Wow, you look awful,” Bambam says laughing as Youngjae enters his penthouse, he smells like the most expensive cologne in the world and is dressed in expensive clothes too. Youngjae rolls his eyes, who dresses like that at their own place? “You could at least look more presentable, you know? Make an effort sometimes for the ladies.” 

Youngjae ignores his voice as he notices the immensity of the place, Bambam changed the furniture again and as soon as the boy sits on the couch he realizes how much comfier this one is, is like sitting on clouds. He tries not to sigh out loud. 

“Anyways, let’s talk business,” Bambam knees in front of the big center table, this one still the same and still not really a center table, he takes a lot, a lot of bottles of pills from it and places them on the top of the table. One of Bambam’s cats lies on Youngjae’s lap, the boy has no idea what to do, it feels warm enough with the little white ball there so he just let them be. 

“What is all… this…” he says trying not to disturb the cat but being disturbed himself by the number of bottles looking back at him in the table. He could recognize some of the stuff there but not everything. 

Bambam smirks sitting beside him speaking softly as if to tell him as secret, “I got this new stuff, Youngjae, my man! You have no idea, your people will love it! It will drive ‘em crazy they will be back asking for more on the same day, it will make us so much money. And like it’s good shit, you know I only do good shit,” he says as if it’s something to be proud about. “Wanna try something? On the house, of course,” 

“You know I don’t do this shit,” the older boy says in disgust with himself, he plays with the cat’s ears trying to distract himself and the little thing doesn’t even stir. “Anyways, why are you showing me so many bottles? Just give me two or three and I’ll be going.”

At that Bambam face’s closes off completely, “Youngjae, those,” he says pointing at the bottles, “are your deal. Everyone got their deals and those are yours! I need you to sell these pills and you’re going to sell this goddamn pills,”

“What the fuck man,” Youngjae wanted to put some sense into him but it was impossible with that cat on him, “take your cat!” He said waiting for Bambam to take the cat away wich only made the younger brunette seem even more offended. “You know damn well I only have this shitty backpack, how in the hell I’m gonna fit all this here with my stuff? And what if I get caught? I would never get out! I would be sentenced for life!” 

Bambam gets up with the cat in his arms, he looks like some kind of prince you would see in old books, his eyes impossible to read. “Don’t yell, you are at my house and my grandma is asleep. Secondly, do I look like I care? Youngjae, just stuff your backpack with it and get the hell out of here, we both know you’re smart enough to not get caught and at risk of sounding racist, we both also know that no policeman will ask you to see the inside of it. Take everything or leave everything.”

He said it in a final tone, Youngjae had no option, he couldn’t just leave without anything, he had to eat something, to wash his clothes, and even if he ends up sleeping in a shelter he still needed some money and he wasn’t willing to take from his savings. “I don’t have any money to give to you now, though.” 

“That’s a lie, but it’s okay, you can pay me by Friday. You’re the only one I make exceptions to, you know that?” His voice is way more gentle now, but Youngjae doesn’t even reply to him, he just puts every bottle in his blue backpack as quickly as he can so he can leave this place already. 

Bambam wasn’t wrong the pills were something else, they were selling at a crazy rating, it even scared Youngjae. One night a girl called his ‘dealer phone’ three times, he went to her place twice, at the third time he lied saying he was out of pills if she was going to OD she was going to do that by herself he thought, not like he didn’t help by going there twice already the voice on the back of his mind told him. 

The thing is he was doing some pretty dope money, and so was Bambam, of course, he was gaining clients, all of them rich college kids. One would share his number, then another, then another one, it worried him? Yeah, but it also gave him a meal every day and he even bought himself a new coat, he wouldn’t die in the streets, not this Winter. He also wouldn’t go to no shelter he would end up without the coat, but well, you can’t have everything. 

Thursday night Youngjae was lying on a bench and it was cold as hell but at least it didn’t rain so it wasn’t wet, normally he would be thinking about the amount of money he made how much he’s supposed to give to Bambam, yet his dumb mind can only think about also dumb Jaebeom. He kept him on the back of his mind for most of the days since he was busy working, but tonight is all he can think about, he turned off his phone, so no annoying teenager can interrupt him and his thoughts. 

It’s really dumb when he said ‘see you around’ he knew he wouldn’t see Jaebeom around, but it’s been weeks, so why didn’t he forget all about the other man already? Their interaction was nothing at all, is Youngjae so lonely that even a touch on his hand will make him go stupid like that? All he needs to do is take him out of his mind, he just forgot how to crash things inside him like he always does. 

The next morning he’s up before the sun rises, he will walk to Bambam’s complex of buildings, Youngjae can barely feel his legs this early in the morning and it’s so cold so he buys himself a cup of coffee. He tries to walk fast but he’s really dizzy today. There’s something on his throat like he can choke on that, tears that won’t fall he thinks briefly as he walks faster. 

He gets to the penthouse hours later, Bambam all too happy to see him, again looking too fancy for a normal person, but he ain’t normal. He hugs Youngjae as if they’re friends, they are not. “Again, awful looking, when was the last time you truly slept?” Bambam smiles brightly at him as if he knows something Youngjae doesn’t. 

“Anyways, let’s talk business,” Youngjae quotes the younger one, “here is your money,” he passes the other a pack full of money and now Bambam’s eyes are the ones bright. “Where are my pills so I can leave this hell place?”

“Oh, did it sell well? You seem eager,” Bambam smiles like The Joker, Youngjae hates it, is he supposed to say he was right? Or be thankful? 

“I’m not,” Youngjae says, he really isn’t. “But, yeah, it sells well. Of course, you already know it.” Bambam smiles directing him to the couch again, this time Youngjae doesn’t care about sighing out loud. 

Bambam looks him up and down and tells him to wait there, while he waits for him to come back the same cat from the other day appears. The cat fuzzes around a lot on the couch nuzzling at something that Youngjae can’t even tell what it is, he tries to investigate with the cat when both of them find it. A rose gold watch, it’s big and full of small diamonds or something else that Youngjae can’t tell apart, he almost has a heart attack when he hears steps. His first reaction is hiding the watch on the bottom of his backpack, he looks at the cat as if begging ‘please, don’t say anything.’

“Here you go,” Bambam comes back with a plate full of breakfast food, “it took a while mom wanted to put everything a man can possibly eat,” 

“Hum, I’ll just take the pills and go, Bam.” Youngjae is sure he is blushing but the reason is the goddamn watch burning on his backpack, he wonders if the cat would tell on him if they could speak. He tries to get up but Bambam puts a hand on his shoulder making him sit again, Youngjae hates the touch. 

“She prepared the food for you, also there are no pills till you eat the food and take a nap even if it’s on the couch, come on, Youngjae, I know we have our fights but you still my favorite boy I don’t know what you do with all the money you make but I don’t want you dying from exhaustion or whatever.” 

Youngjae thought that if he was too willing to leave they sure would suspect of him when they noticed that the watch disappeared, the fact is that they would suspect everyone who frequents the penthouse but that’s a lot of people, a lot of dealers he ain’t the primer suspect. So he eats and it’s the best meal he has since he can remember, maybe because a mom made it, and he naps too with his backpack on his back and he’s snickers on as he’s used to by now. The cat never leaves his side which Youngjae finds cute, he owes the animal a big one. 

He can’t nap for long though, the couch is amazing but his body just isn’t used to it anymore, when he wakes up he asks for Bambam and someone who works at the place gets him. “Okay, can I get my pills now?” Youngjae frowns. 

“Not even a ‘thank you, best friend?’” Bambam says sarcastically sitting on his chair next to the center table other two cats appear next to him. “As many as last time?”

“Hell no, bestie!” Youngjae mocks him, “it sells well and everything but I don’t want to be a machine selling those all the time, just give me half and we have a deal.”

Bambam didn’t give him just half of the amount of before, but Youngjae thought it was better to not complain, he already took so much from him today like literally took. Then he thought about something else. 

“Hum, do you know people, right?”

Bambam arches a brown, “all kind of people, why do you need something done?”

It takes a moment for Youngjae to understand what he’s talking about, “what, no, no, is not like that. I just… have you ever heard of a pimp called Elektra?” He says in shame for a reason he can’t tell. 

When Bambam laughs out loud he understands why he was embarrassed, “do you need info about a pimp? Come on, Youngjae I doubt things are this bad for you.” And he is laughing so hard, Youngjae thinks he will cry from it if he does the older boy will kick him in the stomach. 

“Is not like that! Do you know where is her building or not? I just need the fucking address, a guy who works for her owes me, so I need the fucking address!” He says annoyed to hell, Youngjae doesn’t even know why he asked in the first place but now that he did he won’t be humiliated he just won’t. 

“Yeah, yeah, everyone knows about her and her house she has the best girls and boys, you should try them some time it’s no joke. I’ll just text you the address.” Bambam says and texts it to Youngjae right away, then when Youngjae is ready to leave he smiles widely, “though, I know you would never sell any of this shit to whores. Bye, Youngjae.”

Youngjae hates him he doesn’t even feel remorse about the watch on his backpack. 

Another week goes by, Youngjae doesn’t know what burns more the watch still buried in the bottom of this backpack or Jaebeom’s address on his cellphone. He was able to charge his phone at the mall this morning but he also received a lot of texts from his clients today, a special day he guesses, so he’s almost out of battery. A special day for him too, because for some damn stupid reason he is standing outside the pimp’s building, is way fancier than he could have thought, in a fancy area too. 

For some reason, he imagined this place to be like in the movies, dark, with rats and disgusting men cheating on their wives, he’s probably right about the last part. But the rest? Completely wrong, he would understand if it was decent, but this fancy? Bambam must have pranked him. Before he can even turn the light of his phone off and go away someone whispers in his right ear, “oh, and here I thought I’d never see you again. I was losing my final hope.”

Then Jaebeom is right there in front of him, smiling as if he said something funny, and Youngjae can’t even react all he can do is look because here in this light Jaebeom look even prettier than he did the first time he saw him and, does he have glitter on his face? Youngjae can’t stop looking at his face, “hum, so you really live here?”

“Are you here because of me?” Jaebeom sounds surprised but happy, Youngjae wants to kill himself, he wasn’t supposed to say that. He wasn’t supposed to be here. Why is here? 

“No! I was making a delivery and worded things wrong. Anyways, see you around, Jaebeom.” But it’s stupid because his legs won’t even move, he stays exactly where he is looking at Jaebeom's pretty everything while the other analyzes him as well a small smile in his lips. “Really, I’ll just go.” He says weakly. 

“We could have some pizza--”

“No!” Youngjae almost yells. 

“It’s on me! Come on, let me have this one thing, please? Then you can leave with your ‘see you around’ bullshit.” Jaebeom pleads and the younger boy really wants to give in, maybe because he is really hungry or because he walked all the way here, or really just because Youngjae wants to feel something, to allow himself. 

He nods his head which seems to make Jaebeom the happiest man alive, Youngjae doesn’t smile at that even though is a hard task. They just need to walk a little to get to the pizza place and Jaebeom for some reason wants to hold hands but Youngjae beats his hand away. 

They eat in silence at first but soon Jaebeom is gossiping about the life of literally every person who lives with him at the house of Elektra as they call it, at first Youngjae is taken aback doesn’t know what to do with himself, he doesn’t even know these people. But then it gets funny and it’s just two young boys talking about others’ people lives since they don’t want to talk about themselves. 

The pizza tastes so good, so much better than the slices he gets himself, but he tries not to think about it too much just enjoying the way Jaebeom shines no matter what he does. The stories are so funny, Youngjae thinks they are all lies, but he doesn’t call him out on it, too amused to care. “Anyways, they are all so annoying there, but we are kind of a family,” Jaebeom says at the end of a laugh. 

“Yeah, I can see that but I’m not telling you any secrets, you can’t keep anything from others,” Youngjae was smiling freely. 

“Hey, I just don’t tell them to everyone, yeah? For special ones only,” Youngjae doesn’t know what happens then because everything happens in seconds, Jaebeom is way closer than he was before and one of his hands is over his own, and they are sharing the same air. It’s all happening too fast, they were just talking and now Youngjae turns his face to the other side scaping from a kiss making Jaebeom’s eyes kinda jump. He starts apologizing too fast but Youngjae can’t understand a word he’s saying, he just wants to leave already. 

“I should leave, thanks for the pizza and hum the conversation…” 

Jaebeom is looking down at his own lap, “look, is this because I just came back from work? You don’t have to kiss me if you don’t want, of course, not. But I can still suck you off, it doesn’t even need to be in a dark alley we can go up to my room, I bet no one will be there and--”

“Are you for real?” Youngjae can’t believe his ears, he thought… he doesn’t know what he thought but the word ‘affection’ comes to mind and now the other man is talking about sex as if they didn’t have an amazing night he feels the thing in his throat again. “Why the fuck do you think I’m here for?”

Before he can say anything Youngjae is walking out of the place though, he had too much of it, he breathes the cold air and it feels more natural, the weight of his backpack on his back, the cold hitting his legs making them shake a little, this is who he is, he will have to take the subway in order to not get stabbed tonight he thinks. He can’t walk for long before Jaebeom catches up to him, not that he wasn’t expecting for it. 

“I’m not dumb, I know you had my address. I know you came here to see _me_. So explain to _me_ why, if it’s not about the sex, if it’s not about-- that’s the only thing I have to offer, I mean I enjoyed the pizza and I wouldn’t mind do things like that with you, but come on, what’s on it for you?” Jaebeom sounds tired after his rant, maybe he is. And so is Youngjae. 

“I don’t know why I came, why I got your address, okay? I just came! I just wanted to see you, sometimes things are simple, people want to see other people I guess it’s no biggie. I will just leave for real, Jaebeom.” Youngjae lies because in reality he didn’t know why he came at all and it wasn’t simple, he didn’t just want to see Jaebeom he wanted more but he couldn’t even face it himself much less say it. 

“You’re just disgusted by me, just say it,” Jaebeom says quietly almost too quietly for the other one to catch but he does anyway. 

At that Youngjae laughs a mean laugh, he doesn’t mean to but he does anyway, “disgusted by you? And why the hell would that be, Jaebeom? You do what you have to do to survive, you do no one no harm. While me? My delivery? Drugs delivery, I’m the disgusting one here. I don’t have to explain to you how I think of life or ways of surviving what you should or shouldn’t do… but honestly, I’m not disgusted. Do me a favor and you be the disgusted one.”

It seems to take Jaebeom a while to understand what Youngjae just said but he quickly catches up, “come on, about the dealing I figured it out long ago. Just-- you really just wanted to see me? Like simple like that?”

“I don’t know, and either way it doesn’t matter anymore Jaebeom. Just, God, I’m going.” 

“This is not fair, you know where I live, how to find me, I know shit about you--” Jaebeom tries to follow him and he didn’t look as beautiful and confident as before, now he was like a kid following their mother around the house just before her shift. Scared eyes. 

Youngjae pushes Jaebeom, it wasn’t necessary but for some reason he wanted to show his force, it wasn’t that hard anyway just to show that the word ‘affection’ was out of their interaction for good. They locked eyes just like the first time. “You don’t need someone like me for shit. And I don’t need someone like you for shit.” He forces his passage with another push not looking back at Jaebeom walking all the way to the subway wishing he could walk. 

He deletes the address from his phone but it’s stupid now he knows how to get to Jaebeom’s place, he knows how it is to have a meal with the other guy, he even knows how it is to have an argument with him. He shouldn’t have gone there, this is obvious, he should have stayed away from Jaebeom this seems dumber than stealing from a big drug dealer. Yet here he is having done both in less than two weeks. If anything Youngjae feels like trash for the outcome of his dinner with Jaebeom, he felt good for the first time in years, it didn’t have to end like that if they would just listen to each other. He didn’t want the older boy to feel bad because of him, he wasn’t that heartless, but he would forget about Youngjae soon, everyone does, he really ain’t good for shit. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thought yj might seem kinda annoying ghvfknf don't judge him just yet boy's going through too much  
> also 2jae dramatic much???? i noticed it when i was rereading but i was like??? what can i do??? that's literally what i have planned so be dramatic u two  
> and............ thanks everyone who is nice to me <333 vhnknfs also don't expect daily updates god im tired today ! pls read it well


	3. badbadbad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -this one really tired me off jrghvncddcf plsss enjoyyy  
> 

Rachel was one of Youngjae’s oldest clients, she was probably addicted but she showed no strong signs and probably all of his clients were at this point. It really was not his place to try and help them, actually, his job was to not help them he thought. That’s why he was now at her frat house with her friends with almost all his weekly stock negotiating for one of her parties. 

“Come on, Jae, can’t you at least give us a 5% discount? We are buying so much and Rachel here even invited you over to the party… plus you are not the only dealer--” a ginger girl, Youngjae can’t remember her name for shit is saying, but it makes him smirks and start putting all his bottles back on his backpack. 

“No! No, Jae, she’s dumb, she doesn’t know you have the best shit. God, shut the hell up, Amy! We will pay the right amount, alright? Wait here I’ll get your cash,” Rachel begs with her eyes while Youngjae just smiles at the other girls like he just won some kind of game. Amy, the ginger girl, pouts defeated, which only makes the boy want to laugh out loud but he doesn’t. 

Rachel comes back with his money, is a lot of money, she walks him to the door, just the two of them. “Amy was right about me inviting you over to the party, though. It would be really nice to see you outside all this,” she says gesticulating with her hands. “You are so cool and laid back, I’ve never met a dealer like you,” she smiles putting her blonde hair behind her ear, “you can even bring your friends over, it wouldn’t be a problem, you know that right?” 

Youngjae looks at her incredulous, she has always been some flirtatious kinda he thinks, but inviting him to a party fool of rich people? The only possibility he would go is if-- no there’s no possibility, “yeah, hum, maybe.” He tries to smile.

“Let me know, right?” She’s all smiles

Is the last thing she says before Youngjae walks out on her. He can hear her voice saying ‘you can even bring your friends over’ again and again in his mind. Friends. What a concept he thinks, those girls in that house are they friends? He never had friends, not even when he was a kid. They always hated him, even when he didn't know the reason they seemed to find out before him. 

They found out Youngjae was different before he could find out for himself, he was left alone since he can remember. He couldn’t rely on anyone no matter how much it hurt him back them, no matter how much it still hurt him now. He had no one, he still has no one, he has no hope to ever have someone no matter how long he will live. 

That night Youngjae doesn’t sleep either all he can feel is emptiness and loneliness, he thinks about every person he has ever met and how each one of them has hated him. He wants to cry but he doesn’t, he thinks of Jaebeom but he tries not to. The more he tries to not think about the other boy the more he thinks though, how little he thinks about himself, Youngjae thinks is a waste. He doesn’t know the other that well, but he’s pretty sure the other is the best person he met, or maybe it is just him projecting he doesn’t care is only on his mind. 

The thing is, all the projection leads Youngjae to a problem he never thought he would ever have: stalking. He goes to Jaebeom’s building almost every day, some times more than once a day, it’s starting to be a big deal. Youngjae doesn’t get to always see him, but when he does he feels like he accomplished something, which should be worrying enough for him. The worst part it’s that when he doesn’t get even a glimpse of the other boy his mood will drop completely. 

Tonight is one of these nights, actually, he hasn’t seen Jaebeom around for more than three days and it’s starting to bother him. “That’s what you get for being a stalker,” he thinks to himself. He checks the time on his cellphone and as soon as he does that Bambam calls him, he thinks about decline the call but he knows the other will call again and again till he picks it. “What?”

“I need to see you, right now!” Bambam says in a melodic voice but there’s nothing sweet about it. 

Youngjae stares at the building again rolling his eyes, “you have no idea where I am right now and it’s late as hell, it can wait till tomorrow.”

“I could care less about where you are right now, my sweet Youngjae! Come to the fucking penthouse!” At these words, Youngjae feels goosebumps all over his body, the air becoming extremely cold. Fuck this is about the watch he fucking knows this is about the watch yet he has no idea what to do. 

He tells himself to just breathe and to not seem suspect yeah that will have to do for the time being, ‘be smart, Youngjae’ that’s his mantra he repeats to himself all the way till he gets to Bambam’s penthouse as if it could save him. When he gets there is way past midnight and it’s just the two of them but Bambam is waiting for him with the cat that ‘helped’ Youngjae in his lap, his face impassive. 

“Make yourself at home, like always mi casa es su casa,” 

Youngjae isn’t dumb though, “what couldn’t wait until tomorrow man, just say it already I’m tired.” He doesn’t even take a sit scared knives will jump from the sits. 

“Jae, sit,” it’s a command, so he does reluctantly. “I’m not doing this because I want to, but you know my mom is the head of the family, and she says we gotta be fair. I asked it to everyone so I gotta ask you as well.”

Youngjae only nods feign innocence as if he has no idea where this is going, “ask away,”

Bambam smiles widely “something I valued, value, a lot, disappeared from my house. It made me and my family really sad, you see it was a present, my mom, herself had picked for me. So now, the part I had to ask is if it was you the one who took this gif…”

At this moment Youngjae really didn’t know if it was best to pretend to be offended or something else, normally he wouldn’t be offended so he didn’t think that would work. He went for surprised. “Someone stole you? Dude, of course, it wasn’t me. I would be dead if I--”

“That’s it. I said it remember? You’re too smart to get caught, anyway. And you’re right you’d end up dead. Anyone would, no exception. I think it was Miguel, just needed this eye to eye with you. Thanks, you can crash at the couch if you want.”

Youngjae is so caught up at the fact that Bambam believed him that it takes him a few seconds to understand what was said. “Wait wait wait, what did you just say about Miguel?” 

“Around this time tomorrow no more Miguel,” Bambam says it like is nothing, Youngjae is ready to throw up on this carpet that probably costs more money than he can count. 

“Are you gonna kill him? Are you even sure it was him? And because of a what? What the hell did he steal for you to be this mad, Bam? You can’t kill him! What the fuck man, don’t go around killing your own people like that--” 

Bambam interrupts him by pulling him by his shirt as if Youngjae weights nothing, “never, ever, tell me what to do again. Like ever! Who the fuck do you think you are? I could put you in the streets right now selling nothing but cheap shit that wouldn’t let you make enough for you to eat in weeks! But most important is the principle you don’t just steal from your boss and end up without a lesson. Now you can go. Leave!”

He doesn’t have to tell Youngjae twice, he has to leave this place, he tries calling Miguel, he has his number because for some reason he has some dealers numbers. The other man doesn’t pick, Youngjae doubts he’s asleep, but again no one likes him no matter in what place he is. Luckily for him, or not, Youngjae has his address, and that’s where he heads to. 

Youngjae’s head is a mess right now but he ain’t about to let someone else die because of something he did, well he isn’t about to confess either. Miguel’s place is located in a pretty dangerous area, and Youngjae is pretty much shaking from head to toe but he walks with his head held high, that’s how he learned after being a punching bag for so many years.

Getting to the right place isn’t much trouble for him, well it takes hours, but it’s easy to find when he gets there it still dark, he knocks at the door, then he punches at it and punches a little more, he ain’t going anywhere. Then there’s a gun on his forehead and a tall guy telling him to stop or he’ll end up without any brains in his head. 

“It’s good seeing you too, Miguel,” Youngjae says trying to get away from the gun, “listen let’s talk inside, hum?”

“Aren’t you the fag that works for Bambam too?” Miguel says letting him in, looking obviously against the idea of Youngjae being at his house. The boy stares at him making a face. 

“Yeah me, anyways, are you aware of the theft? I mean did he call you there to ask you about it as well?” Youngjae tries. 

A woman comes downstairs and Miguel quickly tells her to go back to their room and not make any noise, at least that’s what Youngjae thinks he says. “Listen boy, you’re at my home at four in the fucking morning, almost five, tell me what the fucking you want. You woke up my woman, and--”

“Okay, you know what, about whatever was stollen at Bambam’s place he thinks it was you and he said you will be dead by tomorrow night for stealing from him. Are you happy now, Miguel?” Youngjae says all in on go. “So, I’d advise you to get your wife and your kid that I know you have and fucking go away before he gets here!”

“Who the fuck told you that? Why would he think I’d do that to his family? I’ve been working for his family since it was his father the big boss. You’re lying!” They are in a war of whispers screams right now. 

“He fucking told me! Why would I lie? Just fucking go away! What good is a dead father for?” Youngjae thinks Miguel’s wife heard their conversation that wasn’t that low anyways, she goes downstairs again. 

She looks at both at them as if begging for something, then at her husband, as if they could communicate just looking at each other, it’s not the time for Youngjae to feel bitter over things like that. “Thank you,” that was directed to Youngjae and he knows he’s at fault here not someone to be thanked for. 

“He will kill you when he doesn’t find me here tomorrow,” Miguel says looking at Youngjae with fear in his eyes now. 

“More like today, you don’t have that much time now and not as you care either.” Youngjae just walks away from the house. He has had it, he’s so tired, the sun is rising he notices as soon as he leaves the house. It’s so pretty, small things in life are pretty everyone knows it, or at least say it. But when you only have those things to look at they get even prettier. 

He’s probably about to get killed and he’s getting emotional about the sunrise, there’s something wrong with him. Youngjae takes the subway to his area where he does sell some pills today, he’s counting the hours though for something bad to happen. He doesn’t stalk Jaebeom, what good would that do today? If he sees him Youngjae will end up daydreaming all day long God knows why about things he knows won’t ever be real no matter how receptive to Youngjae Jaebeom was. And if he doesn’t… well, it will only add up to his agony.

So he works instead, Youngjae also decides to get dinner, it’s barely past 8 PM, he’s been really hungry lately maybe it’s the cold and the nerves, he’s barely out of the fast-food when the white limo stops beside him. A strong voice tells him to get in. 

“‘’m good, thanks.” He says trying to walk faster. 

“I said get in,” the man repeats himself, and Youngjae can see other three big men inside, what is in running anyway. So he just gets in, hands shaking, just as he thought Bambam is inside, his clothes all black, but he also dyed his hair, it’s purple now, it suits him, everything does. 

Youngjae is shaking so much he can’t even let a word out, so Bambam does, “you really thought I was thinking Miguel stole the watch?” Youngjae looks directly at him eyes widen. “I was testing you, Youngjae and you failed me like _always_ you failed me!” 

The car is moving at a crazy speed and Youngjae can’t even complain that it makes him scared, “I-- I--”

“You be quiet for once! You always have something to say, don’t you? You went behind my back and told Miguel to runaway you fucking snitch! You always think you’re doing the right thing that you’re better than the rest of us, well guess what you’re not, Youngae, you are not. Miguel is alive but fucking Bernie is dead.”

Bambam is yelling so much that Youngjae’s voice is barely audible, “what?”

“Did I give you permission to speak? But I’ll let you know Bernie the stupid boy who stoles everything he would look at, dead. I was sure it was him since the beginning.” Bambam takes something from his silk pants, a small gun, Youngjae swears to God he’s going to die. He points it at Youngjae, “next time you betray me like that, it’s you in the bottom of that ocean you like so much.” 

“Is there where his body is?” Youngjae asks even though he knows he’s not allowed to speak. 

Bambam just raises a brow as if to say ‘where else’, then the car comes to a stop “no pills for you for a month, survive on your own for once, bitch.” 

As if Youngjae could give a shit, he leaves the car as soon as they let him, he doesn’t even know where he is, he catches his phone from his pocket trying to call Bernie. He was a guy who couldn’t be older than seventeen, Bambam couldn’t have done it to a kid, he just couldn’t. And the more he tries and the thing won’t even work the more Youngjae will be worked up. It’s when it hits him that yeah Bambam could do it to a kid, he could do it to anyone, as Youngjae was killing people on a daily basis as he just helped do with Bernie right now. 

Youngjae started running his body taking him, everything burned, every muscle, every fiber on his body, he couldn’t breathe properly and he was full-on crying, sobbing for the first time in years. He didn’t even allow himself to do it, he always had to allow himself to feel something but this time the feeling, the guilty it was just way stronger than him, than the barriers, it was overflowing. And he thought he would never stop crying like he was crying everything that he didn’t cry in years. 

He reached the bridge in less than two hours, he was crying still, but he felt just so dizzy and like someone had hit his head over and over again. Youngjae looked at the waves and they were even stronger than the last time he was here, why were they so strong? Did Bernie have friends? Parents? Were they worried about him? Another flow of tears invaded him, and he couldn’t stop sobbing. 

Bernie was a cool kid he probably had a lot of friends and he probably would do something with himself, he probably would be missed. He died without doing shit. The person who deserved to die was there just looking at the waters. He didn’t know about his parents, but what if he really did have loving ones? Youngjae didn’t want to think, he didn’t want to--

“All because of a fucking watch I didn’t even sell, I did nothing with it. I’m so sorry. So sorry. I’m so sorry, please come back.” He sat on the bridge crying for what felt like hours but could have been minutes as well. 

Till he heard his name, “Youngjae?” It was tentative as if to not scare him, just like the first time, Youngjae wishes he would have been scared enough to slip. 

He looked to his side just to see Jaebeom getting closer and closer, he doesn’t move away when a hand touches the small of his back. All Youngjae can do is stare even though his eyes aren’t functioning well anymore. 

“Let’s get you off this bridge what about that?” Jaebeom says softly and the other boy just nods accepting the help. “You okay. You good. See?” He says as if Youngjae was a kid who made a mess but needed reassurance anyway. 

“I’m not,” Youngjae says, then he turns aways from Jaebeom leaning over the bridge to look at it again, the older boy pulls him against the warmth of his body even if he again isn’t dressed in so warm clothes. 

“Hey stop staring at this fucking ocean, come with me,” Jabeom commands, Youngjae starts crying again which makes the older boy apologize but it’s not him. It’s not his fault. Youngjae can only shake his head. 

They enter a car, “what is this?” Youngjae asks this is too much for two days. 

“An uber have you heard of this amazing invention?” Youngjae elbows him which only makes him laugh, “I like you better like this.” 

After some time with them sitting too close together Youngjae breaks the silence, “you come by the bridge a lot? Because I have never seen you before but now it’s the second time,” he asks in a raspy low voice after crying for long hours. 

Jaebeom blushes so hard at this, it’s dark on the car but Youngjae can still see it, he doesn’t understand the reason though. “You said see you around… even if we fought the last time. That was the only place I knew for sure you liked to be so whenever I could I would go there. Sorry is that creepy?”

Youngjae has no reason to laugh, not with everything that has been happening in his life but he smiles anyway, why would Jaebeom of all people care about him in this way? Youngjae has been nothing if not rude to him, and he seems so decent plus no one likes Youngjae, that’s a fact. He just doesn’t get it. 

“I little creepy yeah,” he says as if he isn’t more than used to the shape of Jaebeom’s building, as if he isn’t the stalker here, that’s exactly why he knows when they get there. “Why are we here, Jaebeom? You wanted to come home you didn’t have to bring me along, y’know.” Youngjae pouts. 

Jaebeom gives him a look as if he can tell that Youngjae is in so much pain just by looking at him, “even if we have to share your so-called bench tonight your not spending it by yourself, okay?”

Youngjae doesn’t have it on him to protest, honestly, there’s nothing much left on Youngjae at this point aside from thoughts of ‘killer, killer’ and all the bad things he has ever done. Jaebeom is guiding him to the elevator and explaining in which floor and apartment he lives as if Youngjae will ever come back here. 

“902, don’t forget, okay? You can always look for me, just say you’re an old friend they will understand that you’re not an annoying client,” he says as he opens the door to the younger male. Everything inside is pretty and in bright colors, not too tidy up, but Youngjae imagines that the people living there aren’t too old so it might be a challenge for them. “Are you hungry?”

He always is, but there’s something inside him now. “No, thank you. I think I should leave,” 

Jaebeom doesn’t even consider the last part, he walks Youngjae to a room at the end of a long corridor, “that’s my room. I share it with Jackson but I don’t think he will be home tonight…” he says as they get inside, it’s a nice room, Youngjae wouldn’t have another adjective it’s beautiful and he doesn’t remember what is like having a room of your own. “I’ll take a shower. I’m disgusting.” Jaebeom continues looking down at himself, “please don’t go anywhere.”

“I won’t,” Youngjae assures him for what reason he doesn’t know, he could, should leave. But he’s afraid of what is outside, afraid of himself being alone outside. He sits in the corner of the room, his back to the window so he can’t see anything, he doesn’t realize how long it takes for Jaebeom to get back but when he does he seems like a completely different person. 

Jaebeom is wearing a hoodie and sweats, his hair is damp, he seems pretty comfortable in his own skin now. Youngjae never took time to notice that he might not be as comfortable before, “get on my bed, it’s this one," he says sitting on one that is on the other side of the room. "Sorry, I should have said it before.” Youngjae just looks at him, he ain’t getting on that bed, “come on, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t want to get it dirty,” he murmurs.

Jaebeom sighs maybe because he doesn’t care but he can see why Youngjae would think he does, “you need a change of clothes?” 

Youngjae feels the tears rolling down his face again, “it’s not really the clothes, it’s me. I’m the trash bag that would get everything dirty, Jaebeom. Just let me be.” 

The boy cries silently feeling eyes on him when out of nowhere Jaebeom is dropping a blanket over him and sitting by his side. “There’s nothing dirty about you, why would you say that? When I look at you when all I see is light…” Jaebeom tries to dry his tears away but Youngjae only cried harder. 

“You wouldn’t say that if you knew just how much of a bad person I am. I’m just so bad, Jaebeom. You would tell me to go away, to go sleep with the fishes--”

“Hey, hey, I’d never tell you some fucked up shit like that. And stop with that, you’re not a bad person. Where is all of this coming from?” Jaebeom plays with his hair and it feels nice, so nice. Youngjae doesn’t know what it’s like to be touched with affection for so long it just adds up for his tears. 

“I-- don’t ask me! You will just hate me! What’s good would that be, you hating me just like everyone else does?” Youngjae says in a childish voice, but he lets himself be embraced by Jaebeom’s arms, his broad shoulders feeling like a nice place to rely on to cry. 

“I don’t feel like I could do this by now,” he says lowly, he keeps on playing with Youngjae’s hair till he speaks again. “Listen, you don’t have to tell me anything just-- know you’re not a bad a person. Life is bad, sometimes shit hits the fan, and we are the first ones to suffer… I’ve been in the streets too, Youngjae, I know it’s not easy but you’re doing what you can, what you have to do. You’ll be fine.”

This is not what, by far, what Youngjae needed to hear, Jaebeom doesn’t know he let someone else take the bullet for him. He doesn’t know Youngjae isn’t doing what he has to do, he’s doing wrong things, he is fucking up all the time. But either way, it makes him smile weakly at the other boy if only to reassure him that things will get better. 

Jaebeom passes out not long after that, he’s tired, Youngjae can feel his body relaxing against his own which is a weird sensation. Sleep doesn’t come that easy to him, all he can think about is that stupid watch and how much he wishes he could kill Bambam, even if he died right after, it would be his contribution to the wold. But he was tired as well, he had the worst days and he ran and cried a lot. 

Youngjae thinks about how he can't let Jaebeom find about how much of a monster he is, he doesn’t want to disappoint him, he doesn’t want that light in his eyes to disappear. All he does is lie even when it might be something good in his life he thinks bitterly looking down at Jaebeom. 

Slowly Youngjae slept as well a little just enough for him to have a nightmare, of course, it would be a nightmare, in the nightmare Bambam was a clown who would shoot every homeless person Youngjae has ever met with his small gun. But then when he was about to kill Youngjae and Jaebeom the boy woke up with a migraine that was killing him, he woke Jaebeom too in the process. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Jaebeom says blinking up at him, he had his head resting on the younger boy’s chest. 

“I need to leave, I’m suffocating here, get off,” Youngjae tries to push the other but he’s like an octopus who won’t move an inch. “Really, Jaebeom move, my head hurts like a bitch.”

Jaebeom gets his phone without giving Youngjae space, what a talent, “it’s four in the morning you’re not leaving at this time.” He says simply, “do you need some water?”

“No, Jaebeom, I need to fucking leave. I live in the streets, why wouldn’t it be okay for me to leave at four in the morning this is stupid just let me go.” Youngjae is being as soft as possible, firstly because his head really hurts because of the nightmare and because he doesn’t want to wake anyone up. 

“You’re right it was just a nightmare, and now you’re fine I’m here with you everything is okay. You’re okay. Just go back to sleep. I’m going to be here when you wake up tomorrow. You will be fine.” Just as Jaebeom said that he made himself comfortable again laying with Youngjae, the boy didn’t complain anymore. But Youngjae huffed if only to show that he wasn’t happy to be ordered around. 

They were still on the floor but it was comfortable for him and it was warm, warm as never before, he just hated how Jaebeom kept saying that everything will be fine, that he’s good when he’s not when nothing will be fine ever again. Youngjae hates himself for that, for letting Jaebeom believe something he ain’t. Now he’s the one playing with the hair with of the other boy and he wonders what in the hell he’s doing. 

Youngjae ends up sleeping a little more just like Jaebeom told him too, it’s not a good night of sleep but it’s warm is so warm. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter really gave me a nightmare lmao is no joke  
> anyways i wrote it while listening to yerin's 'every letter i sent you' is amazing :((( i recommend 100%  
> tell me ur thoughts on this chapt i was honestly sad lmao not even joking  
> i'll focus more on 2jae background from now on, try to let's see :) thankkk uuu fro reading


	4. there you are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- tw: in this chapter yj has trouble with food, he doesn't have an ed but he does has trouble eating because of his situation, so if triggers u im sorry that's why im lettin u know  
> \- i changed the titles of the chapters lol im changing small things nothing that really changes anything  
> \- other than that pls enjoy this chapter plsssss

Waking up to a weight over his body was the most strange feeling Youngjae has ever experienced, at least in a long while. It took him about two seconds to figure out where he was and what the weight was, the room was too dark and that made his heart take a jump. Youngjae only noticed the weight was Jaebeom’s body when the man moved to cuddle him, even more, if that was even possible, his hair tingling Youngjae’s nose making the boy almost sneeze. On top of all of that, it was hot in the room and he could feel that it was late already, he isn’t used to sleeping this much. He can hear voices outside which makes the younger male cringe, he needs to leave. 

Taking Jaebeom off of him without waking the other up is a hassle but he’s able to do so after long minutes and some stirs and murmurs, Jaebeom looks like an angel while he’s asleep. Youngjae feels something grow inside him, aside from all the bad things he has inside himself this one seems to be so pure, and he doesn’t know something else, but he can’t name it or maybe he’s too scared to think too much about it. 

He looks around for a piece of paper and a pen when he finds it, he scribbles his phone number on it and puts it next to Jaebeom. He just does it because Jaebeom said it wasn’t fair that Youngjae knew how to find him and the other had nothing, at least that what he tells himself. Youngjae doesn’t leave the room without giving Jaebeom a small kiss on his forehead though. 

He doesn’t know why he does it but it feels right, it’s just a way of saying ‘thank you’ he supposes. The moment he closes the door of the room memories of last night invades his head though, it comes all at the same time and he has an instant migraine his eyes becoming full with tears. He is about to leave when someone calls for him. 

“Hey, Jaebeom’s BF, right?” A guy a little smaller than him but way more built, asks giggling but stopping as soon as he sees Youngjae’s weird expression. “Hum, don’t you want to stay for lunch? It will be ready in a bit, right, Liam?” He says to another guy. 

The guy doesn’t have time to answer because Youngjae is already refusing and trying to walk out of the door, he needs to leave this place right now, he doesn’t need to stay and eat with people he doesn’t even know. He feels his skin tingling with anxiety. 

“Come on with you’re Jaebeom’s boy you’re more than welcome, I saw you two when I went to sleep,” Youngjae’s eyes almost jump out his face, making the boy laugh out loud a weird laugh, “don’t worry I didn’t see anything. Just you two on the floor, is that a kink or something?” He says biting on an apple, “I’m Jackson, by the way.”

Youngjae wants to die, he really does, “he-- he said you wouldn’t be back… I’m sorry for the inconvenience. I have to go.”

And then he does leave but he hears Jackson saying something about it being alright but he doesn’t care he just needs to walk out, to feel the burn of walking for long hours on his legs again even if they still sore from last night’s running. When Youngjae is outside and he feels the usual cold is not as assuring as he thought it would be, he still feels like shit. He takes his phone out, there’s a lot of texts from his clients he ignores everyone, not like he has pills to sell right now. And then he tries to see if there is any news about a body found in the docks or something, but nothing, nothing, he wants to crush his phone. He doesn’t. 

Youngjae walks a lot till he’s back to his area of the city, his phone buzzes sometimes but he ignores it, he tries looking for Bernie on Facebook but it’s hell when you don’t have a surname or any other shit to help you out. 

Youngjae thought he was out of tears but when he sits on a bench he sobs again, this is stupid, he’s acting like he’s in an investigation but there’s nothing here to find out. Not anymore anyway. What is done is done, he did what he did and Bernie is dead he can’t change the past by finding his Facebook, by finding out who’s mourning him. 

It’s almost night and Youngjae decides to go to a shelter, he doesn’t have much choice anymore, it’s getting colder than the past years. He checks some texts if only to delete them, there are some that catch his attention. 

_ <unknow number> 15:43: _

_why did u leave?_

_this is jaebeom btw save my number_

_ <unknow number> 17:02: _

_cant u let me take care of u ?_

At that Youngjae stops breathing altogether, what the fuck? No. He wants to delete the texts so he can’t save the number, maybe block Jaebeom’s number so he can’t contact him again but all he does is turn his phone off. He walks to the shelter he’s used to sleeping in the worst nights by now, but he doesn’t pay any attention to what is happening around him. Why would Jaebeom text him that? Jaebeom might like him for whatever reason, but he doesn’t really know Youngjae. He doesn’t know the things Youngjae has done, he doesn’t know how bad and dirty he really is how would he just offer himself to take care of the other. It just doesn’t sit right with the boy. 

If last night he slept with Jaebeom hugging him in a warm room this night he in a hard bed, the room is cold and the blanket is thin, he can’t sleep everything going through his mind. Bernie, Jaebeom’s text, his childhood, the way he misses his mother even if she hates him, Bambam’s harsh words. He doesn’t sleep, not even for a second, his body feels more tired than before he came here, he feels like he’s coming down with something. 

He doesn’t need to get sick, not right now, he tries buying some stuff for the flu on a drugstore, but it won’t go away. He’s spending from his savings and it kills him being honest, he has to eat at least once a day but he feels too weak for that. His stomach aches a lot when he does eat so he passes on his meals most of the time. He stops with the flu medication because it obviously it’s not that, it is him. 

“I’m probably dying,” he says to no one, he has no one to say anything anyway. 

Pretty soon Youngjae gets sick of spending his days doing nothing but overthinking or crying, now that he started crying is like he allowed himself to cry every night. And no matter how much he tries to go back to his old habits of not even having emotions he just can’t. Also, the money he has is all evaporating, he needs a way to make money, he doesn’t think he can sell that stupid watch neither does he think someone will give him a fucking job but he will try. Anything will do. 

That’s why he does his best, he wears the best clothes he has, which to be honest isn’t much, and what happens is exactly what he thought would happen no one gives him a second look. No one will give a job to a 19-year-old who doesn’t know how to do shit, who never had a job, who doesn’t have an address. It’s the third day and Youngjae is about to give up, he goes to the mall he always goes to charge his phone, there’s a fast-food chain and he tries it. 

“We are looking for new people actually,” Lupi the manager says smiling at him. “I’d love to have you with us if is what you want, you can start tomorrow.”

Youngjae can’t believe his own ears, she doesn’t care that he has no experience, she actually explains to him that someone will train him and that he will have his payment every Friday. Youngjae can only say thanks and promise her that he will be there tomorrow at the right time. And that’s what he does, he works there and it’s weird at first, he isn’t used to any of it, everything is new but nothing bothers him not really. He could say he’s even happy because when he’s there he barely has any time to think. The worst thing though is the smell of fried food, it always makes Youngjae sick, he can eat there but he rarely does because of the smell. He eats junk food when that’s all he can pay for but when this is all he sees all day and he’s stomach is already sick he just can’t help it. 

One day at his break Youngjae turns his phone on for the first time in three weeks, and just how he was scared of there are a bunch of texts from Jaebeom. He feels even sicker. One of his co-workers sits with him, he doesn’t know with he can call her a friend, he likes her and she is good to him so probably yeah. “Why do you look so blue?” She asks in a sweet voice. He is thankful, he always looks blue he thinks, but she’s nice enough to not say it. 

“I’m kind of a coward, I’ve beeing ghosting someone,” he says, which is also weird because normally he wouldn’t just tell someone about his private life. But he resonates this isn’t much. 

Joy, his co-work/friend, hums, “and why is that, did this person do something to you? Are you mad at them or something? Do they deserve that?” 

Youngjae looks down at his phone, he doesn’t read all the texts Jaebeom sent him, he can’t bring himself to do so, but the last ones were sent one week ago. 

_ <unknown number> 2:54: _

_whatever_

He sighs, “no, he didn’t do anything, it’s me. I just can’t--” before he can continue Joy smiles at him putting one hand over his own, stopping him. 

“Listen, you’re pretty closed off, I get that. Well, I’m not like that as you can see.” She gives him the brightest smile, “but sometimes, just sometimes, there’s nothing wrong with letting people in. It doesn’t mean you will get you’re happily ever after at the first try, but trying is a journey of its own, y’know?” 

He shakes his head, no, he doesn’t know shit. 

“What I mean is that it’s okay, even when you don’t experience the best of the things you always can take something good from it. And it’s even better when you have people by your side, doing everything alone is no way of living. Giving people a chance sometimes is giving yourself a chance, you might think you are doing it for them but you’re doing it for yourself. Shouldn’t you do things for you?”

“I don’t know if I deserve it…” and Youngjae hates it, he hates how he sounds, as if he seeking for pity, he is not. “I don’t want to be an annoyance on anyone’s life,” of course that’s not everything. Youngjae is not even ready to have people in his life, he’s thinking about himself. He thinks about Jaebeom offering to take care of him and he’s scared.

“Let them decide for themselves, what about that?” Then Joy is taking his phone from his hand and doing something he doesn’t bother to stop her from doing. “Here, now you have my number, you can text me when you need. I will text you and you better not ghost me, but I’ll understand if you do just don’t do it a lot, brat.”

Youngjae laughs at that, she’s calling him a brat now, his laugh dies on his throat though because Lupi calls for him before his break is over and he just knows something is wrong, Joy seems to know too but she assures him everything will be fine. Nothing is fine. 

“But what-- what did I do wrong? I promise I won’t do it again, please I need this job I really do and--” Youngjae is begging and one step from going down on his knees to beg even more for his job. But Lupi is looking at him as if there’s no way out of this even if there’s sadness in her eyes. 

“I’m sorry, Youngjae, I like you I really do. You are a quiet child but you do your work well, I didn’t want to do that but…”

“But what? What happened?” Youngjae thinks about every little thing he could have done wrong, could she be homophobic, he didn’t tell anyone though. Did she just find out like the others? 

“I shouldn’t tell you this, but kid there are people out there… and they don’t like you.” She makes a heavy pause, looking at every side even though they are at the back where no one can hear them. “They saw you here and said you had to go, in cases like that you really have to go, sweetheart. But you will have your payment just like you should, and I wish you the best of the luck.” 

Youngjae is frozen there for what feels like hours, it’s obvious Bambam’s work, who would hate him like that? Who would have this kind of power to make him be fired? This job was everything Youngjae has ever wanted, a way to make money without selling drugs to other kids. And Bambam took it away from him, he probably wasn’t even mad about the Miguel thing anymore he just didn’t want Youngjae to do something with his life, to have a way of living, he felt so powerless, he wanted to yell at himself. 

Before he could leave he felt a smaller body hugging him, Joy was crying like a baby, not even Youngjae was crying so he didn’t know what to do. He hugged her back and it felt as weird as he thought it would if not more. “I heard what happened, it’s not fair!”

“Life is not fair, Joy. I’ll be fine, you don’t have to worry,” he lied. 

“But I’ll miss you, and you’re so small you’re just a little kid you need someone to take care of you,” she says letting go of him, he dries her tears trying not to laugh at her. 

“We are both 19 and you’re smaller than me,” he argues, “anyways, I have always taken care of myself. It’s alright I promise. The world is too big anyway, there’s a lot for me to do,” he gives her his best fake smile, that fools no one. 

She nods her head thinking, “you have to at least promise to text me back, and… to text that friend of yours as well.”

“Why him?” He says annoyed, he’s trying not to think about Jaebeom ‘whatever’ text, too scared to read the previous ones. 

“‘Cause as I said no one does anything by being by themselves, and this friend might help you, let him help you, Youngjae, please.” 

  
  


As soon as Youngjae is out of the mall someone is calling him, he looks at his phone and it’s Bambam. He almost rejects it but he wants to hear it, “yeah?”

“How are things going, my favorite?” Bambam asks smile audible in his voice. “I heard you got a new job, not enjoying your vacations?” 

Youngjae laughs, he doesn’t find it funny but he pretends to do so, “you think you’re doing something? Listen, you can mess up with me as much as you like Bambam, I’ve never felt as free as feel right now, and you can’t take it away from me. So, yeah thanks for the vacations but for me they are more than that.”

“Do you think you can get rid of me just like that? That’s not how things work in this line of business!” Bambam’s voice isn’t happy like before, he sounds mad now. Youngjae doesn’t care. His life is shitty, he still in the streets, it will be New Year soon, he has no job, he has nothing, but he has one friend now, and he is really free of Bambam now. It’s like a weight has been lifted from his back. 

“I just don’t care anymore, and in one week? Don’t come looking for me.” Youngjae says hanging up on him. 

The next days are even colder, Joy does more than text she calls him as well, and she is funny Youngjae laughs a lot even if he feels like shit. He still can’t eat much, and he’s been throwing up sometimes, and one night he thinks really what if he dies. It’s some scary shit.

Joy keeps on bothering him about Jaebeom as if he’s not the only thing in his mind already. So the next day Youngjae does something he never thought he would have the balls to do, he saves Jaebeom’s number and calls him, he doesn’t pick up what a surprise. It doesn’t stop him from trying another three times. In the fifth try, he promises himself it’ll be the last one, but then just then Jaebeom picks up. 

He doesn’t sound thrilled at all, “why are you calling me?”

Youngjae gulps, wow, okay he didn’t plan on what to say, fuck Joy. “Hum--”

“Will you say something? If not I’m hanging up,” it probably would be worse if Youngjae said he called by mistake.

“Yeah, yeah, I will calm down. Gimme a minute.” And then they were both in silence for more than one minute, Youngjae could hear Jaebeom’s breathing though, it was comforting at least he was still there. “I’m sorry?”

“Are you asking me if you are sorry, well I don’t know, are you?” He huffs. It doesn’t matter if he deserved this it still was hard for him. He didn’t blame Jaebeom though. 

“I am sorry. I am sorry, I was going through… it doesn’t matter I don’t want to give you excuses. But can I see you? Can I see you tonight?” He almost begs bitting at his fingertips.

Jaebeom was quiet again, then he took a long breath “no, sorry I have to work at a fancy party. Maybe we can work something out another time if you actually pick up your phone. Bye, Youngjae.” 

Youngjae was left open-mouthed, he understood that he must have hurt Jaebeom somehow but Jaebeom wasn’t even going to give him the choice to explain himself was he? He felt like trash. Youngjae had the whole day to think about how Jaebeom was right and how about at this point he probably didn’t even think about Youngjae anymore. The ‘whatever’ ringing in his ears. But more than the ‘whatever’ he also couldn’t stop thinking about him and Jaebeom being by each other’s side taking care of each other, he doesn’t know why he was being obsessed with it now, but he couldn’t help it. And he just fucked up. 

He felt an urge to cry which was the dumbest shit ever, he and Jaebeom weren’t even friends, but the night he took care of him was literally the best memory Youngjae had. He just wanted to go back in time and be in there forever even if it was in one of the worst nights of his life, that part was perfect. He just can see it now. 

Joy invites him over for dinner, it’s the first time he will go to her apartment, he refused at first but she was really annoying so he had no other option plus he was too sad being by himself. They watched a movie first, it was weird being in her cheap but comfy couch, he didn’t say anything though. 

When dinner time came they ate together and Joy had a bottle of wine, she couldn’t stop smiling, “how did you get this?”

“One friend of mine got me this, come one just one glass since I have class tomorrow.” She said smiling. 

Youngjae isn’t used to wine or to anything not really he is a good drinker but he doesn't like drinking, not really, so he barely drinks, Joy, on the other hand, drinks more than one glass like she said she would. She doesn’t mind that he isn’t a drinker but narrows her eyes at him when shes sees him playing around with the food on his plate. 

“What’s wrong? The food isn’t that bad!” She protests, trying to feed him. 

“No! It’s not, it’s good but I already ate too much and--” he can’t even finish his sentence before he has to run to her bathroom she runs after him. He throws up until he feels like he will pass out from it, he washes his mouth with Listerine when he is done and he and Joy both look pale as shit when they look at themselves in the mirror. 

“What the hell was that?” she asks walking him back to the couch, “are you alright? should we go to a hospital?”

“A hospital because of that?” Youngjae looks at her incredulous, “I’m fine, it’s just my stomach being a bitch you know how it is.”

“But still? I thought it was because of the fried shit, you need to take care of this.” 

Joy gets him water and asks him to spend the night, she doesn’t know about his homelessness, Youngjae thinks it would be too much and she would cry for two weeks straight. “Actually, remember that friend I was ghosting?”

“Yeah?” She says already excited. Youngjae feels warm looking at her. 

“I wanted to see him tonight and he told me no,” her face falls, “but I’m going to his building anyways, what about that?” Joy gives her best laugh, so natural and loud, Youngjae laughs too it’s being so long since he being care-free with someone like that. 

“You fucking with me,” she says slapping his arm laughing harder.

“‘am not,” it was not in his plans. So okay, maybe Jaebeom doesn’t want to see him ever again, and Youngjae isn’t respecting his space, he’s being selfish a fucking piece of shit. But he’s used to being like that. He just wants to see Jaebeom one last time, if he wants to tell him to go away so be it, but at least it will be face to face and Youngjae will be able to cry it out. He just really wants to see Jaebeom. 

He takes the subway and it doesn’t take long to get there, apartment 902, he remembers, Youngjae doesn’t press the bell. Doesn’t do anything. All he does is sit next to the door and wait, he hugs his knees close to his chest and waits. Falling asleep from time to time, until someone wakes him up, it scares the hell out of him. 

“Who the fuck are you?” It’s a girl maybe a little older than him, looking at him suspiciously, she has every right to do so. 

“I’m Jaebeom’s friend, I’m just waiting for him…” he says in a tiny voice, he already regrets coming here, but he would feel like a loser leaving now. 

“Are you really his friend? You can come in if you are… but I think it’ll take him some time to come home tonight. You don’t have to wait here,” She says a little warmer this time. 

“No, it’s fine, he said he wouldn’t be home tonight I decided to come anyways. So I’ll wait here.” 

She looks at him as if he’s the dumbest person alive, “suit yourself.”

The same thing happens another two times, it’s weird that everyone invites him inside shouldn’t they be more careful? Either way, Youngjae doesn’t want Jaebeom to get home to find him already inside, he should respect at least that. 

The last person to appear is a tall woman, she seems to be in her 40s and she is just so pretty, Youngjae looks up at her and he feels scared somehow. “What are you doing in front of my apartment?”

“I’m waiting for--” 

“Do you need a place to live, a job? This is not how people approach me, actually, I approach them but you are handsome, a little too skinny, but we can fix it,” she’s saying looking at him with disdain even if she said he’s handsome.

“I’m just waiting for Jaebeom, ma’am, thanks,” Youngjae says hoping he didn’t offend her. 

She just rolls her eyes at him, “right, he is on his way from that stupid party, it seemed like would last forever at least he made some good cash.” She, Elektra, he supposes, didn’t even say another word just closed the door after herself which Youngjae thought was a way more normal way of reacting to someone in your door than inviting them over. 

The thing is she said Jaebeom was on his way to the apartment so it gave Youngjae the hope that he would be there soon, but 40 minutes later and he was still there waiting by himself. His whole body aching because of the position he was on for hours, he was about to get on his feet when someones’ feet appeared in front of him. 

Youngjae was speechless when he saw it was Jaebeom in front of him, he looked nothing like the other times he saw him. He was in a black suit, it was expensive you could see it just by looking at it, and his hair was full of gel, it probably was fixed early in the night but now not so much. He looked even more surprised seeing Youngjae sitting there. 

So Youngjae got up, his back aching, “I know what you said about not tonight, and you’re probably tired--”

“What the hell are you doing here?” Jaebeom fires, Youngjae steps back feeling the words hurt him more than anything. Jaebeom’s face that is hard as stones softness, “sorry, this is not how I meant it. It’s just, it’s almost five in the morning Youngjae why are you here? All I ever ask from you is to tell me what do you really want. How long have you been waiting for me?” 

Youngjae looks at the floor, he has been here for hours, he slept, he played on his phone, he was scared someone would call the police on him, all because he was waiting for Jaebeom and now he just feels shame. “A few hours,” he says in a low voice. 

Jaebeom sighs exasperated, Youngjae can’t even look at him, “y’know I don’t need much when it comes to you. Just tell me why you came, tell me why called me earlier, why you felt the need to wait for me till this hour. I need to hear it, as long as it is not some bullshit like ‘I don’t know just wanted to see you’, Youngjae I’ll take anything.”

Youngjae looks at him and Jaebeom is like an open book, his eyes are clear even if clearly tired. Youngjae comes closer and he lets him, he wants to touch but he doesn’t know how comfortable Jaebeom would be with it. 

“The last time I was here something really bad had happened, it doesn’t matter now. But the way you made me feel… I felt safe and I don’t think I have ever felt like that. Whatever, I don’t think as I deserve it, someone to keep me safe, I didn’t think it back then and I still don’t but I missed the feeling.” 

“The feeling of being cared for?” Jaebeom asks taking a step closer, and now they are maybe too close. 

“I have a friend, she cares for me. That’s not it.” They have their eyes locked and it’s overwhelming, Youngjae is taking long deep breaths “I miss the feeling of you.”

“Fuck,” Jaebeom says lowly his voice too close to Youngjae’s ear, he lets his lips touch the younger boy’s neck only for a second whispering over it, “let’s get in,”

Youngjae’s head is spinning after the small contact, so he just nods and lets himself be guided. It’s pretty late so there’s no one in sight, “wait what about your roommate, he saw us last time,”

“He really ain’t home this time, he is with his boyfriend,” Jaebum tells him, they get in the room, and even it’s been four weeks and Youngjae has been here just once it already seems like a place he knows well, familiar. “I need to take a shower, I’m so disgusting, fuck that place. Wear this, you’re not sleeping on your jeans again.” Jaebeom hands him pajamas, Youngjae can’t help but laugh because they are just so cute with strawberry print. 

Jaebeom takes his sweet time, Youngjae almost falls asleep while he waits, when the other comes back he has the biggest smile on his face when he sees Youngjae with the pajamas. “Hey don’t laugh!”

“I’m not laughing, I’m smiling, it’s different. I’m just happy you took this backpack off you back and your sneakers, and with this pajamas, you just look so cute sitting on my bed. Wanna keep you there forever.” 

Youngjae throws a pillow at his face, “shut up, why do I wear pajamas while you wear only shorts? Show off,”

“And what if I am?” Jaebeom still smiling not bothered by the pillow the other threw, he sits with Youngjae, the sun is almost rising outside, “I’m just taking care of you, come on lay down so I can cover us up.” He was still smiling so Youngjae slapped his arm telling him to stop. 

“Why do you always say you’re disgusting before you take a shower?” Youngjae says out of nowhere. It just keeps bothering him. He doesn’t like how Jaebeom seems to change personality after he takes a shower. “To me, you look just as pretty as you were before the shower, you know that, right?”

Youngjae plays with his long hair that his beeing covering the moles he has just above one of his eyes, Jaebeom sighs heavily, “I don’t want to touch you, in anyway way, when other men have already touched me. I got here pretty late, right? Can you imagine just how many-- I’m disgusted by even discussing it with you.”

“Oh, the problem is me? You can talk about it with other people, but what you think I’m gonna judge you?” He questions. 

“It’s not that… not judge me, but come on, me talking about how fucking sore my jaw is can’t be in my favor while I try to woo you.” Jaebeom says blushing staring at the ceiling. 

Youngjae is silent for a long time, then he moves Jaebeom face so he can look at him, he starts to rub at his jaw. “You telling me about your pain is nothing to be ashamed about. I know how hard it is though, so I won’t pressure you. But you don’t have to be scared to tell such things. Me wanting you to be there for me equals me being here for you,”

Youngjae just says how he feels but for some reason, it seems like the best thing Jaebeom has ever heard, he interlaces his fingers with Youngjae’s while they rub at his jaw. Youngjae then starts to drop small kisses at the said jaw, he doesn’t know why but it feels right. 

“How does it feel?” Youngjae asks letting their foreheads touches, this amount of human contact is so new to him. It almost feels like he’s just watching himself do all of this but at the same time it all feels so good, his entire body is burning in electricity.

“Like I’ve never felt something remotely as good before,” Jaebeom tells him with eyes full of something Youngjae can’t name, he has never had it directed at him. So he just keeps on rubbing at his jaw, giving some kisses on it from time to time, he braids some strands of Jaebeom’s hair before they fall asleep.

They are so interlocked no one would be able to tell who’s hugging who, Youngjae can feel the quick speed of Jaebeom’s heart against his not as quick own. He feels so at ease. He too would like to be kept here for as long as possible, in these arms, with this man, with his warmth. With this feeling. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- happy new year everyone !!! i have a good feeling about 2020 so everyone just be happy and healthy !  
> \- im sorry i wanted to update before, but first the thing with wendy i really love her and it made me so sad i can't even tell u and then i'm having skin problems it hurts like a bitch but now is getting better so i was able to write !  
> \- i know what i said about bringing 2jae background in this chapter but :)) well lets wait a little more gvnfkds


	5. a little company

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- i changed the tag it's a warning for e.d. now, it isn't just a food problem like i said before and i feel like i should be more responsible on my warnings. so pls if it triggers you do not read this.  
> \- idk if anyone's waiting for this tbh but here it is...

Being able to sleep on a warm and comfortable bed was a little surprising to Youngjae, he didn’t wake up at night not even once, which was also new to him. He felt protected on Jaebeom’s arms as if nothing could hurt him, which wasn’t too smart or too alike Youngjae, the boy isn’t that trusting of people but with the other that was different. That’s why he woke up knowing that Jaebeom wasn’t on the bed with him even before he opened his eyes when he did open his eyes Youngjae looked around not finding any trace of another human being. He told himself to not panic, Jaebeom wouldn’t leave him alone he was probably at the bathroom or something. 

Youngjae took advantage of the situation to get his clothes and dress on them again, folding Jaebeom’s cute pajamas and putting them on the bed. He was starting to grow nervous by the older’s absence and just like he could sense it Jaebeom walked inside the room holding a tray of food that he put on the bed. He was still only on his pair of shorts, nothing more, Youngjae did his best to not stare at his body. 

They didn’t say anything, Youngjae because he didn’t know what to say not really while Jaebeom seemed more at ease but all he could do was look at the other boy as if he couldn’t believe he was really there. Where else was Youngjae supposed to be? 

“You know I was really happy when I woke up and you were still with me this time around,” Jaebeom smiles sitting on the bed. “Come on,” 

Youngjae who was standing by the window walks slowly sitting at the other side of the tray, “I was the one who was left alone this time, was it revenge?” He pouts unintentionally.

“I brought you breakfast, I don’t think that’s how revenge works, do you?” He’s in a good mood, Youngjae can tell as much, he doesn’t want to ruin it. 

Youngjae rolls his eyes, he didn’t really think Jaebeom was being petty he just wanted to complain. Joking it off trying to convince the other and maybe himself as well that he didn’t hate the feeling of waking up by himself. As if he isn’t used to it he thinks bitterly. “I’m not really hungry, should I go?” 

“Eat something,” it’s all Jaebeom says back, it sounds final as if Youngjae has no way out of this, he supposes he doesn’t. Looking down at the tray Youngjae feels something rise from his stomach to his throat, he plays it off taking a strawberry and giving it tiny bites, savoring it but also trying to make his body accept the food. Jaebeom is staring at him, he’s eating too with way more favor but his eyes never leaving Youngjae. 

“Stop staring, it’s troublesome to eat with someone looking at you like this,”

“Sorry. I was just looking at you and thinking… it was surprising to see you here last night don’t get me wrong I was happy but confused as well, I thought I wasn’t going to see you again.” Jaebeom's words are soft but Youngjae can still sense some sadness on them.

Youngjae thinks he didn’t seem happy at first last night but he sounds sincere enough so he doesn’t call him out on that. “Hum, sorry for ghosting you like that, I know it was a long time and I had no right to show up after you told me not to… that was too much I guess, but I really, really wanted to see you.”

Jaebeom is smiling when Youngjae looks at him, he quite likes seeing this not that he can say it out loud. “It’s okay that you showed up, I already told you I was happy seeing you. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to see you anyways but I really needed to go to that party.” Jaebeom’s face closes off a little when he talks about the party, Youngjae wants to dissolve his frown with his fingers. “I just-- can you not do that again?”

“Showing up?” Youngjae asks confused. 

“Disappearing, it’s scary. Calling you and not knowing if you’re even alright, I know I was a bit rude on my last texts but it was out of fear.” 

Youngjae is done with his strawberry, he doesn’t feel as if he can eat anything more he couldn’t before and he definitely can’t now that he heard how Jaebeom felt when he was being ignored. It wasn’t Youngjae’s intention he just didn’t want to face his feelings and thoughts, but now he knows how it feels to worry over someone and not being able to talk to them. It’s scary indeed, so he tells himself that he’ll talk to Jaebeom even if it is to tell him to go away, he won’t just shut him off. 

“I’m sorry, it won’t happen again,” Youngjae assures him and Jaebeom seems satisfied enough with just those few words. He gets closer to Youngjae, his hand almost reaching his face, Youngjae stops breathing altogether just looking at said hand but then Jaebeom drops it to the food tray getting a cookie between his fingers. 

Jaebeom tries to put it in Youngjae’s mouth as if he’s a baby who needs help eating, Youngjae deflects from it as fast as he can. “You need to eat, don’t think I’m not seeing what you’re doing.”

“I ate, I’m good now.” 

“You call that eating?” Jaebeom sounds a bit more serious now that it’s obvious that Youngjae won’t listen to him, and he really doesn’t. He doesn’t reply anymore, instead, he lies awkwardly on the bed trying not to push the tray and make a mess of it. Jaebeom eats in silence putting the tray on the floor when he’s done. 

He lies beside Youngjae gracefully looking right at his eyes, they stay silent for a while the younger boy thinks he could fall asleep at any moment ‘till Jaebeom’s hand comes to his face like he thought it would happen before. His touch is delicate as if he’s scared he will hurt him, Youngjae can barely breathe though, his skin is on fire wherever Jaebeom’s fingers touch him.

“I want you to stay here,” Jaebeom says his face getting closer to Youngjae’s, there’s no place to run, he can’t really back off with the small space left for him on the bed. 

He doesn’t push Jaebeom not wanting to hurt the boy in any way, “don’t do that.” It's all Youngjae can say but it seems enough to make Jaebeom stop, he turns on the bed so he can stare at the ceiling. Youngjae misses his touch as soon as it leaves him, that wasn’t what he wanted to stop, he also feels bad seeing Jaebeom’s weird expression he can’t tell what it means but he didn’t mean to put it there. “‘m sorry.”

“It’s not like you did something wrong. It’s just weird for me,” Youngjae wants to know what it’s weird, he wants to get closer to Jaebeom again, maybe lay his head on his chest but he doesn’t do anything just waits for Jaebeom to continue which he does after a few minutes. “Everyone wants to jump right in sex with me, I don’t get you but worse than that I don’t know what else to give you to make you stay.” 

“It’s not that I don’t want it-- I mean not that I do want it either, I just think that there’s nothing wrong with what we are doing right now. It’s good, we can take it slow. And also... you don't need to do anything to make me stay, definitely not give me sex,” 

Not as if they’re really taking anything slow if they were Youngjae wouldn’t be sleeping at his place for the second time like he is and they wouldn’t feel so connected in so fast. But he does think that having sex would just mess things up right now, Jaebeom thinks sex is all he knows what to do but it’s not true he obviously uses it in a way to keep people but to push them away at the same time. This is not what Youngjae wants as attracted as he feels for Jaebeom he doesn’t want to risk things just to have sex with him. 

“Maybe I don’t know how to do that. I tried taking things slow with a guy I dated once but it was obviously not why he was dating me. I was in high school, he is the only person I’ve ever dated... so I really don’t think I can keep it interesting for you.” Jaebeom’s voice is too small, Youngjae never heard it like that. So he pulls Jaebeom back to his body, hugging him he doesn’t know what this boyfriend did to Jaebeom but it fucked him over, this much he can tell. 

Hugging seems to be good for Jaebeom, he's nosing at Youngjae’s neck as if there’s the best place he could be at, it tickles a little but he doesn’t complain. “You’re good to me, you _are_ interesting, you’re kind and smart, and also really beautiful, you don’t need to worry I'm not going anywhere.”

Jaebeom lets escape a noise from his throat, it sounds almost painful, “I can’t even kiss you? You can’t say these things and not expect me to not even kiss you,” he drops a kiss to the corner of Youngjae’s mouth, proceeding to kiss his nose and all the area of his cheeks. 

Youngjae thinks no one has ever kissed him like that, no one has shown him so much care with just the touch of their lips. The boy ponders that there’s no reason for Jaebeom to treat him like that, that he doesn’t have enough for Jaebeom to just genuinely like him, he wants to ask what the other really wants from him. He needs to know it but he doesn’t ask anything. He wants to trust someone, just this once, “yes, you can.”

Jaebeom doesn’t have to be told twice, he lays in kissing Youngjae softly, their lips just brushing against each other and it’s one of the craziest things to ever happen to the younger boy. He feels like his insides are going crazy as if there were fireworks going off inside him, Youngjae has a second to feel pathetic, is just a kiss. But he doesn’t really care, he can be pathetic over a kiss if it’s the best kiss he has ever gotten. 

Youngjae kisses him back, they keep things chaste and slow for a long time, but it’s too good to be with Jaebeom like that so Youngjae is the one deepening the kiss, biting at his lower lip, letting their tongues find each other. Youngjae has kissed before but he thinks nothing will ever compare to the feeling of being kissed by someone you like. That’s when he realizes that he does like Jaebeom, it should be scary and it is but he puts the thought at the back of his mind trying not to overthink it right now. His heart won’t stop racing at every little touch Jaebeom gives him. 

He doesn’t know for how long they kiss, it starts to become painful at some moment but Jaebeom doesn’t get tired of kissing his entire face. Youngjae thinks he passes out on Jaebeom kissing him, falling asleep just to wake up again this time startled. He ends up startling Jaebeom as well, the other boy sleep close to him, his eyes almost jumping out of his face. “Hey, you’re okay?”

“I had a bad dream, I guess… can’t remember it though.” Youngjae’s heart is beating like crazy in his chest, he really can’t remember what was the dream about but there’s a bitter taste on his mouth. 

Jaebeom hugs him close to his body, “it’s fine, it was just a dream, yeah? You’re okay,”

Youngjae nods not being so sure himself, everything still feels like a dream he also feels drunk, his body feeling weird, even the warmth coming from Jaebeom that felt so good before now was suffocating him. He asks to use the bathroom, not telling the long-haired man beside him about his discomfort. Youngjae rinses his face, he seems a little pale, even with his lips being red and sore, he also feels too hot even though his hands are cold like ice. 

Jaebeom is waiting for him outside the door a worried look on his face, Youngjae wants to assure him everything is okay but he doesn’t know how. Hell, he doesn’t even know why things aren’t okay, it might be everything coming at him at once. “Will you let me leave if I say that I should do so?”

“Not even in your best dreams,” Jaebeom walks to him putting his warm hand at the back of Youngjae’s small back. And it’s not like Youngjae didn’t expect that, so he doesn’t even bother rolling his eyes. 

“Alright, but can we go to the bridge, I kinda need some air,” Jaebeom doesn’t look so sure, Youngjae doesn’t have to ask him not really, if he wants he can just go by himself but he would like to Jaebeom to go with him. “Please,”

“Ok, let me put on some clothes and you can wear something warmer as well, come on.” Jaebeom guides him back to his room, “we gonna eat after it though.”

At that Youngjae does roll his eyes, he doesn’t know until when Jaebeom will keep track of everything he eats, but it isn’t so annoying at least not for now. When they are leaving Youngjae meets some of the people who live with Jaebeom, he introduces Youngjae to them and it’s a bit uncomfortable but he manages well, at least he thinks he does. 

Jaebeom holds his hands all the way to the bridge at the back of the Uber, Youngjae doesn’t mind it, it’s true that he would rather walk and feel a little bit freer but this isn’t so bad. When they get to the bridge Youngjae sits on it for Jaebeom’s distress, he thinks it’s dangerous but sits beside Youngjae. The sun is setting, everything is orange Jaebeom’s skin is glowing under the light, Youngjae wants to kiss him again but he doesn’t. He just feels the winds against his skin, making a mess of their hair, the cold familiar to him. 

Taking the watch from his backpack Youngjae looks at it for a long time, Jaebeom doesn’t say anything but he looks down at it intrigued. Youngjae wishes he could go back in time, not steal this damn watch, know for sure that no one would die because of him. Maybe not even meet Bambam, never sell drugs. Never let his mom find out about him. 

“I hurt people every day,” Youngjae breathes in and out trying to steady himself, he will never be able to forgive himself for what happened to Bernie, not like he even deserves to be forgiven. “I might hurt you as well, aren’t you scared?”

“A bit, yeah, but not of you.” They are sitting close enough for Jaebeom to put his hand on Youngjae’s back, it’s always so caring not demanding anything. 

The words confuse Youngjae, he looks right at Jaebeom's eyes for the first time since they got here. “What does it mean? What are you scared of then?”

“It doesn’t matter don’t worry, what really matters now it’s us, I’ll take care of you that’s enough for me.”

“This is too reckless,” Youngjae protests but doesn’t ask any further Jaebeom can keep it for himself if that’s what he wants. Still, he’s scared, not of out Jaebeom can do to him, but of what he can do to Jaebeom, he really, really, doesn’t want to hurt the other. 

They stay there 'till the night comes, the ocean and the dark sky becoming just one, the loud sound of the waves being the only thing they can hear properly. Jaebeom suggests they should get going, but Youngjae isn’t done just yet. The watch burns in his hand. 

“I stole this,” Jaebeom doesn’t say anything, he probably knew as much, how else could Youngjae get something expensive like this? Youngjae laughs humorlessly, “I can’t even sell it now, it’s too dangerous. The owner… he would find out.”

Jaebeom doesn’t react at all, Youngjae wants to yell at him say this is not how a normal person would react. He guesses none of them is normal though, Jaebeom told him he used to live in the streets as well, Youngjae wants to know more about that but doesn’t know how to ask. They probably have a similar story he supposes. 

“You should get rid of it, then,” it’s all the other says. Youngjae nods, looking down at the ocean, he should. He opens his hand letting the watch drop on that black water, it’s like everything is happening in slow motion. He doesn’t feel better as he thought he would feel, safer? Maybe, but not less guilty. Kowing the watch is in deep waters now just like Bernie's body supposedly is makes him want to throw up. “Let’s go.”

They walk hand in hand, is not natural for Youngjae, he has a feeling this is ain’t natural for Jaebeom either but he seems happy enough so the younger boy just lets him have this. He forgot they were supposed to have dinner together ’till he sees himself entering a sort of expensive restaurant. It isn’t that expensive but still more than he'd willingly pay for, he says as much for Jaebeom that just laughs. 

“I made more than enough money yesterday,” Jaebeom says lowly when a waiter shows them a table. They are definitely not dressed like a place like that asks for, Youngjae tries to ignore people that look at them, Jaebeom doesn’t seem to mind or he is way better at pretending. 

“Shouldn’t you save it?” Youngjae saves most of the money he can put his hands on, the thing is that Youngjae has plans he won’t spend the rest of his life homeless. He wants to study, wants to do something with his life, wants to prove his mother wrong. 

“Yeah, yeah. It was an awful night though, I want to enjoy some of it at least.” Jaebeom sounds too embarrassed talking about the whole prostitution thing. Youngjae can understand it, it’s not like he’s proud of the things he has done either, but Jaebeom should see that at least he isn’t doing anyone no harm. He wants to say so but guesses this isn’t the best place for that. 

It’s hard picking something to eat, he needs to remind himself that he shouldn’t waste Jaebeom’s money on something he will barely eat. He decides on soup, a noodle one would do but they don’t have it, so Youngjae settles for chicken soup, Jaebeom looks at him funny as if Youngjae eating something like this is ridiculous. It probably is to him since Jaebeom gets an absurdly expensive steak and carbonara. 

The soup really was a good idea, it’s kinda comforting the feeling of something so warm on his stomach, also is liquid so it doesn’t bother him so much. Jaebeom eats as if he is tasting meat for the first time in his life, it makes Youngjae even warmer. They talk quietly under the dim light, it’s only when Youngjae already gave up on eating and Jaebeom is almost finished that he realizes that this is a date. 

They are having a date and it’s the first time Youngjae has ever had a date in his life, he’s young so it not weird that this happening just now but still going out with a man was something his 15-year-old self would only dream about. He smiles non-stop, they are walking outside the chilly air blowing at them but nothing can make Youngjae stop smiling. 

“Okay, this is getting weird, what with the creepy smile?” Jaebeom stops in front of him. Youngjae’s smile just gets wider. 

“Are we dating now?” He doesn’t even care about how excited he sounds or that it might scare Jaebeom off, he has a feeling that it won’t anyway. 

“Oh, is that it then?” Jaebeom gets closer to him, hugging his body, hands on his waist so he can drop a kiss on his temple. “Of course, I’d like that but I… you know what I do, how can you want something like that for you?” 

Maybe Youngjae has had enough, “forget about this thing for a bit, can’t you live your life because of the dicks you suck? I want to be with you, I never thought I’d say something like that to anyone but here I’m admitting to both of us that I want it, with you. I don’t care about--”

“Youngjae, you don’t seem to be thinking it through, I’m a fucking whore! Men use my body constantly, you want someone like that to _date_? It could even be dangerous to you.” 

This a bummer, Youngjae was happy just a few seconds ago, now he has to convince Jaebeom that he wants to be with him, that he's worth it. The joke that this situation is. “Can’t you just accept that I want to be with you? That I like you,” 

“And I’m the reckless one? What if it gets messy?” But his expression doesn’t look as insecure as before, he even gives Youngjae a small smile. 

Youngjae holds on his soft long locks, pulling at them just a bit. “Do I look like I care?” Any other day he would care, he would care too much, but he already obsessed over this it’s clear that he can’t stay away from Jaebeom. Youngjae kisses him then, it’s the first time he initiated a kiss between them, it’s also the first time he kisses someone in public. Jaebeom doesn’t seem to mind if the way he kisses back is any indication, Youngjae feels proud of himself. 

“Wooing you was easier than I thought,” Jaebeom says between kisses getting a pinch on his stomach for that.

It’s too cold though and no amount of kiss can distract them from this. “Will you come with me?” Seeing Youngjae’s lost look Jaebeom continues, “to the apartment, Youngjae. I can’t let you in the cold like this.”

“Listen, it’s not because you’re my boyfriend now that I’ll become something fragile and breakable. I’m used to it, I don’t need you to tell me where I should sleep or not.” The word 'boyfriend' feels too foreign in his mouth but he ignores it. 

Just that seems to be enough to stress Jaebeom out, he looks incredibly distressed by Youngjae’s words. “Don’t act like that, God, how do you think I’ll be able to sleep knowing you will be out here in the cold by yourself.”

“Jaebeom, that’s something you should deal with, not me. That is not my home, people pay to live there, you pay to live there. I have no right to spending so much time there. So just let me be.”

He thinks it was final, that Jaebeom would stop and not insist anymore, he was wrong. “I can ask Elektra to charge me double… I don’t think she will mind, actually I think she will be happy about it.”

Youngjae can’t believe his ears that’s the dumbest thing Jaebeom has ever said to him. “As if. Really, as if I could do something like that, pay for me to live with you. Stop saying stupid things like that.”

“Youngjae--” the younger boy kisses him quickly, what Jaebeom said was dumb but it was cute either way. He only hoped no one would abuse Jaebeom’s pure heart in the future. 

“Enough of that. You’re too whipped it’s disgusting.” It’s not really the end of the discussion, Jaebeom talks non-stop about how he won’t be at peace with Youngjae on the streets but it doesn’t work. 

Youngjae says he will sleep at a shelter and that’s all he can do for the other. It’s really tiring to get Jaebeom to just leave him there but after some threats, he leaves. He texts Youngjae every other hour, it would be annoying if Youngjae weren’t so into the boy. It’s alright to have someone who cares about you, he thinks.

  
  


It wasn’t so easy to see Jaebeom as Youngjae thought it would be, not that he wanted to spend every second of the day with the older boy, that was not it. But Jaebeom was working a lot, really a lot, Youngjae was worried he would end up sick but couldn’t do much since Jaebeom didn’t listen to him. It didn’t bother him, he knew they weren’t like normal people to have a normal relationship but he still missed Jaebeom and worried about him. His boyfriend, which is still a weird term to call him, also worried a lot about Youngjae that’s why the younger boy never talked to him about the pains he felt or how he wasn’t even working for Bambam anymore. 

Not working for Bambam wasn’t the same thing as never meeting the drug dealer boss, he knew it, knew he couldn’t undo things he already did. But being free from him was something that brought Youngjae peace like nothing else, it also made him spend more money from his savings, that was the worse part. He didn’t know what to do to get a job. Now he had a little experience but less than a month at a place was worse than no experience at all, people would always think he did something really bad at his last job. 

Still, Youngjae could be at peace even if his stomach ached 24/7, even if he felt lonely when he was not supposed to feel anymore, he still could be at ease. Of course, there was a voice at the back of his mind telling him that Bambam wouldn’t just let him go like that, Youngjae decided to ignore the voice. It was just his paranoia, or maybe it was because he was used to Bambam’s presence in his life since he was kicked out and not being around him was weird. Maybe it was both, he wouldn’t think too much about this. 

Youngjae haven't see Jaebeom in one whole week, that was kinda annoying, they didn’t talk a lot either but Youngjae would just deal with it. “What's so urgent?” He asks as soon as he enters Joy’s apartment, she called him begging him to just come over as quickly as he could and it’s not like Youngjae was busy. Plus he wanted some distraction from his thoughts. 

Looking at Joy it really looked like an urgency, she wore a dress that was half inside her black jeans and heels only on one foot, her hair was a mess she also had new bangs which Youngjae could bet she cut it herself. He can’t help laughing out loud, just the sight of Joy was enough to lift his mood up. “Don’t laugh, asshole,”

“What happened here? Really--”

She doesn’t let him speak though, “I need your help, I can’t find anything to wear to this party. Oh, by the way, we’re going to a party!” She claps excitedly.

“We are what? No, I’m not going to no party, I can help you I guess, but I’m not going out,” Youngjae is unsure about the helping part since he has no fashion sense plus he doesn’t understand Joy’s clothes. His friend just rolls her eyes as if he has no saying on this. 

“It’s a party on a sushi bar, Youngjae who gives a party at a sushi bar? Sushi for free for everyone, it’s crazy, plus alcohol that I love just as much but just the thought of sushi… You’re going with me!”

Youngjae sits on the couch while Joy goes to her room coming back with even more clothes, “yeah, who gives a party at a sushi bar indeed?” He doesn’t really care about who is doing what, he just wants to gain time.

“It’s a rich guy from college, he invited my friends who invited me, I don’t know him but he's some rich dumbie, why wouldn’t I go eat and drink for free?” Joy undresses in front of him, and it’s not like Youngjae cares about women’s body but it’s awkward, at least for him it is she doesn’t seem to care. “What do you think?”

“Maybe a white t-shirt under it?” She’s in a short black dress and it’s beautiful, she tries the t-shirt and it does look better this way. She complains about it being too hot but looking better indeed. “It’s not like we are in Summer, it’s Winter y’know.”

“Whatever, I’ll do my makeup if you want to change you can do that. I’ll do your makeup when I’m done with my own.”

“You will do what? Joy, I already said I’m not going.” Youngjae really doesn’t want to go but saying 'no' to Joy’s cute puppy eyes is harder than he thought. So he does dress in something else, all his clothes are baggy now, nothing seems to fit him properly, Joy jokes that he could dress on her clothes it would fit just fine not that it really sounds like a joke. 

Youngjae goes back to the living room to text Jaebeom, he doubts he his free at a Saturday night but he thinks texting him ‘good night’ can’t be that bad. As soon as he does Jaebeom calls him. “Hey, what you’re up to?”

As if he’s ever up to something, weirdly he is up to something tonight, Youngjae hesitates before telling Jaebeom what he will do. Is it weird that he’s going to a party while the older boy is working his ass off? “I’m kinda going to a party with my friend-- not that I wanted to go but she insisted and--”

“Yeah? I’m glad you won’t be alone, you don’t need to explain yourself. Actually, I called because I couldn’t stand not hearing your voice anymore… I know I’m being distant lately but it’s all so we can spend more time together.” Not that it made any sense, they were apart so they could be together? Youngjae didn’t say anything like that, he just said he understood and that it was fine, and it was, he couldn’t demand anything from Jaebeom. 

Soon, Jaebeom had to hang up he didn’t have to explain anything but Youngjae could hear a voice in the background, he tried not to think much about it. Suddenly he felt terribly powerless, he knew Jaebeom hated the life he was living yet he couldn’t do anything about it. Youngjae didn’t even notice Joy sitting by his side so he jumped when she put something cold on his face. 

“Calm down, it’s just some concealer for your dark circles.” She starts applying it, Youngjae looks at her she’s extremely pretty, the bangs suit her well he thinks he tells her so. They are in silence for a long time, at least it feels like a long time. “Did something happen?” 

“Huh-- no. It’s just… do you remember that guy I was ghosting and I went to his house that night you were drunk?” His voice is small, Joy just nods while she keeps on putting things on his face. “We are dating now.”

She doesn’t seem surprised, yeah he was never good at hiding his sexuality he thinks, she just smiles big at him. “And what’s the problem? It should be good, right?”

“Sure, it’s good, it's just that I feel guilty I can’t help him out… with stuff, he isn’t happy and I can’t do anything.” 

“I see, it also bothers me when someone I care about is going through something and I can do nothing about it so I understand. But doesn’t he like you? You’re probably being a big help by being with him. I mean, that’s what I think, when you can’t do much you at least can be by their side.” 

Youngjae is thoughtful, he doesn’t think he’s doing anything at all, he isn’t by Jaebeom’s side like he should and it sucks. He thinks about giving up on the party but it’s not like he knows where to find Jaebeom right now. 

Joy shows him a mirror where he can stare at his face, and there’s pink and gold glitter all over his eyes, she’s smiling brightly at her work. “Is it because I said I’m gay?”

She laughs out loud, “you don’t need to be gay to put glitter on your face, but it yeah looks better when you are!” Youngjae laughs too, maybe it’s not as sincere as hers but he feels a little bit better just from being with her. 

The sushi bar is packed with people, too many people for Youngjae’s liking. He only went to parties a few times when he started selling drugs and had to sell it for people, still after he had a list of clients he never went to parties again. Seeing this bunch of drunks dancing with each other like crazy teenagers reminded him exactly why he didn’t like things like this. Joy was stuffing her face with sushi and vodka, she wasn’t lying when she said that was the reason why she wanted to come. 

Youngjae wasn’t that hungry but he really liked Japanese food, he started with small bites but soon he was eating as much as Joy was. Drinking too, he was a good drinker not getting drunk easily, but his stomach was hurting more than Youngjae could stand, he didn’t stop drinking or eating though, he was just going to ignore the ache. 

He could see Joy dancing with a group of girls, they were her friends she had introduced them earlier, still, he didn’t take his eyes off of her afraid she would disappear with someone evil-minded person that would take advantage of her drunk self. A woman sat on the stool next to him, she is probably on her 30’s, Youngjae doesn’t think much of it ‘till she starts talking to him. “Are you a model?” 

“No?” Of course, he isn’t, it just comes off as a question ‘cause Youngjae wasn’t expecting to hear something like that from her or from anyone really. 

“How old are you?” Seeing he’s isn’t going to reply to it she sighs, “I usually approach people when they are sixteen or younger, but you’re really beautiful and delicate, I’d like to work with you.”

“Who are you?” It’s all Youngjae can say and the woman almost looks taken aback by it, as if Youngjae should just know her. 

“You really don’t work in this area, huh, you have a model look but at the same time, it’s like you’re completely innocent. Here, have my card,” she hands Youngjae a card and then shakes his hand, “I’m Allison Scott, I recruit models I have an agency, you can see my contact there at the bottom.”

This all feels like a prank, people don’t go to parties giving off their business cards and telling others they look like models. Youngjae isn’t that dumb, “I'm Youngjae… listen huh Allison that’s nice of you but I don’t think I fit this model thing.”

She laughs at his poor skills of conversation, “we should find out about it shouldn’t we, Youngjae? You also should now you can make good money from this, not at first sure but later on and you can also put your face out there, I do think you have something like a ‘plus’, you can hit it big.”

Of course, Youngjae doesn’t care about putting his face out there, becoming famous or anything like that. The money though, that makes something ring inside him, but it isn't like he believes he can really do that. Youngjae has always been stiff, his pics when he was younger all looked like he was uncomfortable also he could be really shy, it wouldn’t work. 

Seeing his thoughtful face the woman, Allison, whos is dresses really well on expensive clothes, speaks again. “I’ll tell my secretary to wait for your call. I can help you Youngjae, not because I’m a good person but because I need a new face. I’ve been looking for it and you’re the best one I’ve seen so far. Think about it.”

She leaves after that, Youngjae pockets the business card he won’t really think about that, there’s nothing to think about he would just embarrass himself. Still, he can’t forget about the damn card in his pocket. Youngjae takes Joy home, she wanted to stay longer while she flirted with the entire party, but she could barely hold herself on her feet and Youngjae was having none of it. He slept on her couch since she almost begged him to and Youngjae never felt much like a burden to her. 

Not like he slept much though, his stomach was killing him, he regretted every sushi he put on his mouth, he had to throw up at least four times last night so he was even paler the next day. Joy tried to make him eat something but it was no use, he left her place in the afternoon. Youngjae tried calling Jaebeom twice but it didn’t go through so he just gave up, he decided on just walking to the area close to Jaebeom’s building, not as if he would go back to his stalking days.

Okay, maybe he was since he had no intention to really approach Jaebeom and disturb him when he knew the other had to work. He just wanted to see Jaebeom, even if it was from afar. His phone ringed Youngjae almost had a heart attack thinking it was Jaebeom, it wasn’t. Youngjae considered not picking up but it’s not like it would work, “what the hell are you calling me for?”

“Ouch, Jae, you hurt my feelings when you talk to me like that. Come on, don’t you miss me?” Ignoring Bambam’s words Youngjae just waits for him to say what he wants, he has an idea of what is it but he decided to hear it anyway. “Won’t you say anything? You really forgot who gives the cards here, didn’t you Youngjae? So, I’m gonna give you a little reminder, I have a surprise for you.”

Youngjae froze in place, it couldn’t be good, Bambam wouldn’t gift him anything, the boy could feel his hands shaking. “What did you do?”

“It’s a surprise, Jae! Check your Bank account and then call me back,” he hangs up not before Youngjae can hear him laughing. The boy isn’t stupid, Bambam didn’t give him any money. Youngjae checks his Bank app only to find his account zeroed, there’s nothing there, Youngjae feels tears rolling down his face. He should have seen this coming, the only thing Bambam has on him is money. 

He knows that if Youngjae has no way of surviving he will go back to him, will go back to dealing if he has no option he will need to work for Bambam again. The powerless feeling invades Youngjae once again, but it’s not only it, he feels like there’s nothing he can do anymore like he was hitting rock bottom once again. There’s no use going to the police, not when the money he made was all from drugs and obviously not when the one who took it away from you is a powerful drug dealer. 

His phone is ringing like crazy, Bambam won’t stop calling him, but Youngjae isn’t in the mood to give him what he wants, he won’t give the other the satisfaction of knowing he won. Bambam always wins. Youngjae wants to be with Jaebeom more than ever, wants to be held, to hear that’s everything is okay. Nothing is okay. 

Youngjae takes Allison’s business from his pocket, staring down at it, tears wetting the small piece of paper. It’s all done, he doesn’t have any hope anymore, he can’t count on the money he had saved to live a better life or even to eat. He has nothing anymore, all he has is this damn business card and a tiny chance that he’s sure won’t turn out to be much help. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- yeah im alive, im sorry for not updating before i was really unmotivated before im not that motivated rn but i want more 2jae fics so i should at least update the one i have  
> \- i plan on posting more regularly promise :)  
> \- anyways smth i want to say is that i had an e.d. for more than half of my life even though it wasn't like yj's i know how it feels and what it does to your body and mind im not romanticizing it in any way. it wasn't even in my plans to write it it just happened  
> \- this isn't about me, im doing way better now :)  
> \- if you're reading this go wash your hands and pls take care of yourself it all end soon <333 may got7 cb give us some happiness


	6. I would buy it twice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- this is triggering im warning again don't feel guilty about stop reading it  
> \- this is a transitional chap so might not be the best one im being honest here  
> \- one last thing the title chap is from marina's song immortal, you don't have to listen to it but i just wanted to talk about how interesting it is... how everyone just wants to chase after happiness/love and this is what this story is about  
> \- have a good reading :)  
> \- nsfr

The model agency was big and also looked like the fanciest office of the building Youngjae just entered, it occupied two floors of it. Everything was clean and high tec as if it was out of a futuristic movie, the boy could feel his legs shaking under him, this universe too different from the one he is used to, people here looked too rich wearing brand stuff and like they were just superior to everyone else. 

The girl at the reception looked at Youngjae as if he was an ant, she was younger than him and probably not even that rich to be acting that arrogant, she had a funny style maybe it was what they called fashionable and even the receptionists had to have it.

“Are you lost?” That was the perfect occasion for him to say that yes he was lost but he couldn’t forget even for a second the reason why he was here, why he had called Allison’s secretary yesterday, he was running out of options, he had almost no hope anymore. It wasn’t just about to stop the dealing anymore, it was about doing greater things. 

“I have an appointment with Susan, she’s--” but he was interrupted by the girl. 

“I know who she is.” The girl rolls her eyes, not saying anything else to him, she presses a number on the phone on her table, “the guy you were waiting for is here, yeah it’s him I suppose.” 

Youngjae doesn’t know what to do with himself since the girl doesn’t tell him anything after she ends the call and nothing else happens, it’s just him standing there while people come and go. It feels like an eternity when a tall woman with pixie hair walks in his direction, she’s intimidating, way more intimidating than Allison is and she is not even the boss. 

“Ah! You must be Youngjae, I’m pleased to meet you, I’m Susan,” she hugs and gives him two kisses, it takes the boy by surprises but he tries to not run away. They walk to her personal office that doesn’t look personal at all, it looks just like an extension of what he saw before, “so Allison was really excited for me to meet you.”

“Huh,” Youngjae doesn’t know what to say to that, he’s so nervous right now, he wishes Jaebeom was here with him but it’s so early in the morning and he knows the other needs to sleep well. 

“It happens rarely, I mean more often than not I’m the one who escorts our models but she’s been desperate about something new, refreshing and nothing seems to show up, well no one I come up with seems to be to her liking.” The woman pouts and it doesn’t suit her well. “Anyways, I see what she saw on you, you have strong features, mysterious eyes… anyone would be tempted to dive on them. You’re not ordinary, we’re needing this, pure but not really.”

“Thank you?” Youngjae has never been complimented for his looks, well just by Jaebeom but this is different, it has never been like this, ‘hey mysterious eyes.’ Is that a thing he really has?

“Yes, you should be thankful, don’t think I just compliment kids like you because I’m nice, indeed you should know right now no one here is nice.” She smiles as if what she said was good for him, maybe it was, maybe it was a piece of advice. “Before we talk to Allison, I need to make you some questions.”

Youngjae had to answer a form, there were a lot of questions, some pretty chill ones and some pretty weird and uncomfortable others like his relationship with his family, what he did for a living (which he lied to), about his sexuality (which he didn’t lie to, he was done lying about it), and stuff about what he would like to endorse, honestly Youngjae would endorse anything that would pay him well, he didn’t care if it was ugly and he had to pretend. Except if it was something that hurt animals that he wouldn’t endorse.

“Now, this is the worst part, not for me, I don’t care but for you guys... you always look at me like lost puppies,” Youngjae looks confused ‘till she pointed to a scale while she took a tape of measurement from one of her cabinets. 

“Huh, do we really have to do that?” Of course, they do, Youngjae thinks, how can they put him in clothes and shit like that if they don’t know his measurements? He is not that insecure about it, but the thought of having another person analyzing him like that disturbs the boy terribly. And maybe he is a little insecure, he doesn’t go around letting people see him naked, he doesn’t look at it himself, he doesn’t have a mirror since he doesn’t have a room either, so he doesn’t have to deal with it. It’s troublesome. 

The woman doesn’t even bother answering him, she does her job writing everything down on the papers besides Youngjae’s previous information. The worst part is when she makes him get only on his underwear he knew it was coming but it’s awful, his face is burning even though he can feel his entire body freezing, she pays him no mind. 

“Wait outside, Allison will see you in a bit,” Youngjae never dressed so fast in his life, he sits in one of the comfortable puffs at the receptions, anxiously bitting at his nails. He wants to leave so desperately, the rude girl is smirk as if she knows exactly why he is so nervous, she probably knows, he hates her already. 

Youngjae is about to call Jaebeom to ask him to and come pick him up because he is this kind of coward when the girl calls for his name, she can barely pronounce it. “Come with me,”

He follows here through the white halls, she knocks on a big door and when it opens it to the biggest office there, this one looks like an apartment it has everything and it looks so personal, the small woman sitting behind the big desk almost disappearing. Again Allison is all in white, Susan stands beside her like a tall pole, “leave us, La…”

“Yelena.” The girl says lowly before closing the door after herself. 

“It’s nice seeing you again, Youngjae.” Allison shakes hands with the boy in a more natural way than Susan. “I was surprised when Susan told me you called me, but so so so pleased, I couldn’t lose a face like yours.”

It’s weird hearing things like that from people that are supposed to work with famous models on a daily basis, Youngjae doesn’t know what to say so he just nods. 

“I told you he doesn’t say much, but it’s good, he comes off as cold and it’s trendy these days,” Susan tells Allison as if Youngjae isn’t sitting right there in front of them, Alisson agrees and they start a conversation about how it will be much better if Youngjae keeps a cold image instead of a warm one. 

“Anyways, Youngjae look at me.” So he does, she lets one of her sharp nails wander through his chin, “I can see you on the covers of the biggest magazines of this country this world even, I can see your face all around the places, I can see you making so much money you wouldn’t know how to spend it. But that’s what I can see now, I need to know if that’s what you want,”

Youngjae isn’t a dumb kid that believes in dumb dreams, of course, he wants all this money, he wants to help himself, and Jaebeom out, wants to help others but he knows things don’t come that easy. “Things never came easy to me.”

“I like you this way of thinking, ‘cause really nothing comes easy,” Allison smiles, “as pretty, as handsome as you are I don’t know how you are in front of a camera, I don’t know if you can sell yourself much less if you can sell products. I have a feeling but I don’t _know_ for sure. I have this friend, he is a photographer he owes me a favor or two, he will take photos of you just get ready and that will be your test. Susan will send you his contact.”

“I-- that’s it?”

“For you to work with us? Basically, of course, when we decided on setting a contract there will be much more to discuss but first, we need to see if there will be a contract so don’t worry now.” Youngjae is about to leave feeling as distressed as he was when he got but the tiny woman calls him back, “oh, Youngjae I was about to forget. Just call, Jullian, the photographer, when you lose five kilos. Your arms and stomach are fine but your hips and thighs are a bit too wide,”

Youngjae feels himself paling again, he knows he is already too thin, Joys bugs him about it all the time and Jaebeom is starting to worry too much as well not this woman wants him to lose all this weight, this is madness. He leaves the room with Susan feeling a bit nauseous, the secretary obviously notices it, “hey, I know you’re already underweight, but you’re not that tall to a model and even if we are going to a pictorial model we need you to look more like a model and models are less… how can I say it? They have a natural thin look to them that you don’t have.”

“It’s that supposed to be helpful?” Youngjae asks harshly for the first time that day, he is kinda done with their bullshit. There’s nothing wrong with how he looks. 

“Yes! And it is, listen, did you even hear what Allison said it’s on the table for you? Are you gonna say ‘no’ because of five kilos? You don’t have the body you have now because you eat well, come on, so lose weight call Julian take exceptional photos, and come back here to sign a millionaire contract, don’t be a stupid kid.”

Youngjae it’s not someone hypocritical, everything Susan said makes perfect sense and he knows she’s right he doesn’t pay attention to what he eats so losing weight isn’t a big question to him. Maybe it hurts his pride that they want him to lose even more weight and that he doesn’t know how he will do it, it’s not like he is eating anything at the moment. The thing that bugs him is the word ‘millionaire’, of course, it does. 

How can Youngjae believe that he, a homeless boy will be able to strike a millionaire contract just by shooting some photos? How can he even believe that people sit together on a normal day to sign millionaire contracts? Theoretically, he knows people do that, like football players, movie stars but those aren’t normal people. So ‘millionaire’ gotta be an exaggeration, but if it can make him big money he will lose as much weight as they want him to, will fix up his measurements. 

In the afternoon Youngjae finds himself in front of Jaebeom’s apartment with the boy embracing with his long warm arms, “I didn’t know if you were making it. Why didn't you answer my calls? God, I miss you so much much,”

He says everything while he kisses all of Youngjae’s face not giving him time to reply, Jaebeom’s friends are all in the living room or in the kitchen and the younger boy would be embarrassed by the display of affection if it wasn’t by the fact that he missed Jaebeom like crazy as well. So he hugs Jaebeom close to his body kissing him quickly, not so quickly that Jaebeom can’t deepen the kiss making the boy having to hold his body on him for balance. 

“Are watching The Avengers or porn?” Lucy, Youngjae met her the last time he was here yells from the couch, they all laugh except for Jaebeom that rolls his eyes bringing Youngjae completely inside closing the door behind them and Youngjae who blushes wildly at her words. 

“Hey, it’s fine they are just dumbasses,” Jaebeom assures him with one hand making small circles on the small of his back, Youngjae is terribly fond of this act. “Do you like The Avengers?”

“Where’s the damn popcorn?”

“It’s almost ready, you lazyass!” Liam yells back from the kitchen, Youngjae likes what they have going on here. He guesses he does he never had this kind of interaction himself. 

“I-- hum, never watched it,” before Jaebeom can even react Jackson is sitting on Youngjae’s other side, he has a weird kind of red glove that it’s supposed to look like it’s made of steel and he looks like a betrayed kid. 

“How have you never watched The Avengers, why are you depriving yourself of so much fun, happiness, sadness, and entertainment?” Jackson is pouting and Youngjae wants to laugh, he wants to get closer to make a joke but he notices Jaebeom’s strong grip on his waist he can’t move at all, he’s about to say something when Jackson continues not noticing anything weird. “You had to have a flaw I suppose, like how are you not in love with Tony Stark?”

“I doubt he would fall in love with a rich bastard like Tony Stark, Jackson.” Jaebeom’s voice is way raspier and lower than Youngjae has ever heard it, it was like he was ready to get in a fight over what character would be Youngjae’s favorite. Jackson didn’t dare to say anything back, “can you back off from my boyfriend now?” 

It’s just them in one of the couches, as Jackson sits on the floor with Liam, there’s a big popcorn bucket between them, another one for the girls and another one for Jaebeom and Youngjae, not that Youngjae even touches it. The boy doesn’t know if the other is hurt, he is probably used to Jaebeom acting like that since he didn’t seem surprised but being used doesn’t mean he can’t get hurt. He notices Jackson getting immersed in the movie and relaxes a bit, not a lot since as soon as he lets his body lay back on Jaebeom’s arms the older boy’s mouth attacks his neck. 

Youngjae almost moans out loud, the warm contact against his cold skin too overwhelming, he wants to kick Jaebeom for not even warning him about what was about to happen but the older boy seems well pleased with the outcoming. None of them are paying no mind to the movie in front of them, Youngjae finds it boring anyway, the TV was terribly loud but Youngjae would still feel his face burning red when small noises escaped his mouth. 

“Are-- are you leaving a mark?” It was a dumb question, Jaebeom was acting like a vampire biting and sucking at his neck, there was just no way there tomorrow that wouldn’t be a mark the size of this mouth there. He just worried because of his photos, but he wouldn’t lose five kilos before the mark faded away so it was probably fine. 

He tried staring down at his hands on his lap to distract himself from all the blood going down his body when he felt his phone buzzing, it was a text from Susan, it was specifying everything, how much weight he needed to lose, how many centimeters did he need to lose in each region and even a deadline that he didn’t know he had. He texted back a thumbs up and froze beside Jaebeom, of course, he noticed it. 

“Hey, something wrong, there?” He pointed at the phone. Youngjae thought about lying, just one week ago that’s what he would do, but he felt so much closer to Jaebeom now. Plus he wanted someone to be with him in this and if it was something stupid he wanted his boyfriend to open his eyes. 

“Can we take some air? Like outside?” 

“Sure, baby,” it’s the first time Jaebeom uses any term of endearment with him, it makes him smile so big it’s pathetic. Getting out of the couch it’s a little uncomfortable when Youngjae notices the half-erection he got all from neck kissing, he doesn’t even dare to look at Jaebeom’s crotch. 

Jackson looks at them confused while they are leaving but Jaebeom just looks like he’s about to murder him, “hey stop, that!” When they are already outside Youngjae realizes he forgot his coat, Jaebeom just uses it as an excuse to hug him. “Why are you being so mean to Jackson anyway? He’s your friend, did you two fight?”

“No, we didn’t fight. But Jackson is a flirty, and that’s his problem I really don’t care but when it comes to you I do care. He doesn’t get to be all flirty with my boyfriend.” Jaebeom’s face does a funny thing, it probably means he’s angry and serious about this so Youngjae can’t really laugh at him but his chin looks really funny right now. 

“He wouldn’t flirt with me, he’s your friend and I like _you._ So, stop treating him like an ogre, yeah? I like you better when you’re a cutie pie.” Jaebeom blushes at that hiding his face at Youngjae neck, the same side he attacked before it’s a little sore. 

“You know I’m only ‘cute’ with you, right?” He kisses Youngjae only to get pushed a second after, “hey!?”

“You taste like greasy popcorn, it’s disgusting,” they goofy around for a bit with Jaebeom trying to steal kisses, it’s not like Youngjae really minds he only wants to annoy the other and not have another situation in his pants. 

They calm down after a while sitting grass under some trees, it’s not that comfortable it feels wet even though it isn’t. “So, what did you want to talk about?”

“I said I wanted some air, not talk.” Jaebeom just looks tiredly at him. “This is not it, but first let me say one thing, I hated this past week, I don’t think I can go this long without seeing you, so if we can just… I don’t know to try and see each other more.”

“It was hard for me too, and I’m really sorry I just… there’s no excuse I’ll do better in order to keep you happy all the time,” he caresses Youngjae’s cheeks making the boy smile. He might be falling too hard. 

“So, the other things…” Youngjae doesn’t know where to start so he just takes Allison’s business card from his pocket and hands it to Jaebeom, “the ower of this agency approached me at that party I went with my friend and she wants me to shoot some photos.” He says everything real fast, Jaebeom looks at him taking a moment to understand what he’s saying.

Then he takes his phone from his own pocket and makes quick research on Allison’s agency and her personally, he looks at every info as if the most important thing in the world, as if it was life-changing. “She seems legit, she works with some pretty famous people it seems. Hell, she seems famous herself. You think that could be good for you? That’s the most important thing here,”

Youngjae wants to laugh, what’s really good to him right now? “Jaebeom, I’m not selling drugs anymore, not that this is a good option anyway, but the thing is my ex-boss stole all my savings so I have nothing. This Allison woman said I can make some dope money, that she believes me and shit,”

Jaebeom gets up kicking at the grass as if the green thing is guilty of Youngjae’s all infortunes, Youngjae stops him scared he will hurt himself, “what did this motherfuck do to you? He stole the money you would barely touch? Tell me who he is I’ll fuck crash his head--” he’s yelling and people are starting to stare.

“Hey, stop that now! Do you know what guys like him can even do to people like us? Yes, I’m angry too, but he only did it so I’d go back to him it’s some sick game I’m not willing to play anymore,” Youngjae tells him.

“Is he obsessed with you or something?” Jaebeom narrows his eyes and yeah that’s the part he catches on, why wouldn’t he. 

“I guess yeah, he is weird.” Youngjae needs to calm Jaebeom down, just today he found out that Jaebeom is the jealous type, a bit too overprotective and hot-tempered. Jackson was right on being quiet when he overreacted earlier. “Anyways, what do you think about the modeling thing, should I go for it?”

Jeabeom’s face still red but he tries to calm down, “huh, listen people will always promise you a nice outcoming when they want you to agree to something, yeah? But if you’re smart enough and think you can make it work out you should go for it, I can see it being good for you. I’ll give you all the support.”

“Yeah?” 

“Of course,” Jaebeom says kissing him slowly, with way more care than he did all afternoon as if Youngjae was something precious that just hasn’t been treated as such. “I’ll be by your side all the time. I’m worried about how you’re eating now, how are you--”

“Don’t worry about me, I know how to take care of me,”

“How can I not when I--” Youngjae is scared and excited of what might come after these words but nothing ever comes, Jaebeom only kisses his forehead promising him he will work something out for both of them and that it will be alright. 

He wants to take Youngjae out to eat but the boy refuses, he just goes back to the apartment to get his coat, the others are still watching the movie, he guesses it’s more than one. He says his goodbyes and Jaebeom kisses him at the door for thirty minutes, Youngjae really likes him. 

He thinks about what he should do, he hasn’t had anything today and he feels better than when he tries to eat something just for the sake of it, he read online about drinking lots of water so it’s what he does. Well, as much water as he can, he asks Jaebeom to go jogging with him by the bridge every morning, it’s cold as hell and Youngjae never wears a coat. Another thing he read, if it’s too cold your body will burn more calories so he faces the cold as if it’s nothing. 

It’s all fine at the beginning but soon Youngjae can’t stand it anymore, it’s like when you’re keeping track of what you eat you feel hungry all the time, and dizzy too, he never felt so much stomach ache, sometimes he just wants to punch it to make it go away. It has never been that harder. He doesn’t have money to eat, but he will skip the food they give at the shelters as well, sometimes he won’t even go there, he will sleep outside and almost freeze to death, he feels like the dumbest person alive when he does that. 

At their jogging Jaebeom hates every second of it, he complains non-stop and complains even more about Youngjae’s lack of warm clothes, “you look, blue, do you know that? What if you die on me? We should stop it now,”

“You just looking for an excuse to stop,” Youngjae says not stopping at all, still running ahead of him trying to keep himself warm it ain’t working. It’s true that he feels like he will pass out at any moment but he will never admit it. 

“Yeah, baby, any other day that would be true but you look white with lips and fingers blue it’s scary, it’s colder than any other day and I have no idea why we are doing this to ourselves.” 

Youngjae could say it was for their health but Jaebeom wouldn’t believe him plus he doesn’t care about his health, he was here just because Youngjae begged and they would always make out after they were done. It’s been almost a week since his meeting with Susan and Allison, his deadline was coming to an ending, he didn’t see much difference in his body but also he didn’t know much what else to do. 

Jaebeom hugged him all the way back to his apartment, Youngjae didn’t hate it, he made some food that Youngjae refused to eat he was too close now. “You never eat anymore, what’s wrong? God, you’re freezing, it’s scaring me for real, baby,”

“Nothing, I’m just not hungry.” He smiles ironically the way he knows his boyfriend hates. 

“Yeah, I think you’re becoming a plant.”

Youngjae shakes so hard even though they are already inside with the heat on that Jaebeom wants to take him to a hospital it takes hours to it to just go away and a lot of complaints from Youngjae for him to just stop. 

The next day he calls the photographer Julian, he isn’t sure if he hit his mark but it’s not like he has time to do so anymore. He also asks Jaebeom to go with him, which not so surprisingly the other boy agrees to. They go to the studio hand in hand, Youngjae is nervous but Jaebeom keeps telling him sweet words, the younger one is grateful for him, he wants to tell him that another time. 

Julian is a middle-aged man, with a mustache that has just a look of a photographer, Youngjae doesn’t know how he would describe a photographer but for sure it would look like the man greeting them. “Who is the one I’m shooting today?”

“The pretty one obviously,” Jaebeom says pointing at Youngjae making the boy blush and Julian laugh. 

“Ah, it’s always the pretty ones,” he says still smiling before he can say anything else Susan is entering the room she greets everyone with her wicked smile. Taking Youngjae with her before they can do anything else. 

“We have some business you and me, right?” And then she is measuring Youngjae as if it’s the most normal thing in the world, it probably is for her, and putting him on a scale. “Almost six in a week, it’s impressive. You really want it, do I have to congratulate you?” 

“I just did what I had to,” she smiles nodding her head both of them heading back to where Julian and Jaebeom stand, she tells the man what looks she wants apparently Youngjae needs to look seductive but not too masculine nor feminine. He has no idea how to do that. 

Julian has some people over, they do Youngjae’s hair and makeup, they are nice to him and it’s super weird to have people treating him like that, they are nice but it’s like he is a doll and they just have to finish painting him already. It’s not like the time Joy did that, he misses her and the care she puts into things. There’s also a bunch of clothes for him to wear, he even sees a yellow ballerina skirt, he doesn’t think he can pull that off. 

Again he needs to get only on his underwear, he has never been so self-conscious of his body but it’s starting to bug him, plus Jaebeom has never seen him like that now it’s the second time already. They put him on a weird lace blouse with small shorts and huge red sneakers, he feels pathetic and it shows, he can barely move or face the camera, Jullian starts getting impatient with him. He feels useless. 

It’s all going downhill, Jullian yells for him to pay attention, to just move and not look like a robot there, Susan stops the shooting to talk to him. “What’s wrong with you? Don’t you want it? None of us want it to be a waste of time, Allison believes in you and kind of do too so if you could think about things you will be able to get if you only--”

“Can I talk to him?” Jaebeom asks but he doesn’t wait for an answer, almost bumping on Susan who walks away saying something they can’t really catch. Youngjae feels his eyes filling with tears looking at Jaebeom all he wants is to hug him and ask him to take him away from here, he doesn’t know why he accepted to come here in the first place but he doesn’t want to do it anymore. “Hey, what happened? You were excited about this, it was all you could talk about for the last week, aren’t you enjoying yourself?”

“I feel-- don’t I look pathetic? Why am I doing this I can’t even move those are so uncomfortable and I can’t see anything with my hair in my eyes,”

“Youngjae, baby, I can’t put it in words how beautiful you look right now, I get it you’re nervous you never did it before. But, why don’t you just enjoy it? If it doesn’t work out you will never see these people again, if it does you will always work harder and harder to give your best. Right?” Jaebeom points at the place where he was before, “we can leave if you want if you are too uncomfortable, but if you want to keep going just make pretty poses for me, I’ll be there taking pretty pics of my boyfriend.”

Before he goes back to stand behind Julian he steals a kiss from Youngjae mindful to not mess up his makeup, Youngjae is confused at first but then Jaebeom is taking his phone and snapping pics of him non-stop and Youngjae can’t help smiling at him. He doesn’t feel that comfortable with himself, he feels like he will fall at any second with these dumb shoes, but he feels more confident as if it doesn’t matter the way he looks, and Jaebeom has no shame yelling at him just how handsome he looks. 

Julian says Youngjae has the prettiest smile he has ever photographed and it works well with his deep eyes, they make a lot of wardrobe changes, Youngjae follows everything Julian says he has to do as best as he can. It’s almost night when Susan says it’s enough. “When the photos are ready I will give you a call and we’ll have another meeting with Allison. That wasn’t so bad.”

“That’s so weird, isn’t it? Like we were in a studio right now I was wearing brand expensive clothes, uncomfortable as hell, but still expensive. And like I don’t even have a place to live,” Youngjae says as they walk, Jaebeom with his arm over the other boy’s shoulder breathing in his hair’s smell. 

“It’s a bit weird because it’s too far from our reality. But seeing you out there, it’s not that weird, you’re really good.”

Youngjae makes a face at his boyfriend not believing him for a second, “I was terrible Jaebeom, you had to give me a pep talk because I couldn’t even move, how is this being ‘really good’?”

“Don’t be silly you were really good after it, I did a great job.” Youngjae smacks his chest, it’s really firm and he likes how it feels against his fingers. Jaebeom announces that they are going out to eat that Youngjae can complain all he wants, he will eat something after the day he had. They go to a pasta place, Youngjae loves pasta, he doesn’t even pretend he isn’t starving. 

His entire body hurts, it’s been hurting for days now, he hasn’t been able to sleep because of that, it goes away as soon as he puts the food in his mouth. They eat in silence, Jaebeom watches while Youngjae dives in, he’s been dying for any kind of food but pasta and meatballs it’s just too good he can’t even think about the reasons why he shouldn’t eat this much at once. “So, why was that woman weighing you at the studio?”

Youngjae wasn’t expecting that, well he was but not now, that wasn’t a good moment. “It’s her job to check my weight and shit.”

“Were you trying to lose weight before the shooting, and don’t lie to me, I can see how much skinner you look now.” Jaebeom’s voice is serious, Youngjae doesn’t want to lie, not to him, it doesn’t feel right but nothing about crazy diets feels like should be on the open either. 

“No,” he looks away, the food not setting alright with him anymore. 

“Good, ‘cause you don’t need to lose any weight, you’re perfect already and I know how crazy these people can get about looks I don’t want it to get to your head it can be damaging,” Jaebeom sounds so worried and like he doesn’t believe Youngjae’s words completely, Youngjae feels so bad for lying but it’s not like it will be a recurrent thing. 

He won’t have to lie about this forever but still, the feeling won’t go away so he treats Jaebeom especially well giving him small kisses and touches, feeding him his own food, and making soft cute voices to talk to him. Jaebeom won’t ever admit it but he loves to be babied. “Hum, I need to go to the bathroom,” Jaebeom responds with a small ‘okay’ before Youngjae is flaying out of his chair. 

He almost can’t make it to one of the stalls before he is throwing up everything he just ate, it hurts his throat and his stomach, it’s also disgusting. He sits on the floor crying his eyes out, he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him, or maybe he does, but he just feels so incapable of doing anything to change things. He hates what he’s becoming, the tears won’t stop coming.

Jaebeom is waiting for him so he gets up and washes his face and mouth thoroughly. Youngjae goes back slowly to the table where Jaebeom toys with his phone, “I was getting worried-- were you crying?”

“No, I just-- I guess I’m overwhelmed, can we go now?” 

Jaebeom gets up kissing the top of his head, he pays for their food and takes Youngjae out of the place they don’t talk much, Jaebeom doesn’t seem happy and the other boy soon understands the reason. “I still have to work tonight, it’s not just normal working, Elektra wants me to go to an office thing I can’t really say no, believe me, I tried to. You can wait for me at my room, I’ll tell Jackson to leave you alone I don’t want you to be alone--”

“Don’t need to look so worried, I’m fine. I’m just gonna head to my personal shelter. You go do your thing… I’m sorry that you have to go though.” 

“It’s fine, I’m always fine. I will see you tomorrow, alright?” He kisses Youngjae for the longest time, he’s lucky he had some mint Halls with him so Jaebeom won’t taste anything bad in his mouth. Neither of them wants to go but the older boy has to and so he does. 

Youngjae feels something hurting inside him and it’s not just his stomach, he wants to protect Jaebeom, he knows it’s always the other way around but the truth is that he wants to give Jaebeom what he never had, the love and the care he couldn’t get. He wants him to feel safe, he knows he doesn’t feel like that right now. He wants it all to come to an end already. 

  
  


Jaebeom works a lot the next week, Youngjae can see it on his tired eyes and how he falls asleep in the middle of sentences a lot of times but still, he makes an effort to see Youngjae almost every day. It’s not really a necessity and the boy tells him that but the other one insists on that, it’s not all bad, even seeing Jaebeom sleeping will make things to Youngjae, he feels happy in silly ways. 

It also takes his head off other things, like the fact that Susan hasn’t called or texted him at all, it isn’t supposed to be a big deal he tells himself that but that’s where his mind ends up whenever he is not with Jaebeom. Tonight he’s waiting for Jaebeom at the rooftop of his building, of course, he has no money to buy anything but Jackson helped him out.

He could never imagine that Jackson was the type to only buy organic stuff, turns out that’s all he has, he stuffed Youngjae with a bunch of organic fruits and even cheese, he also wanted Youngjae to get some wine but Youngjae thought that that wasn’t the best idea. Waiting for Jaebeom with fruits at a cold night in the rooftop was weird enough, he had no idea when the boy was getting there. 

Youngjae didn’t have to wait for as long as the time he waited at the door but this time it was way colder and he was outdoors, at least he wasn’t being dumb and was wearing as many layers as possibles. It wasn’t much longer before Jaebeom texted him, he was excited but the feeling died pretty soon.

_ <Jaebeomie 💖> 22:11: _

_hey, r u already here?_

_i dont feel like hanging out_

Youngjae doesn’t know what to do, it’s not like he can just trash everything Jackson gave him, these things are probably expensive, but worst than that he’s been waiting for Jaebeom for hours now and the other knows that. He can’t just act like he doesn’t, a simple text won’t cut it out, he breathes in and out and calls Jaebeom instead of just texting. His boyfriend doesn’t pick up, but returns the call after ten minutes. 

“I was taking a shower, sorry, what’s up?”

“What’s up-- Really? Can you at least come up here? I’ve been waiting for you, Jaebeom, that’s really shitty of you.” Youngjae says getting even madder. 

Jaebeom huffs obviously not taking him seriously, “listen, I’m tired, can’t we do it another time. I worked a lot and I just want to sleep.”

“Huh, alright you can sleep. Just come here kiss me good night then go back to your bed, it’s freezing but I won’t leave without seeing you.” Youngjae might be being demanding, Jaebeom is tired and all, he might be being childish too, but it’s just weird that they are the same place and Jaebeom doesn’t even want to see him, it doesn’t seem him like him at all. Youngjae can pinpoint exactly when something is wrong and he is right this time around too. 

Jaebeom shows up shortly after they hang up only on his pajamas and a thin cardigan, Youngjae sees it in an instant, “what the hell is that? Who did this to you?”

“It’s nothing,” he tries to stop Youngjae to get to close to him but the boy is all up his face. There are bruises at the corner of his lips and at one of his eyes, they look bad, really bad, like someone really tried to spank him. Youngjae feels like hurting this person back but in a much more painful way. Touching Jaebeom’s lips the boy whines “it hurts, Youngjae, goddamnit!”

“I’m sorry… we should take care of it let’s go inside.” He tries to hurry them down but Jaebeom doesn’t even move, he is looking down, shame in his eyes. 

“I already took care of it, don’t worry. Did you make it all for me?” He eyes the things on the ground, Youngjae can’t see his eyes but he’s obviously sad, he doesn’t know if hugging would be good or not. “I feel like an ass for getting hurt especially when you do something special for us. What’s the occasion?”

There was not an occasion Youngjae just wanted to be good to Jaebeom, to give something back, nothing seems to go as planned to them. “You didn’t get hurt, someone did it to you. What can I do to make it feel better?” He kisses at Jaebeom’s nose tip lightly. 

“Just stay tonight,” they sit on the blanket Youngjae stole from Jaebeom’s closet, and the younger boy eats some green grapes, Jaebeom comments he likes eating strawberries with cheese that’s probably the reason why Jackson gave them to Youngjae. The boy finds it disgusting, neither of them eats it since Jaebeom’s jaw is too sore for it, Youngjae is on verge of tears but he pretends well talking about light things. 

It’s only after a while that Jaebeom explains what happened, it’s not as if Youngjae didn’t imagine it but hearing it just makes the boy even angrier, clenching his fists, it was client and it wasn’t the first time something like that happened. Jaebeom assured him that Elektra wouldn’t let the man go unpunished, as if it was enough to give Youngjae some peace. 

The food is put aside so Youngjae can put his legs over Jaebeom’s while the other has his ones crossed, “I’m tired and I don’t know what to do.”

“What does it mean?” Jaebeom asks confusedly, the boy is cold so Youngjae gets a little closer to warm him up legs circling his waist, he’s already hurt he doesn’t need a cold on top of it. 

“When I was fifteen before I even turned sixteen I kissed a boy in the back of the school. I didn’t like him, he didn’t like me either I guess it was kind of a prank. Anyways the whole city knew the very next day.” Youngjae feels a tear rolling down his face, he doesn’t know why he isn’t even that sad talking about it anymore. “My mom, of course, found out as well, so she said I had to go just like that. I was a kid, I didn’t do anything and she treated like I was nothing.”

“I’m sorry, Youngjae,” Jaebeom whispers in the night, the only light coming from the moon and the stars above them Youngjae thought it was supposed to mean something. 

“I hate the fact that selling drugs was the only option I found but at least I had that, I could keep going to school and all, but living in the streets when you can barely defend yourself--” 

“I know, I know, baby,” Jaebeom drys his tears up, kissing his face, they hug awkwardly that’s when Youngjae is sure that other parts of his body are also hurt. 

They stay quiet, that wasn’t everything Youngjae wanted to say but he doesn’t know how to continue, he needs a moment but Jaebeom takes it on himself to talk about his own life. “It was a bit different for me, I mean people talked yeah but my father said it was alright as long as I had girlfriends and not brought shame onto his name. So I did for a time, I had a bunch of girls, with this face you can imagine,” he smirks.

Youngjae only smiles at him, they know it’s not something funny. “Whenever they wanted to do more than just kissing I would break up with them, of course, my old man soon noticed it so it was either I settled with some pretty girl or I’d leave his house to live my fag life I guess. You can see where I am now, it has never been luxurious.”

None, of their lives, has been nice to them, Youngjae thinks Jaebeom has got it worse having to fake it for someone’s entertainment just to end up doing it again for a living now. He sobs out of nowhere startling Jaebeom that only hugs him asking him what’s wrong. “Why-- why did you approach me at the bridge?”

“What?” 

“Just tell me, why did you approach me?” They can’t see each other’s faces so it’s alright to say whatever. 

“Were you going to jump? That’s my only reason, really. You looked like you were scared and lonely,” Jaebeom’s fingers play with his hairs slowly while he seems to think about something. 

Youngjae doesn’t like to think about what that if he was going to jump or not, there wasn’t much for him at that time, he had no reason to keep going, he just didn’t care. But right now it’s just different. So he ignores the question. “Yeah, I was lonely. But, that was it?”

“After that, after I saw you I just think I fell for your face instantly. I’m not gonna lie, I wasn’t after dating you that’s not what I look for but some people they just seem right for you, you know?” Jaebeom’s voice seems honest enough, his eyes are just so sincere and sad.

“I know,” Youngjae doesn’t know if that’s what he was expecting to hear but it’s the best thing he could hear. Jaebeom is also right for him, he knows that. “Jaebeom, I’m really, really tired, I want a way out of this for us.” 

Jaebeom looks at him hopelessly, as if he could give Youngjae the world if he only could do so, that’s just how Youngjae feels as well. But he’s sure he will do whatever he has to do now, he will never see Jaebeom with his face beaten up like that ever again, he won’t ever have him feeling disgusting with himself, he will change things for them no matter what he has to do. 

So when Susan calls him for a meeting two days later Youngjae goes with his mind set up, he will get a contract, his head is held up, he won’t act like a nervous kid without their parents, he has been by himself for the longest time. He knows how to deal with intimidating people, he can stand up for himself, he knows his worth and the most important part, he knows what’s his prize. 

“The photos are perfect,” it’s the first thing that comes out of Allison’s mouth, “it’s incredible, Susan said you were having a hard time in the beginning but you can’t tell it at all, you look like a pro. Youngjae, I can show these photos to my best clients, you are not lacking in anything,” she says proudly as if she is Youngjae’s mother as if she made him herself.

“Well, I don’t think you can show them my photos before we have a contract,” his voice is a strong as hers.

Susan looks taken aback by his words, Youngjae is proud is the first time he can actually get a reaction from her, Allison just smiles. “You know, I like it way better when I cast someone that actually does their homework and it isn’t just a dumbie going after their dreams and then going bankrupt after two or so years.”

She looks at Susan that hands Youngjae a lot of papers, they say he has time to read them as many times as he pleases, that he can take them home and read them over. Allison does explain them to him, it was supposed to be just a six months contract since they can never be so sure of the outcoming of the model but the photos were too good. Allison wants to invest in Youngjae, she wants to guarantee that he will only work for her for at least one year and that she will have priority when the time to renew comes. 

“What you need to know,” Susan explains, “is that you will have a big salary, clothes since yours... don’t represent our brands, skincare, we will take care of your image, we will obviously be responsible for booking you, and you also make money from the campaigns you get. Your part is showing up at the castings, give your best, not let anyone steal it from you, and keep your body in check, do you understand?”

Did Youngjae understand it, was he going to have a salary for exclusivity and extra cash for every campaign he got? He wanted to smile, to laugh from happiness even, but he didn’t, he just nodded his head. “Yeah, I get it. Will, I have any restrictions if I sign this?”

“We will create an image for you, you just follow it, don’t share too much about the real you. Other than that no.” Susan is doing all the convincing. 

“I won’t pretend to be straight,” 

Now Allison smiles wider, “if that’s the problem, just sign it already, no one will make you do that, sweet.”

So, Youngjae does sign he feels safe and respected, it’s weird because indeed the contract seems to be good for both parts, he doesn’t feel like he’s been taken advantage of. It’s like things will finally work out for him, he will have money, that’s the only thing he can think about, he can’t wait to tell Jaebeom, and Joy he’s pretty sure she will freak out. He’s almost freaking out himself when they open him a new bank account and there’s already some money there. 

“You will have someone responsible for you, we didn’t decide it but it will probably be Irene,” Youngjae has no idea who irene is but at least is not Susan, he knows she didn’t do anything to him but he doesn’t like her. “She will go shopping with you, take care of what you eat, of your social media, and such but that will be later.”

“Every model has that?”

“The ones I want to be big has,” it’s all Allison says, Youngjae almost feels proud of himself. 

Youngjae feels in cloud nine, Yelena, the rude girl has to say hello nicely to him even if it’s in a fake way, he doesn’t care. He’s ready to call Jaebeom, he is the first person to whom he wants to tell about this, but the moment he gets his phone the thing starts buzzing in his hands.

“Hey, I was about to call you,” he smiles. 

“Good, timing then, I have a surprise for you, can you meet me now?” Jaebeom sounds happier than him if that’s even possible. 

“Oh, sure, are you at your place? I’m a bit far,”

“No, I’m somewhere else, I’ll text you the address when you get here just call me, I’ll come down,” he says voice too happy and soft. 

“Jaebeom, what you’re up to?” Youngjae can’t help his curiosity.

“You will love it! You won’t be tired anymore, baby.” Youngjae can hear the excitement in Jaebeom’s voice and for a moment he feels the other’s happiness overcome his own. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- sorry again if it was too triggering it can get better or worse idk tbh  
> \- this update would happen next week but 2jae just won't stop :))))))) but now i really should focus on my exams  
> \- i hope we all can support got7's CB they deserve some wins andddddd youngjae's ost :((( baby deserves the world  
> \- anyways i think jb's surprise is pretty obvious but... lets see plus yeah i made them extra sweet this chapter :)  
> \- hope you enjoyed this chapter as long and as kinda boring as it was......... pls stay healthy this shit is still going on so keep on taking care of yourself


	7. H.O.M.E.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the longest chapter when im still doing my exams :)) what can happen to me??? fail???  
> anyways i just wanted to update!! and even if it's simple i like this chapter a lot im cheesy :)  
> Mar im gifting it to you pls i hope you know that ur an awesome person and that you give a lot of strength

The neighborhood Youngjae walks in is a residential one, he can tell it pretty soon, he can see kids running around and some old people as well, he has no idea why Jaebeom would ask him to come here. He checks the address again but everything seems to be right, so when he is standing in front of a small building, just three floors and a vintage look to it he decides to call his boyfriend. 

In less than two minutes Jaebeom is getting out of said building smiling like a crazy man, Youngjae smiles back even if he’s confused as hell. “What is this, Jaebeom?” 

“I’m a bit nervous, to be honest, but I hope you’ll like it,” it’s not much help, and as if Youngjae couldn’t tell he is nervous anyway, what with the weird expressions, and with his hand almost crushing Youngjae’s one in his. The boy assures the older one that it will be alright even if he has no idea what is going on, it can't be anything bad.

They enter the building greeting the doorman, it’s an old man that barely pays them any attention, they go to the elevator going straight to the 3rd floor. Jaebeom seems to be sweating. Youngjae is confused but kisses his temple sweetly, “hey, I already said it’s going to be alright. Stop worrying,” 

The fact is that he doesn’t have much time to worry anyways, the doors open and Jaebeom is walking Youngjae to one of the apartments, his hand on Youngjae’s small back. He has the keys the younger boy notices, which is weird but he won’t comment on it now, maybe later, ‘303’, he also notes in case he has to come back here again. 

When the door is finally open after Jaebeom has a hard time with the lock, they get inside slowly, no one is saying anything, it’s almost comical, Jaebeom sounded so happy over the phone why is he behaving like a scared kid now? “Do you like it?”

“Hm?” Youngjae looks around, he didn’t know he was supposed to check out the place, it’s not big, he can see the kitchen from where they stand in the living room. Even though it’s old it was probably renewed recently, it has two doors closed, he supposes is the bathroom and a restroom, enough for an apartment. “It’s cute?” 

Really, Youngjae doesn’t know what is the right thing to say here, the place is nice and all but he doesn’t know what exactly Jaebeom wants to hear. “Come,” it’s all Jaebeom says, walking him through the place, and Youngjae quite likes it, he smiles clinging to Jaebeom’s arm, he tells him so because he thinks that’s the right thing to say and also because that’s the truth. 

The couch isn’t very comfortable, but the bed is like sitting on clouds, Youngjae wants to live there, that’s when it hits him. “Oh my God, should we be sitting on someone else’s bed like this?”

Jaebeom smiles again, still nervous but a little more confident, “Youngjae, I know how soon it all is. I know you don’t have to tell me… but this place now it’s kind of ours.” 

Then Youngjae stares at him kinda waiting for him to laugh it off, to say he is joking, to just say something that makes sense but nothing comes. Nothing, he just looks back at Youngjae and is a staring game, Youngjae can’t believe his ears, Jaebeom wouldn’t do something like that, would he? “You rented this place?”

Jaebeom opens his mouth then closes it, “yeah. For us, for us to be together.”

They are sitting on the comfy bed looking at each other but Youngjae just has to think he lets go of Jaebeom’s hands to stare ahead, “did you do that to take me out of the streets? To give me a roof? I mean you already have a place to live so it makes no sense-- Jaebeom I don’t want to be someone that you have to take care like this, I just want to be your boyfriend!”

“Youngjae! I don’t want you to react like this, ok, yeah maybe knowing that you were alone in the cold without a place to sleep played a part in it, but not the main role.” He turns Youngjae’s face in his direction again, their eyes a mirror of each other. “I just want to be with you, you were suffering, we both were, I was working hard I was saving up for this. So it could be me and you only.”

Youngjae nods, he doesn’t know what to say, in reality, that’s what he was planning on doing with his money too, maybe not move in with Jaebeom so soon, it’s really soon, they’ve been dating for barely a month. But to free them both, that still is his goal. That has always been his plan to help them both, to just change their lives and to make things better, he just doesn’t know how to react now that Jaebeom is the one doing it. 

He pecks Jaebeom’s lips, arms circling the boy’s neck slowly, “why is everything between us so fast?” 

Jaebeom laughs shaking his head, “I don’t know, but it feels right. So you will stay?” 

“Of course, I will. Have you felt this bed?” Youngjae says getting even comfier on it, the older man smiles widely kissing him. It’s hard to kiss like that but they manage, Youngjae wants to tell him about the contract with the agency but he just wants to enjoy their happiness about being together now. He also wants to ask about other stuff but he will keep it for later. 

Youngjae is feeling something he never felt before, and it’s all too soon, too fast, Jaebeom is kissing him delicately but the boy is feeling it in his core, love. He knew he was falling and that was okay for him, he thought it was an experience, and people would have it in their lives but to feel it towards him it’s the craziest thing he ever felt. 

He makes a noise in the back of his throat just at the wrong time since it makes Jaebeom stop kissing him, “are you crying?” He asks a little startled, Youngjae would be too if it was the other way around. 

Youngjae nods, there’s no way to fake his way out of this anyway, and he will just say it “Jaebeom, you love me.” 

Jaebeom chokes in nothing looking down at him, he is quick to recompose himself but the blush just keeps getting worse and worse. “I--” Jaebeom looks at everything that is not Youngjae’s eyes, but then he just lays his body entirely over the younger boy’s one, hiding his face at the crock of his neck. “God, do you have to say it like that?”

Youngjae laughs out loud, kissing the top of his head, “how else would I say it? It’s just clear and I’m making a statement,”

They stay in silence for a long time, Youngjae thinks they won’t talk about it anymore he’s okay with that. Really he was just saying something he realized, but then Jaebeom looks back at him and there’s something different in his eyes, “never loved anything or anyone, but you, yeah. I love you, I will do anything for you, Choi Youngjae. And you’re right is not hard to see it.”

Youngjae doesn’t wait to be kissed, he knows he will but he doesn’t wait, he kisses Jaebeom first, pulls him down by his hair harshly not caring if it’s too much or not, he just wants to feel. He wants them to burn here together. He kisses Jaebeom in a way he never kissed anyone, not even Jaebeom, not even the guy that gave him a handjob once. 

Their tongues and teeth are in a battle, it was never like that when they need to come up for air it’s barely a kiss anymore it’s just them trying to eat each other’s lips. Youngjae doesn’t let Jaebeom breathe for long though, he soon is kissing him again, biting at his lips, making sure to not hurt them but to leave _his_ marks. Jaebeom is already rutting against one of his legs even if they didn’t do much more than kissing. 

“Do-- I know you just rented the place but do you have stuff?” Youngjae says while he tries to get Jaebeom’s ugly oversized shirt out of the way. Jaebeom’s eyes are full of lust and he kisses Youngjae’s neck bitting at it quickly before answering. 

“I already brought all my things, so yes.” Jaebeom doesn’t have to leave his spot over Youngjae to get the things at the nightstand, he drops a bottle of lube and condoms in the bed. He takes off his shirt all the way just to go back at kissing Youngjae passionately one more time. “You wanna go all the way, baby?” 

Youngjae took advantage of the situation to support his body on his elbows so he could kiss at Jaebeom’s chest. Jaebeom practically meowled when he gave a quick open-mouthed kiss at one of his nipples. He was so gorgeous, Youngjae thinks he can get off just by looking at the other getting off which is a weird thought. 

“Yeah, but-- I don’t have much experience so…” Youngjae is embarrassed so he tries to distract Jaebeom by sucking on his nipples, he didn’t know the older would like it so much. Jaebeom lets him take control lying in bed and letting Youngjae on top of him so they could be more comfortable. The boy never did it before but soon he felt more comfortable giving it small bites and licks, Jaebeom seems to like it he was moaning, it pleased Youngjae. 

He took off his shirt as well, it was getting too hot in there, he knew he didn’t have a body like Jaebeom’s but he would never have it and if they would have sex he couldn’t be thinking about it all the time. Jaebeom let his hands slid through his torso, “so handsome, baby. So beautiful. Come here,” 

He kissed Youngjae again and even though before it was the dirtiest kiss Youngjae has ever had now it was a promising kiss, Jaebeom was pretty much fucking his mouth with his tongue not letting him do anything, taking total control, showing him that before he allowed Youngjae to play but he was the one in control now. 

“What do you mean with ‘not much experience’?” Any other time that question would make Youngjae embarrassed but now he felt like there was nothing to be embarrassed here. Jaebeom loved him, he would not judge him over sex. 

“I just gave a boy a handjob once and well he did the same to me, that was it, I was already out of my house. It was awful, to be honest, so--” 

“You don’t have to think about it anymore then, it won’t be awful this time,” Jaebeom is way stronger than him even if he doesn’t show it that much, so it’s not that surprising when he turns their bodies quickly. Soon he is on top undoing Youngjae’s belt, then all he has to do it lower his pants. 

Jaebeom knows how to get him hard, he probably noticed how he got half-hard at his place last time, now he is past half-hard already. So all Jaebeom has to do is kiss and suck at his neck, here the noises are loud and clear, Youngjae can admit that he gets off on them he is not ashamed of even saying so. Jaebeom hmms at the information, and keeps sucking bitting as well making a mess of Youngjae. 

Jaebeom still in his jeans so it is painful that he is rutting his hard dick against Youngjae’s one that is only protected but a thin layer of fabric, but it’s so good at the same time. The pain is confusing him with the pleasure Jaebeom’s mouth is bringing him, he has to bite the inside of his mouth to keep himself from screaming. 

“Come on, you know I want to hear it,” Jaebeom says voice a little too harsh, commanding on his ear. Youngjae almost cums from his voice alone. He wants to say that they just moved here, they can’t be fucking loudly, but he can’t really form any word or sentences so he just shakes his head.

Jaebeom makes an unpleasant noise that Youngjae ignores but he shouldn’t, the other bites at his adam's apple harshly thrusting on him all at the same time. Youngjae can’t take it he moans loudly and when Jaebeom’s raspy voice tells him to ‘cum’ he does just that. 

He doesn’t know what happens, he thinks he passes out for a second or maybe it’s two hours because the next thing he sees is Jaebeom laying in to kiss him. He takes Youngjae’s underwear all the way off, it is disgustingly wet and the boy doesn’t even want to think about it. 

Jaebeom lays beside him kissing him this time a little less aggressively, “was it too much, baby?”

Youngjae blushes, Jaebeom looks so good and still hard he notices, he makes a noise of embarrassment. “You have to understand, no one ever treated me like that and like I couldn’t really touch myself for a really long time so, of course, I would cum fast. It’s not fair.”

Jaebeom just takes the strand of hair that it’s glued to his forehead due the sweat and kiss his nose, “I’m not judging you,” 

“I wanted to cum in your dick, though,” Youngjae complains.

Jaebeom seems to be in pain at the words and Youngjae almost laughs, “who says you won’t?” He is glad he didn’t laugh. “I was just getting you ready to the real fun,” just like that he gets in between Youngjae’s inner thighs kissing them, his entire body shakes at that. He knows well what is it like to be sensitive after an orgasm but he didn’t know simple kisses would do that to him. 

He also leaves marks there, Youngjae thinks he is fucked and he will have to talk about the modeling thing after it, but just it can’t be that bad. Jaebeom is kissing his entire body telling him just how beautiful he is, this is the only moment Youngjae can believe anyone that says it to him. Because he knows Jaebeom wouldn’t lie, even if it’s just because he is in love, he believes in the other. 

“I’ll go slow, alright?” At first, Youngjae has no idea what Jaebeom is talking about, but then he can hear the bottle of lube being opened. “Relax, baby,” he says as soon as he feels Youngjae’s body tensing up. 

Youngjae decides to look down, his curiosity winning him over. He sees Jaebeom warming the liquid substance on three of his fingers, it’s a bit scary but that’s what he wants, he has seen it in porn, people do it all the time, he can do it too. Jaebeom kisses his hole sending shocks through his entire body, Youngjae thinks that if he hadn’t cum before maybe it would be enough to make him cum.

One of Jaebeom’s fingers is circling his rim, it’s kinda weird at first but it just gets weirder when a fraction of the finger gets inside. Noticing his reaction Jaebeom is back at kissing his thighs and uses his other hand to pull at his flaccid dick, it’s a bit too much. He’s still a bit sensitive but it starts to get interesting, it turns out that it doesn’t take long for Jaebeom to have two fingers inside him, it’s just a bit uncomfortable but his dick it’s completely interested in what is going on already. 

“I really want it,” Youngjae says moaning, his voice barely a whisper in the room. He knows it will end soon again, but at least Jaebeom seems to be very worked up too. He is sweaty and so concentrated on Youngjae, he won’t stop saying how much he wants him too, how hard he is just for Youngjae, how much he wants to be inside the boy. 

“Just in a bit, baby, you will be all mine, yeah?” He comes up to give Youngjae a kiss that is not really a kiss, it’s just them breathing on each other’s mouth but it’s enough. He is up to three fingers now and he is playing with Youngjae’s insides, with his nerves, it’s just so good now so different from how it was in the beginning. 

Youngjae is thrusting back against his fingers, he wants more of this, he wants harder and faster. Jaebeom is indeed starting to go faster, he hits Youngjae’s prostate a few times and that’s when the boy has it, he knows men can cum from this alone. “Okay, just put it in! Now!”

It’s easier said than done though, get Jaebeom inside it’s troublesome. Jaebeom put’s on a condom and Youngjae asks him to lube his dick up himself. Jaebeom is rock-hard on his fingers, it’s just so hot, he is moaning but Youngjae also notices that he might be a lot larger than his fingers. His theory is proved right when he is getting in and it just hurts so bad. 

Youngjae doesn’t want to tell him to stop, he knows it’s supposed to hurt but Jaebeom can tell, he seems pained too but obvious for another reason. “I don’t want to hurt you.” He thinks for a bit them he manages Youngjae in a way where his legs are really open apart, one of them resting on Jaebeom’s broad shoulder. “Breath in,”

When Youngjae does Jaebeom enters him, just a little bit, it’s already too much, Youngjae wants to call the whole thing off but Jaebeom seems to be so into it he decides to try a bit more. He breathes in and out trying to relax his body accommodating Jaebeom as the boy jerks him slowly. He is getting horny again so he kind of pushes against the other. 

“Fuck-- warn a guy first--” Jaebeom cries out, half of his dick already in, Youngjae would laugh if it didn’t impact him as well. But then it’s just so much easier for both of them, they used a lot of lube so Jaebeom is slick and making absurd noises, Youngjae loves them. When he bottoms up they both need time to breathe and they do so together. 

Jaebeom kisses him biting at his bottom lip softly this time, “you’re so hot, fuck so tight-- I could die here,”

“That’s so corny, Jaebeom,” but he doesn’t mind, not really.

Jaebeom makes a small movement that has them both moaning in union, “it’s not a lie though,” Youngjae nods at him giving him the permission he didn’t really ask for. Jaebeom starts fucking him slowly mindful of it being the boy’s first time. They enjoy the slow pace, Jaebeom devouring Youngjae’s neck while he almost folds the smaller boy in half. 

It doesn’t last long though, soon Youngjae is meeting his thrusting, the slowness becoming too much for the boy to bear. He already came tonight but he can’t stand it. “Jaebeom, please harder, just fuck me, fuck me, yeah? The hardest you can--”

It’s like Jaebeom was waiting for it because he fucks Youngjae in a way he wasn’t doing before, he fucks him desperately, like he’s been holding back himself, twisting one of Youngjae’s nipple’s painfully and then kissing it. Fucking in and out of him almost completely not giving him time to think, hitting his prostate with no mercy. 

“Mine--” is all Youngjae’s can make out from the mess of words coming out of Jaebeom’s mouth, he is close too close. He feels himself clenching around Jaebeom and the older boy almost growl over him. They are both close. 

He gets off of Youngjae, Youngjae hates how empty he feels instantly, he never thought that that was a feeling he would even have. But then Jaebeom is taking off the condom and connecting their dicks, it’s almost enough to make Youngjae cum again. Jaebeom spreads their pre-cum over their dicks getting them just so so wet, they are moaning and he is jerking them together.

Youngjae never did anything like this but he lets his hand find Jaebeom’s and them they are doing it together, it’s incredible hotter to do it together. Just a fell more bumps and they are cumming, one after another. Youngjae kisses his boyfriend stupidly ‘till the other gets up to clean them, he never felt this happy and this loved before. 

Jaebeom comes back and lays with him, they don’t talk just kiss, Youngjae likes it, kissing ‘till they pass out, it will probably happen sooner than ever but he doesn’t care. They just hold on to each other, at their bed, in their room, in their apartment, Youngjae smiles kissing Jaebeom one more time. 

Nothing could wake Youngjae up after the blowing mind orgasms he had, he thought he could just stay in this bed that felt like clouds and sleep forever. If it wasn’t for Jaebeom’s demanding annoying lips on his ear lobe sucking and saying something Youngjae can’t quite make out, he doesn’t care enough. ‘Till Jaebeom seems to be over it and just shakes him, “come on, that’s enough sleeping, Sleeping Beauty time to wake up.”

Youngjae wants to protest that no he won’t wake up, that he just wants to sleep ‘cause now he can but instead, he just turns to Jaebeom still with closed eyes, “so you gotta kiss me, in the lips, am I right?” He says pouting.

Jaebeom laughs but concedes giving his lips a quick kiss, sweet and chaste, “there you are, now open your eyes, we need to go grocery shopping.”

Youngjae opens his eyes in disbelief, Jaebeom is already walking out of the bed going to the wardrobe where he already put his clothes in, “you didn’t just wake me up so we can go grocery shopping. What the hell, Jaebeom? We can just order something and deal with it another day.” 

It’s already dark outside, Youngjae must have slept a lot he is not even tired he is just protesting because it would feel wrong to not to do so at this point. Of all the things they can do together on their first day here, Jaebeom wants to go to a supermarket. So Youngjae doesn’t even move in the bed ‘till Jaebeom comes back to annoy him saying they have to, that even though they have furniture they still need food. 

“And when we get back you will put your clothes on the hangers while I put the food away,” and that makes something warm up inside Youngjae, he gets up smiling wearing the first thing he sees even if it’s ugly baggy jeans and an even uglier pink hoddie. He kisses Jaebeom taking him by the hand so they can leave already, he doesn’t forget his wallet, they still haven’t talked about the model thing, he will do that as soon as they get home. 

They walk to the supermarket, it’s not that big but at least it’s close enough just two blocks away from their place. It still weird to call it ‘theirs’ but a good kind of weird. Jaebeom has a list and everything, he gets a cart that he starts filling with things Youngjae only eyes, there’s nothing here he really wants so he just lets his boyfriend be.

Youngjae spots some cheese and remembers that Jaebeom likes them with strawberry, he gets one and puts in the cart back hugging the taller man in the process but then he just won’t go away, Jaebeom stops walking altogether with Youngjae’s arms around him. “What are you doing?”

“Hugging my boyfriend?” He feigns innocence, he knows Jaebeom is probably blushing. 

“Here? We are grocery shopping, Youngjae, people are looking at us.” And he wasn’t wrong, people were looking their way, but it didn’t bother Youngjae he just kissed Jaebeom’s neck and didn’t move away. 

“So?” They kept walking like that, it wasn’t the best or most comfortable way to shop, but it was fun, Youngjae knew it was doing something to Jaebeom’s body. The shopping only lasted more twenty or so minutes and then they were going to pay for the stuff they bought, in Youngjae opinion that was the most boring part. 

Before Jaebeom could even think about getting his wallet Youngjae gave the cashier his new credit card, he could see that Jaebeom wanted to protest but no words left his mouth at least not fast enough. “Thank you,” Youngjae said to the girl and they just walked out trying to hold everything they bought it was too much the boy thought to himself. 

“How did you even pay for all of that? Are you back working for that bastard that stole your money?” The words were leaving Jaebeom’s mouth even before they were completely inside the apartment. 

“Woah, hold on there. I also have a lot of questions but I was waiting for the right timing, y’know? You don’t need to start it off like that,” Youngjae said sitting in one of the chairs while he put the groceries at the sink, he wasn’t going to put them away. 

“Okay, everyone has questions, but you are answering them first, what card was that?” 

So demanding Youngjae thinks to himself, they have to work on that, he looks at his boyfriend who is sitting in front of him, face closed off. “No need to have a frown in such a beautiful face. The agency, remember right? Right, they called me back, when you called me and I said I was about to call was about that, I kind of signed a contract, I have a salary and everything.”

Jaebeom smiles then, it’s just so easy, he gets up to sit beside Youngjae and give him a kiss. “I’m happy for you, I knew you could do it. Is it good for you, though? And you’re already spending money, Youngjae--”

“Yeah, it’s good, I have a copy of the contract here so we can go over it together. I’m already spending money because it was necessary, you’re paying for all of this why can’t I pay for something?” Youngjae knows Jaebeom wants to protest but he isn’t done just yet. “And how long have you been saving to be able to rent a place like this? Don’t think I’m that dumb something is off in this and I want to know how you’re paying for this, Jaebeom.”

Jaebeom doesn’t say anything at first, it’s like he really expected Youngjae to just believe he was working more and that was it, Youngjae knows the place is small but still, it’s located in a safe neighborhood a residential one, it shouldn’t even be easy to get an empty place here. 

“I have a new contract with Elektra,” and that’s all he says no more information no explanations, Youngjae waits patiently but nothing comes. 

“What do you mean a new contract? Jaebeom, I’m right here say things clearly to me so I can understand!”

“What does it matter anyway? I’m tied to her as I’ve been for some time, the only difference is that now I’m gonna make more money, enough money to live the life I want to live, with you.” He says it as if it’s nothing as if Youngjae doesn’t know how unhappy he is selling his body to others.

“Oh God, this is bullshit, I went after this modeling thing not just for myself but for you too so you wouldn’t have to do that business anymore, and now you tell me you have a new contract? Anyways what worth is a contract with a pimp? You can just call it off, I’ll pay her back, maybe not now but--”

“Youngjae, stop. You don’t just get out when you want, you have a contract you stick to it, I have a new one I have to stick to it. I have no saying on this and neither have you so just drop it.” Jaebeom’s words are harsh but he doesn’t sound mad, maybe because he understands where Youngjae is coming from, why is he so desperate to just give the boy something else, another option. 

If only Susan had called him before, before Jaebeom had made this dumb contract that he thinks he can’t just cancel, that will have him tied to this fucking prostitution thing. Youngjae feels like he can’t breathe, he doesn’t say anything just walks out to the bathroom, he sits in the bathtub counting ‘till ten slowly. 

Jaebeom gave this all to him, he gave him a roof, now he can charge his phone whenever he wants, he has his side of a wardrobe, he has a comfortable bed with pillows and a bathroom with a bathtub on it. But it all comes with a price, he cries his eyes out, this wasn’t supposed to be like this, he was supposed to become rich and save Jaebeom not the other way around, what would the older boy have to do now with this new contract? 

He didn’t even tell Youngjae, he probably wouldn’t tell him, Youngjae knew him well enough to know that he would just keep it to himself and that hurt, even more, to know that he just keep the pain to himself. He hated himself for doing this to Jaebeom, he was the one to blame he knew that much as well, that was all because he fell in love and wasn’t thinking straight. 

Jaebeom knocked in the door, Youngjae just ignores it, he didn’t want to see him not because he was mad at the other, he was mad at himself. Embarrassed. “Baby, please let me in, I can hear you crying… it pains me.”

The door wasn’t even locked, Youngjae just murmured that he could get in if he wanted, he hides his face on his thighs though. Jaebeom sat beside him their legs hanging out of the tub touching slightly. He tries to hug Youngjae but he dodges away, Jaebeom sighs not knowing what to do.

“Baby, talk to me, swear at me, yell do anything but don’t give me the silent treatment.” He sounds hurt too. 

“I don’t want you to keep on prostituting because of me, it’s all my fault.” His words are muffled but he can say it out loud, Jaebeom is able to hug him this time. 

“It’s not because of you, I wanted to have this. A place to be with you, you see I wanted all of it. I also will be able to pay for dancing classes, did you know that that was my dream?” Youngjae shakes his head he didn’t know about it, and just how much money will Jaebeom be able to make with this new contract? “It will be just for a while after it I will never cross paths with her again, I will be free, I’ll live my life. It will all be over.”

Youngjae finally looks at him, he knows his eyes are red from crying too much, he wants to cry even more, “I wanted to make you free right now.” 

“We will work through it together, alright?” Again Youngjae wants to protest but there’s nothing he can say to that, how can he change Jaebeom’s mind? How can he end things with Elektra, only if went crazy and killed the woman, not that he will do that, but that’s the only solution that he can see. “Come on, I will make us some dinner.”

Not that Youngjae wants to eat anything but he enjoys seeing Jaebeom work, he even tries to help him a bit to try and distract his mind. “Why in the hell is this knife so big?” Youngjae asks when he finds a supper big knife in the cabinet, he was supposed to cut some tomatoes but he doesn’t think he needs something so big for it, he would probably cut himself with it. 

Jaebeom looks at it not even a bit impressed, “haven’t you realized that everything about me is big?” He is so serious that Youngjae wants to laugh if only because he can be so lame sometimes. 

“Wow, already with the sexual innuendos, Jaebeom? How clever of you,” he says rolling his eyes but before he can start on the tomatoes the older stops him by holding his wrist. 

“Let this with me, I don’t want you to hurt yourself. And I was talking about my hair, it’s not my fault you’re a horny teenager that only thinks about dick.” Youngjae wants to protest but really he’s been only thinking about dick, it’s either dick or how their lives suck somehow so the only way he can distract himself is when he is thinking about going to bed already. 

To Jaebeom despair Youngjae only eats the salad he made, but it’s comfortable enough, it’s pretty late already they have no idea what time it is but Youngjae knows it’s late. “You should hang your clothes,”

“Tonight? I’d rather do something else,” Jaebeom just laughs at him, he probably knew that he was going to hear that but pressed for it anyways. So they go to bed and have sex again, Youngjae thinks he can get addicted to it and that he even understands why some people do. 

Jaebeom is just so good to him, Youngjae wants to be good to him as well, he does everything he thinks that might make the other boy feel good paying attention to every reaction he gets from him. He likes the weight of Jaebeom over his body when they are done, he wants to sleep like that every night, he remembers to check his phone just to check the time, almost two in the morning and a bunch of texts. 

It startles Youngjae at first and then he sees that it’s from Irene, the woman that Susan said would probably work with him. She wants his address and him to be ready to be picked up by 4 AM, Youngjae almost chokes when he reads it. “What’s wrong?”

“I have to work in like two hours?” Jaebeom looks at him incredulous both at them checking the texts together, Youngjae texts the address not expecting to get an instant reply telling him to be down and inside the car at 4 AM sharp. “I can’t believe it!”

“You’ll barely get any sleep, you’re also pretty fucked out,” he says the last part a little pleased with himself. Youngjae slaps his arm, he can’t believe it really, it’s not that he thought that he would be paid to do nothing but he just signed the papers, isn’t it too soon? He should have checked his phone sooner. 

“You will have to hang my clothes for me,” Youngjae tells Jaebeom before setting an alarm and turning to the other side, Jaebeom kisses his nape still laying over him. 

The other day or rather a few hours later Youngjae gets up feeling all kinds of sore, he has no idea what kind of clothes he has to dress so he just dresses in all black that’s the most he can do, still pretty much baggy. He is using the bathroom quickly just to find Jaebeom in the kitchen when he opens the door. 

“What are you doing up? Go back to sleep!” This is ridiculous he has no reason to be up, he must be pretty tired himself. 

“Just didn’t want you to leave on an empty stomach, I cut some fruits for you,” his voice is way lower than Youngjae’s, he is obviously sleepy and ready to go back to sleep as soon as Youngjae leaves. 

Fruits aren’t that bad, but Youngjae has been a little paranoid, he didn’t want to stuff himself first thing in the morning, he isn’t even used to breakfast. He gets some cubes of mangoes that Jaebeom cut all in the same size smiling at his boyfriend, “mangoes, what are we, rich?” 

Jaebeom just rolls his eyes, thankfully he doesn’t have the time to eat much, his stomach is already protesting. He thanks Jaebeom when he gets the text from Irene saying that she is waiting for him. His boyfriend walks him to the door like a puppy. 

“Jaebeom, are you awake enough? If I say something will you remember it later?” He holds Jaebeom’s face in his hands, the other nods at him confused expression in his face. “I love you.” 

Then he closes the door after himself without giving Jaebeom time to say anything back, is not like Jaebeom didn’t know about it already, of course, he did, but Youngjae knows hearing it it’s different. Before he even leaves the building he gets a text. 

_ <Jaebeomie 💖> 4:01: _

_now i wont be able to sleep anymore_

  
  


Youngjae can’t stop smiling he walks to a black car before he can think much of it or even knock at the window one of the doors open to him. “Get in, you’re already late.” He was not late, it was what one minute? Two at best but what difference could it make? He sat at back with a small tiny woman, she was the prettiest one Youngjae has seen since he started in this business not that he has seen a lot. “I’m Irene, I’m your manager and we will be working together.”

“I’m Youngjae… I guess you already know it.”

“Of course, I do.” She says, her voice is sweet and low, she looks really pretty, she is so well dressed too, Youngjae wonders if he is supposed to be dressed like her, well not like her but as well as her. He introduces himself to the driver that is way nicer to him. 

Then his mind goes back to Jaebeom, to his body’s form all alone in their bed, he can’t stop smiling like a fool. He wants to kiss him so badly, just spend the entire day with him again. He is almost falling asleep thinking about all the things he wants to do to his boyfriend when a voice awakes him. 

“Don’t even think about sleeping your face will get even more swollen as if the hickeys aren’t enough. Keep your eyes open.” Youngjae thinks she can’t be serious but she is, he can’t even nap, they stay in the car for more than two hours going out of the city. They get to a farm, Youngjae doesn’t if it’s a real farm but it looks like one. 

There’s a lot of people here, he asks Irene what they will do here but she tells him to just mind one thing at a time and the first thing is his makeup and hair. There are a lot of models here, no one talks to him, the professionals working on them are nice though. That’s enough for Youngjae. The makeup isn’t over the top, he just has some eyeliner and blush, it’s pretty chill.

Everyone seems to be by themselves suddenly Youngjae is thankful that he has Irene with him even if she doesn’t say much, she gives him a change of clothes, not commenting on the ones he is wearing. It’s an all-pink suit jacket with nothing under it and vinyl pants that he wears with black boots. Youngjae isn’t sure if these are fashion, he supposes it can be. 

If he thought this would end quickly he was deadly wrong, it’s like he’s been here forever, there are a lot of staff but everyone seems busy. Youngjae feels as if he shouldn’t be here, everyone is just so pretty, “stand properly, they should think of you as top competition.”

“What?” He doesn’t understand what she means.

Irene rolls her eyes and looks at him, she’s a lot smaller than him but she’s very intimidating, “I know you don’t have experience in this field, but these people have. They will eat you up if you show weakness, we won’t do that.” She fixes his hair for him, this time his hair is up, just a strand falling over his face. “We will be the most successful ones here.”

“I don’t even know what is going on in here, is this a booking or some sort of competition?” 

She looks at him as if he is the dumbest person she has ever had to deal with in her life, “Youngjae no, we are meeting people, meeting photographers, some brand companies’ representatives, some important people are here just to see models working. A lot of models go to school you know that, right? Still, you are good, better than they so just show people that and we can go walk out of here,”

Youngjae takes some time to understand, this is not even a photoshoot that will give any of them any money. It won’t be in any magazine either, it’s just so people can see Youngjae in action, but Irene seems so dedicated to it. “How would you know if I’m good? You can’t know that.”

“I just know, now stop bothering me and go eat something.” 

There’s a table full of food, it’s for everybody staff and models, Youngjae hasn’t seen many models touching the food though he doesn’t feel like eating it either. He just uses the time to call Jaebeom, his boyfriend picks up pretty quick. 

“I was thinking about you, just now,” Jaebeom says Youngjae knows he is smiling on the other side. 

“You always are. Are you at home?” Again the good weird feeling, he will ask it if only to feel the words leaving his mouth. 

“Yeah, are you coming back any time soon?” Youngjae explains to him that even if he was he is two hours away and anyway he still hasn’t made his photos yet, he’s been waiting since he got here. 

“I just got to call now since it’s my lunch break,” 

“Youngjae, it’s almost five, you still didn’t eat anything?” Jaebeom sounds worried and that’s something Youngjae hates to hear in his voice, so he lies. 

“Huh, I did I had a sandwich just before I called you, I have to go now. I will see you soon, alright?” 

“Yeah, love you too, smartass.” Jaebeom hangs up on him, Youngjae doesn’t even mind it, he just smiles going back to Irene. It will get dark soon, and it’s getting even colder, she gives him a blanket but it seems to be the only one she has so he lets her have it, it’s not like he isn’t used to being cold anyway. 

“You are next, remember you’re the best one here and that you can crush them all,” Irene says smiling up at him. Youngjae smiles back even though he is a bit scared of her, he can’t crush anyone. He also never did it in front of so many people, right when he’s getting ready it starts raining. All the staff stars running to protect the equipment, “Goddamnit, not now!”

The photographers seem angrier than anything else, they are all under a tent Youngjae and Irene with them, one of them is saying how the day is ruined and Youngjae just can’t have it. He can’t imagine having to come here another day just to wait all day long again, he turns to Irene “I can pull it off even under the rain,” 

He didn’t say it too loud but she was not the only one to hear him, some photographers obviously heard him. A woman looked him up and down turning her face slightly, “you can really do it? You don’t mind the cold or the mud?”

“I’m alright with it,” he can’t really say that he is used to it, the woman just smiles as if he is a naive dumb kid. 

“This is your shot, you want it so bad that you won’t even think it through? I mean photos under the rain can be very tricky, your makeup will be ruined, so will your hair...” 

“He can do it,” Irene says with a smile in her face and then starts to get Youngjae ready as well as the things he will need. She then whispers to him “you’re crazy, you better be the best bastard here, or I’m killing you on our way back!”

The woman is the one that will photograph him, a bunch of people gathers around to watch him at least under the tents so they don’t get wet. Youngjae thought he would hate it and he kind does but he thinks why he is doing this. He wants that damn contract Jaebeom made to be destroyed, he wants to free them, he wants to win this. 

Youngjae looks at the camera as if he owns the thing as if he owns the entire place, he doesn’t ignore the rain as he thought of doing at first he uses it in his favor. He didn’t know he could play sexy but he guesses he can, he is shaking from the cold, his chin trembling but he just ignores it, the suit is glued to his body and everything seems to be too much. The lights are too much, there are bolts of lightning going off non-stop but he had to learn to not be scared of them a long time ago, he’s hungry and cold but he is doing it. 

He doesn’t know how long it takes but then he hears ‘that’s a wrap’ and there are people helping him out of the rain, evolving him with towels. A lot of people congratulate him but it all go deaf on his ears, he knows his makeup is ruined and he isn’t sure if he did well, Irene pats his shoulder and that seems to be enough for him. “Can we go now?”

He is back on his ugly but comfy clothes and they drive back to the city, this time Irene lets him sleep when they get to his building she congratulate him as well, “you did very well, I’m happy Allison gave me someone so good to work with,”

“Thank you,” he feels his face warming up.

“You already have a photoshoot scheduled, and there are some brands that want you to wear their clothes,” 

“Are you for real right now?” She can’t be for real he didn’t do much, he took some pics in the rain and that was it. 

“You see that’s what happens when you work hard, now go sleep, I’ll pick you up at the same time tomorrow.” 

Youngjae can complain all he wants but it doesn’t work Irene says they have a lot to do, Youngjae has a lot to learn, and they are going to do it so just enjoy his free time to _sleep._

He finds Jaebeom lying on the couch watching some kind of TV show, Youngjae doesn’t even think about it twice he just runs to him laying over his boyfriend. He probably smells and needs a shower, he will kill Jaebeom if he comments on that, “I missed you.”

And that’s something way nicer to hear, Youngjae kisses him, forgetting about the day he had, letting their lips play for a bit, “I missed you too. Just the thought that you were here without me was killing me.” 

They cuddle for a bit, Jaebeom explained to him that he’ll only be able to go back to work when the bruises fade completely, they are still there but they won’t be in the next two days or so. Youngjae hates it, he kisses over them, kisses Jaebeom’s entire face before going to the shower, feeling sorry for Jaebeom that has to smell him. 

When he is done he notices that the little things he has all on his side of the wardrobe, for some reason that he can’t name he feels like he will start sobbing. They aren’t in his backpack anymore, for the first time in four years, they have a place to be and it isn’t all packed up. Jaebeom had fixed everything for him. He called Jaebeom in the room, “you did all this?” 

Of course, he did, who else would have done such things? Still, Jaebeom nodded kissing him, he probably felt how emotional Youngjae felt. “It was nothing, baby, I had the entire day and it only took me an hour or so.”

Youngjae nods too kissing him, “can you get me some chocolate, and then can we have sex again?” Jaebeom agreed and told him that he didn’t have to ask for sex like that every time that he could just initiate it, Youngjae knew that he just wanted to be sure that they were on the same page. 

He wasn’t planning on having sex, he was dead tired but looking at what Jaebeom made, yes he was in love and small things like that made his heart beat way too fast. He needed the chocolate to have some energy, it all worked out good. Jaebeom said he loved how Youngjae smelled like after the shower, like fruits. 

Every compliment would make Youngjae feel the most beautiful and appreciated man on Earth and Jaebeom seemed to sense it, they didn’t sleep as late as they did last night. Still, Youngjae could feel Jaebeom kissing his spine while he fell asleep, he was content. 

The next morning went like the previous one, this time it wasn’t like a photoshoot they had before, Youngjae had classes with real professionals, and they were like real classes. Irene looked proud of him all the time even if he couldn’t be more out of place. Youngjae had to learn everything, it was literally everything, even if people said he was natural and already good there were things that would come just with experience or with someone else’s tips. 

He even had classes of how to eat, of how to look at people and of how to talk to someone important, Youngjae thought it was madness and that he told Irene. “I also think that, but you need it, child.” 

Joy was bugging him, they haven’t hung out in forever, Youngjae thought it would be weird to tell her over the phone that he was modeling now but how else would he do it? He didn’t have much time, he asked Irene to send him some pics of him in action and she did he send them all to Joy that called him in the same second. 

“What is that?” She is yelling on his ear, Irene can hear her he is sure of it. 

“My new job? Huh, I’ve been meaning to meet you up to tell you but--” 

“Oh my God, Choi Youngjae, you are a model now? God, this is so much better than frying potatoes all day long, I’m so envious! Tell me everything, how is it? Do you get to keep the clothes? That would be good, and are you making much money? That also a good part,” she laughs his favorite laugh from her. 

Irene doesn’t seem pleased, “hum, I just got into it, Joy, I’m not making much of anything yet. Anyways I will tell everything later, I will invite you over.”

“For real? I’ll get to meet your place?”

Youngjae knows that that’s something she has always wanted but it’s not like he had a place to show her before, he feels kind of warm and full of love for Jaebeom. “Yeah, I gotta go now.”

They are sitting in a French restaurant, both of them only eating a salad, Youngjae isn’t really eating but Irene doesn’t ever bother him with that. She takes some photos of him with her phone as if it’s nothing, he’s getting kinda used to it by now, “your friend is loud.”

“I know,” Youngjae says smiling. 

Irene just shakes her head while she takes more of her candids, she asks for some poses that Youngjae knows exactly how to make now. “We gonna make you an Instagram account, you and I both will have the password of it. Make sure to make it personal so people won’t get the vibe that it’s only for selling stuff, but not too personal that we will have a scandal.”

Youngjae doesn’t see a reason for him to have any social account but he nods anyway nor he thinks he would post something that would cause a scandal. Irene explains to him how the app functions and also tells him that he shouldn’t follow many people, just his close friends and the brands they will work with. 

“Oh, plus don’t be nice to people,”

“What?” Is he supposed to be rude now?

“Susan said you were cold but you aren’t, you warm and you are too good to people, they already created a persona to you though. Just don’t reply to every fan that interacts with you, don’t go saying nice things, try to come out as cold as you can.”

Youngjae nods, that won’t be hard, he is closed off so not being warm to strangers can be pretty easy to him. It’s just funny that Irene thinks that he will have fans, he did nothing to have fans what would he have fans for?

As soon as they make his account people start following him, Youngjae wonders how do they know and Irene explains that the agency posted about it on their social media. “Oh, I see.” It’s a lot of people, more than 6k in less than ten minutes, then Youngjae doesn’t want to look at it anymore, he didn’t even post anything. 

They need to go shopping, that’s awful because Irene says Youngjae doesn’t have a style and that she has to do all the work so he just sits and wears whatever she tells him too. Which just seems to make her angrier. They buy stuff Youngjae swears he won’t ever wear but Irene doesn’t hear him, she says anything is better than the stuff he has. 

“Let’s go,” she says when they get to his building, Youngjae stares at her not understanding what she means. “Oh, you didn’t think you would be the one fixing your closet, did you?”

“So, you’re going up with me?” She makes a face like ‘yeah, idiot’ and they just leave the car together. It’s not as late as Youngjae usually gets home but surprisingly Jaebeom is already home, he is at the kitchen when they enter the apartment and makes a funny face when he sees Irene and Youngjae entering the place. 

“Hey, love, this is Irene the little witch that works with me.” She looks ready to kill Youngjae when he says that, he just needed to say that, just once, “and Irene this is Jaebeom my beautiful amazing boyfriend.”

“Nice to meet you,” Jaebeom says walking to them, Youngjae feels like he wants to kiss him but it’s too embarrassed by the woman in the room. Cute. 

“Yeah, same. You two, come help me, where is the bedroom?” Jaebeom looks startled by the words but Youngjae just laughs they go to the couple’s room, the small woman looks disgusted by their mess. “What is your side?”

Youngjae points to the left side and she opens the doors throwing everything to the floor, “hey, Irene! What the fuck? Jaebeom hung everything for me!” 

“So? Do you think you are keeping any of this? Sorry about your hard work, but I’m never seeing you in these ugly clothes again,” Youngjae and Jaebeom seem ready to fight her, it seems dumb for anyone but it was special for them the way Jaebeom had just fixed everything for Youngjae with so much care. 

Jaebeom went back to the kitchen since he was making dinner, Youngjae wanted to leave the room too but he didn’t have an excuse. They worked for hours, it was a lot of clothes and shoes, accessories too, Youngjae didn’t even know if he knew how to use them together. 

“When I call you and tell you to wear some of these I want you to know exactly what I’m talking about. And please don’t post on your account if you’re not wearing some of the stuff we bought.” 

Youngjae nods to everything already tired of pouting at her, nothing works on her anyways. She says she will donate his clothes and that she will be on her way. Jaebeom invites her over for dinner but she declines, leaving them and now it’s late like always. “Are you mad she did that?”

“What? The wardrobe thing? Of course not, I didn’t expect you to keep wearing those stuff being a model.” Jaebeom says honestly. 

“Hey,” Youngjae slaps his hand, he is playing with his food, he knows Jaebeom made it thinking about him, for them to eat together but his stomach is aching so much today. He cuts the food in a million sizes. “I really like you, you know?”

Jaebeom looks at him and smiles shyly, “yes, I guess I know but why are you saying this out of nowhere?”

“It just brings me so much joy when I enter this place and I see your face. Being in love is truly amazing,” Jaebeom blushes hiding his face under his tiny hands, Youngjae wants to bite them. 

“Don’t say stuff like that, I feel like you just say those things to make me embarrassed,”

Youngjae shrugs while he cleans the kitchen and they can get ready to bed, he has to see Irene tomorrow as well but it will be after lunch so he will enjoy his entire morning with Jaebeom he is kind in a good mood for that. 

They strip to bed, Jaebeom completely naked while Youngjae keeps his underwear on, “won’t my boy ask for sex tonight?”

Youngjae laughs but slaps him for good measure, “no, we have tomorrow morning, I want to sleep.” 

“Good, me too,” 

“You know you can tell me ‘no’ when you’re tired or when you don’t want it, right?” Jaebeom doesn’t say anything just nods his head on Youngjae’s neck. “Hey, I’m serious.”

“Yes, I know it. Happy?”

“That’s better.” The idea of Jaebeom accepting everything Youngjae wants from him, mainly sex just ‘cause he can’t say ‘no’ to him doesn’t sit right with him at all and it kind of scares Youngjae a little. 

He kisses the top of Jaebeom’s head for a bit, sleeping coming fast for him, “I like you too, a lot.” Jaebeom tells him and Youngjae doesn’t have to say that he also knows it. But he also does. 

He spends more time with Irene in the next few days than with anyone else, he also texts Joy a lot, he posts on his Instagram account once but doesn’t check the comments section. The most impressive thing is how affectionate he already is of Irene, he can’t tell if she also likes him the same way but he feels like she is a mom. Of course, she is too young to be his mother but the way she takes care of him even if in a crude way, Youngjae is happy they were signed together.

They are at one of the studios of the agency together, she is picking clothes that for some reason he has to take home with him. “This is the brand you will do the photoshoot for,”

“Oh,” Youngjae hasn’t exactly forgotten about it, but he was a little scared to ask and it all would turn out to be a joke from Irene, not that she would ever do that. 

“Aren’t you curious? Anyway, you will be the face of the brand for this magazine they are working with. It’s a big deal, rookies like you never get to do that, you will be in like seven pages. And of course, it will be on their websites too, both magazine and brand. The contract is signed with the agency since you don’t get to choose this stuff, but it’s a big deal, you know, right? Like this brand, it’s well known and all. We will be flying to NYC tomorrow.” 

It’s so much information Youngjae almost laughs, he will be the face of a brand even if just for this shooting? And all because of that photoshoot that wasn’t really a photoshoot in the rain? And they will go to New York to take the photos? He is tired of always reacting with an ‘are you serious?’ So he just looks at her “couldn’t you have told me that before?”

“Yes, I could but you would just be nervous and that would be a problem for me. Now you only have a day to be nervous, now remember to take some pics wearing their stuff, and always tag the brand. Make it look casual,”

“Always,” Youngjae mocked as if people didn’t know it wasn’t casual and he was being paid to do that. 

“Have you ever been to New York?” She asks nicely enough, Youngjae just shakes his head, he has never taken a plane either but he won’t tell her that. “You will like it there, even if we won’t have much time, at least we will have some pizza. Talking about that I know you don’t eat much but try to keep it that way at least before the photoshoot to keep a flat stomach, after it, I promise to pay for your pizza.”

She sounds regretful but she is doing her work, Youngjae doesn’t mind it, “it’s alright.”

What he really minds it’s when he gets home and there’s no Jaebeom, he knows when Jaebeom has to work, he thought Jaebeom would work a lot with this new contract of his but instead of it being a lot it’s more like him disappearing some times. Not just at night like before but spending the entire day and night out and sometimes Youngjae will just feel so deprived of his boyfriend he feels like crying. 

He is sad and anxious, he feels an intense urge to eat everything in the residence but instead, he just closes his eyes making sure he can feel his nails hurting him at the palm of his hands, the pain distracting him. He goes to bed without taking off his clothes, he doesn’t know if Jaebeom will be back tonight, so he just texts him telling him about his short trip tomorrow. 

The not knowing kinda kills him but he stops his tears, he can’t act like that, he needs to be a man, not a little kid that cries over everything. Youngjae is fast asleep but he still feels the warm body smelling like soap body laying over his one in a way that it’s more than familiar to him now. He smiles into the pillow. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cried while i was reviewing this :) in the only sad part i guess it's bc im a cancer :)  
> anyways pls take care stay safe im really worried these days just take care of yourselves  
> I'll be back soon now after im done with my exams for sure


	8. your body on top of mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from zayn's "she don't love me" bc the song really helped me writing this chapter, i was having a hard time before i decided to listen to it.... i really can't write if i don't listen to the right song  
> pls enjoy as much as u can :)

“Baby, wake up,” Youngjae opened his eyes startled at the sudden contact of Jaebeom’s lips on his and at his boyfriend soft voice. He had no idea what was going on but then he remembered the trip and how he was supposed to wake up very early today. Youngjae almost jumps on the bed looking for his phone so he can check the time. “Hey, chill, you’re not late.”

“I’m not?” Youngjae almost fell out of the bed when he finally found his phone, “of course, I am. Oh my God, Jaebeom, why didn’t my alarm go off? I still have to pack and--”

“No, I turned off the alarm so you could sleep a little more, I already packed for you. There,” Jaebeom points at the handbag resting at the bottom of the bed. It wasn’t a big bag since Irene told him he didn’t need to bring much stuff just the essential. Youngjae feels relieved but still dark outside, he doesn’t know why Jaebeom would wake up so early just to do that. 

“That’s very sweet of you but you shouldn’t have, why aren’t you sleeping?” Youngjae pouts the way he knows Jaebeom likes, for some reason that he can’t tell why but he just enjoys it. His boyfriend kisses him quickly, just a chaste kiss and a tiny smile. 

“I wanted you to be well-rested even though I think twenty more minutes won’t do it… anyways, yes I should have, I have a lot to make up to.” 

Youngjae has no idea what he is talking about, he waits for an explanation but that’s all Jaebeom says. He truly hates the weird way Jaebeom communicates, “but you don’t have anything to make up to? What are you talking about?”

“You have to get ready, don’t you? Go get ready before your boss barges in here.” Youngjae rolls his eyes up at him as if he doesn’t know that Jaebeom is only trying to change subjects. Evasive as always. 

He nods and gets out of the bed slowly, “I hate it when you act like that, all self depreciative and shit. Just so you know,” he is looking for comfortable clothes, he should be comfortable on a plane, right? That’s what he thinks at least. “By the way, she is not my boss, we work together… she just likes to order me around.” 

“Sure,” Jaebeom kisses the top of his head while he heads to the kitchen, Youngjae needs to talk a lot to convince him that he doesn’t want breakfast since it’s still dark and he can’t eat when he just woke up. Jaebeom just lets it go because Youngjae promises he will eat something when he gets to the airport. 

He dresses up, nothing is that comfortable in this new wardrobe he has plus he hasn’t worn everything yet so he doesn’t know what is not that bad. After he is dressed he puts on one of Jaebeom’s hoodie that is resting on the couch, it’s one of his favorites Youngjae knows that much because Jaebeom is always wearing it. It has nothing special to it, it’s just a black worn-out hoodie, but it smells just like Jaebeom and it feels nice against his skin. 

The older boy’s eyes light up when he sees Youngjae dresses on it but then he laughs lightly, “I don’t think your boss will like seeing you on it. Not at all,”

“It’s just a hoodie, I want to wear it, and it’s none of _not-my-boss_ Irene,” Youngjae says confidently even though he also knows she will hate it. He feels good enough now, at least something is familiar. 

“I wish I could at least send you off at the airport,” Jaebeom says when Youngjae informs him that Irene is about to get to their place. He can understand it since if it was the other way around he would also want to go with Jaebeom, at least to say goodbye, but it’s just not practical and they talked about it already. 

“Yeah, I know but I’d rather you stay here and catch up on some sleep, I also have to make it up to you,” Youngjae says in overly sweet voice only to annoy Jaebeom, it doesn’t work as much as his boyfriend gets embarrassed when Youngjae is too affectionate with him he never gets really annoyed by it. They make out for a few minutes before Irene is calling him to let him know that she is already waiting for him in front of the building. Jaebeom tells him he loves him at least ten times while he kisses Youngjae’s lips, he doesn’t want to think about how cute it is. 

It’s just when Youngjae enters the car that waits for him that he really has time to think about what is going on. He is going to another state to take photos for a magazine, what in the hell. He is a ball of anxiety bouncing his legs non-stop all the way to the airport, he doesn’t talk much to Irene, is not like she is all that talkative either so at least he can take the time to think. 

The thing is that it all seems surreal, Youngjae is waiting for someone to tell him that this is all a prank and that he should go back home but no, nothing comes. Almost an hour later they get to the airport and Youngjae needs to thank God, he was about to throw up, as soon as Irene finds a toilet for him it’s the first thing he is doing. 

There’s nothing for him to throw up, not really, yet Youngjae can feel the acid burning his throat and his esophagus. It hurts more than he is used to, he can feel the tears rolling down his face, this is stupid he has to tell himself to just get it together. He can do it, he should just be grateful he was given a chance, he knows too many people that had no chance in life at all. 

He washes his face and mouth, a man looks at him not too discretely and he looks disgusted, Youngjae couldn’t care less. When he finds Irene again the woman seems distressed, “are you alright? What happened?”

“I’m fine, don’t worry,” she isn’t convinced, obviously she isn’t but she doesn’t press Youngjae much. All she does is get him a bottle of water when they head to the VIP area, it’s ridiculous how effortless rich these people look. They look rich just standing there. 

He eyes everyone trying to be as discreet as possible but he is pretty sure he fails, soon they stop being interesting for him. Youngjae has more trouble dowing the bottle of water in his hand, he just feels too dizzy and it’s like he has been punched on the stomach a thousand times. 

Suddenly a shrill voice startles him, he looks at Irene surprised at the noise such tiny person is capable of doing. “What in the world is this ugly hoodie doing on your body? Didn’t I take all your ugly things with me?” 

At that Youngjae almost smiles she reacts like that over a hoodie, “see you forgot I live with another man,” the boy wiggles his eyebrows at her but the woman doesn’t get amused at all. “It’s not that big of a deal, all the other pieces are sill your brand expensive stuff, yeah? I don’t think a hoodie will ruin my career,”

“Of course, you don’t. Don’t do this again, now I have to walk around with you looking like that,” Youngjae thinks how easy it is to annoy her while he can’t annoy Jaebeom at all, at least not this easily. 

It takes them another hour to enter the plane, Youngjae distracts himself sniffing at Jaebeom’s hoodie, it’s so effective on calming him down. He imagined it would be soothing but he didn’t expect it to be this good. He feels proud of himself for the idea, it helps him to calm down, to breathe properly and it annoys Irene it couldn’t be better. 

The plane is spacious, Youngjae is pretty sure this is not like they look like in the movies, it’s not three sits glued to each other. Instead, there are just two seats on each side of the row and they look like fancy armchairs, he tries not to look like an impressed child but he isn’t sure if it works. Everything is too much, he wants to run away but it’s not like this is really a possibility right now. He puts his earphones on to listen to some music, he guesses this is the reason why he doesn’t feel so uncomfortable when the thing finally takes off. 

All he feels is a weird sensation on his stomach and legs, but nothing else, he thought his ears were supposed to be weird somehow too but nothing happened. Contrary to what he expected Youngjae didn’t feel scared at all looking at the clouds and how small everything was when he looked down at them. He took some photos that he would send Jaebeom and Joy later. 

Irene sleeps soundly by his side, and even though she didn’t say he shouldn’t sleep he isn’t able to. Sure the scent of his boyfriend on the hoodie has helped him but still, Youngjae knows he wasn’t feeling that well, his whole body ached, his bones were aching and he didn’t know how to fix it. All he could do was look at the clouds, it was nice enough, he didn’t know he would like it so much to just look at big clouds that looked like cotton candy. 

After two hours or so they finally landed, Youngjae enjoyed the flight just fine but he was too nervous to stay still he couldn’t wait to just put his body to do something. It wasn’t what happened, of course, it wasn’t, there was another black car waiting for them but soon Youngjae realized that the traffic was terrible. Not as if he wasn’t used to heavy traffic but this was ridiculous it was like they haven’t moved at all in the past minutes. 

Irene sent him his schedule for the two days they would stay here, Youngjae almost choked in nothing when he looked at it. “What is this ‘get piercings’ thing? Are you for real, Irene?” 

It’s the first time he sees her smiling today, she looks like a mischievous kid. “Oh, I didn’t mention it? We getting some holes in that beautiful ear of yours,” 

“I don’t think we are, no,” he shakes his head, Youngjae hates even thinking about it, not the thought of how it will look he isn’t against piercings at all but he doesn’t want to feel the pain. These things take ages to heal he knows that, “I can use fake ones if that’s the case.”

“You’re not putting anything fake on your body, I’m sorry, kid,” but she doesn’t look sorry at all. They head straight to a piercing parlor, apparently, it belongs to one of Irene’s friends and she is doing them a favor since she doesn’t open up that early. 

It’s hell, he wants to scream when the needle goes through his earlobe the first time, it’s not that it hurts that bad but he wants to make Irene feel bad. Except that she won’t ever feel bad because he is in pain, so instead, he pretends to not feel anything, he gets three holes on his right earlobe. He thought he would get some on his cartilage or in someplace as painful but it doesn’t happen, Youngae is grateful for that. 

As much as it doesn’t hurt that bad his ear keeps on burning, there are heavy earrings hanging on it now. The piercing artist explained to him how to take care of the holes ‘till they healed, he wasn’t supposed to take them off at all in the next two months plus keep them clean, he had no idea how he would survive with them not when they were that heavy. Irene made sure to tell him that they were diamonds so he would better take good care of them as if he had asked for it in the first place. 

The next stop was at a beauty clinic, it also belongs to one of Irene’s friend, Youngjae was curious how someone so introverted and annoying had this many friends. All they did there was take care of their skins, Irene also participated in this activity, she was truly enjoying herself. Youngjae didn’t mind, they put things on his face that even if they explained to him what they were and what they would do he didn’t understand a thing so he just trusted Irene to know. 

Sure thing he looked better after it was all done, he didn’t think one would be able to notice such changes in a small space of time but his face was glowing, and so was Irene’s. They looked pretty good, Youngjae took a pic of half of his face focusing on his cheek to send Jaebeom. After it, they only had to go shopping before going to the hotel, of course, they would shop. Irene got him clothes and surprisingly a few pieces for herself as well, they also bought rings, earrings and Irene wanted to buy a bunch of watches but Youngjae just couldn’t stand the weight of them on his wrist.

“Can I not be a watch person? I don’t feel comfortable with them,” just looking at the things in front of him made the boy feel sick at his stomach. All he could think about was Bambam’s expensive watch on his backpack and how it ended someone else’s life. 

Irene nodded, she didn’t seem bothered by it for the first time, “you are a weird one, people use watches as a way of showing off their money and you don’t even want to have them.”

Yeah, Youngjae could see that he could see Bambam using all kinds of watches, big ones, just to show off. That was not what he wanted so he just assured Irene that he would do everything else so she didn’t say anything else. After they were done they went to a restaurant, but Youngjae didn’t eat anything he kept on texting Jaebeom that sent him a video of his class. 

He was dancing and explained that one of his classmates recorded it for him, Youngjae felt really proud Jaebeom was really good at it and he didn’t ever see it himself, Jaebeom promised to show him later. Youngjae couldn’t help smiling down at the phone, Irene eyed him funnily. 

“Is that your boyfriend?” She asked.

“Yeah?” He locks his phone not wanting her to see more than necessary. She only nods her head taking another bite of her filet, “why?”

“Nothing, it’s just I didn’t know he was a dancer, and definitely not at this place it’s all.” Youngjae doesn’t know why it would surprise her, she doesn’t know Jaebeom that well to know what he does and why would she care, anyway. 

It bugs Youngjae though, “what is important about this company?”

“Youngjae, this is one of the most prestigious companies in the country. Do you have any idea how expensive it is? He probably has a scholarship, I suppose,” she is not that interested, at least she doesn’t seem to be. But now Youngjae is, he googles the company and sure enough, it’s a prestigious one, it must be expensive indeed. 

He feels himself getting cold for some reason, “how even?” He mumbles to himself but Irene catches it. 

“You didn’t know he was going to such a good place? Didn’t he brag about getting a scholarship? Or is he paying for it, I mean I shouldn’t assume but if he is then he is probably rich or crazy.” She is lost in thoughts and so is Youngjae, how is Jaebeom even paying for that?

He isn’t rich and no he doesn’t have a scholarship, he said he would be able to pay for it now so he is definitely paying, but how? Youngjae doesn’t what to believe this is all coming from his new contract, ‘cause if it is he must be working a lot, Youngjae knows he is but the things he must be doing… it bugs the boy until they get to the hotel, he doesn’t text Jaebeom anymore. 

Youngjae tries to distract his mind, he shouldn’t be worried about other things right before his photoshoot, at the very least Youngjae has to be professional and do a good job. He would have to wait to talk Jaebeom when he gets home, plus he was so excited about the classes Youngjae doesn’t want to ruin it in any way. It’s hard to think about anything else though, as much as he is nervous about the shooting he is also worried about Jaebeom.

Everything is messing up his head, all he can do is look at the window next to the big bed he is sitting on. It doesn’t help much but it’s comforting enough, to just look down, to be here away from the world. He feels like he is only a watcher as if he isn’t part of it all, the hotel room is enormous, he and Irene are sharing it and it’s all so fancy it really doesn’t feel as if he belongs here, or anywhere for the matter. All he is now is an outsider, the feelings are eating Youngjae alive, it’s all too much, too confusing. 

“We should leave in about thirty minutes, get ready and eat this,” Youngjae didn’t even notice Irene getting close to him, she throws an energy bar at him, it lays next to him in the bed. The boy looks at it feeling nothing but a pang in his stomach, nothing else. “I told you to eat it,”

Youngjae rolls his eyes not looking at her, he doesn’t know why it is that important that he eats the bar, he isn’t hungry. “Don’t feel like it, if you care so much eat it yourself.” It sounds worse than he planned it to which is also effective in making Irene mad, not that he was going for it this time. 

“You didn’t eat anything at all today, you don’t even try to hide it from me.” She laughs a bitter laugh, Youngjae doesn’t know what is this supposed to mean, “what do you expect me to do, to just watch you starve yourself and turn a blind eye on it?”

“Isn’t it like your job?” He fires back looking right at her eyes, of course, she knows he referring back at two days ago when she told him to eat lightly, she didn’t say he shouldn’t eat anything but Youngjae doesn’t care. It gets Irene to drop the subject, her face is impossible to read but he knows he overstepped. 

They don’t talk anymore not until they have to leave but all she says is ‘let’s go’, then they leave not looking at each other. Sure neither of them is in a good mood but as soon as they get in the set both have to work with each other and others that are counting on them. So they just pretend, it isn’t that bad, to get ready and to be introduced to the people that will work with them.

Honestly, Youngjae would like to keep on doing that forever if only he didn’t have to take the photos. When everything is ready Irene puts him aside, “just remember you earned this, alright? You have no reason to feel like you’re not good enough for this job, you are more than enough. Just enjoy yourself while you are it, this is the best way for you to do good, to be happy with what you do.”

He nods down at the woman, he can’t really smile right now but he feels terribly grateful towards her. Youngjae is the worst at showing it but he will try to be a better colleague in the future, Irene deserves as much. Enjoy himself, those are the words playing in his mind, of course, he is nervous and at first all he can do is what the photographer asks for him to do. 

When Youngjae looks at Irene he remembers all the lectures she took him too, everything she did so he would be here. He should do it well for both of them, so he tries to think of the best tips he got in the past weeks. Soon Youngjae is feeling more comfortable with himself, playing with the camera and all the poses he tried in front of the mirror, the photographer likes it, he is yelling and jumping getting the camera right in Youngjae’s face telling him to keep going. 

The boy is pretty sure the man is high but he doesn’t really care if he likes what Youngjae is doing that’s good for him. They work for more than five hours, a lot of clothes changing and even different hairstyles and makeup looks, Youngjae takes some photos just for the sake of it, to have them himself. When they are finally done Youngjae is almost falling to the ground, too tired to keep his body straight. 

The sun is rising when they finally get to the car, his whole body aching more than before but there’s a weird sensation inside his chest. The weird feeling of accomplishment he thinks, Youngjae has never felt it in his entire life, turns out it’s a pretty great feeling he would like to feel like that more times. 

Youngjae takes a shower when they get to their room only to find Irene already asleep at her bed when he leaves the bathroom, the room is pretty dark because of the curtains, the boy thinks he will be able to sleep like a baby. The only problem is that sleep never comes to him, he rolls on the bed for hours he thinks, but he has a migraine, his body is aching and so is his stomach. It’s impossible to fall asleep, it’s like something is missing anyway, so he gives up on it completely and just watches Irene as she sleeps. 

It’s pathetic how jealous Youngjae is of her just because she can fall asleep easily, he then stops looking at her telling himself that this is too creepy and she would be weirded out if she woke up to see him staring at her. Youngjae waits ‘till his manager wakes up, which only happens five hours later, so they can do something. 

They go to a pizzeria, Youngjae remembers the first time he was out with Jaebeom and they ate pizza together, it wasn’t that pleasant at the end but he likes the memory. The pizza though doesn’t taste anything like the one they had, this one is much tastier and that must be the reason why Irene eats so much, he never saw her eating this much. 

Youngjae doesn’t eat a lot himself, he is only there because he couldn’t stand being in that hotel bed any longer, also he kinda feels like he should do it for Irene. Even if he doesn’t eat that much Youngjae can feel the pain leaving his body way too fast, it’s like he took the best medication in the world. He is shocked by it, not believing the pain was all because he didn’t eat anything for too long.

The migraine doesn’t go away but he is happy enough that his arms and legs aren’t in pain anymore. They go straight to the hotel after all the food, Irene feels like going out to see the city but Youngjae, as the joy kill that he is being, only wants to rest. He is naive enough to believe he would be able to sleep, of course, again he can’t even nap, this is getting ridiculous he hasn’t slept at all since they got in here this shouldn’t be possible.

Youngjae hates every second he has to spend here, he should have heard Irene and enjoyed better his time here. Now all he can do is download some games on his phone and play all night long, he gets hooked in a specific RPG game and can’t even feel the hours passing. 

Irene scolds him in the morning for not sleeping, saying he looks awful and has terrible dark circles, not as if he could do anything about it. They leave the hotel right after they get breakfast, it’s not that hard for Youngjae to eat half the sandwich he gets, he doesn’t even feel bad about it. The flight back home is relaxing, as much as he is anxious to go back home and see Jaebeom he is just so happy that he did everything he had to do, he isn’t in a bad place as he was when they were going to New York. 

So he enjoys the flight better, finding out that he really likes being in a plane looking out at the window for as long as he can. Irene tells him that Matthew, the crazy photographer, really liked him and will probably ask to work with him again. Youngjae can’t believe her words, the man would just ask to work with him like that? It just sounds crazy still, Youngjae smiles brightly after hearing that, a person liked working with him that probably means he is doing something right. 

He knows he isn’t the most out-going person, but he is getting something here, something he doesn’t even know if he deserves, probably not. But Youngjae is just so grateful the universe is giving him the chance of doing something with his life, he thinks he is where he should be. He has done a lot of things he regrets, a lot of times he wished he could go back in time, but if they brought him to Jaebeom, to a job where he doesn’t have to hurt anyone he is more than happy right now. 

Youngjae thinks he will be dropped at home when they get back but it isn’t what happens, “we’re getting you your passport now,” Irene explains to him as if he should know, maybe it is on the schedule she sent him he didn’t really read it all trusting her to take him where he was supposed to be. 

It’s just tiresome to have to go do it now, he is too tired and he just wants to lay on his own bed. Of course, Irene is tired as well but not as much as he is since she at least got to sleep, a lot in Youngjae’s opinion. “Why do I need to get one, anyway?” 

“Really? What do you think is it for?” Probably to be able to leave the country but he isn’t ready for that, well not that it is something that he has to be ready for but he has a feeling that he just isn’t. It doesn’t take that long for them to make the application, Irene does everything for him all he needs to do is sign some papers and take a photo. 

“Thank you and sorry… I know I can be too much at times,” he doesn’t address exactly what he is sorry for but he is pretty sure she knows it, he is lucky enough she only nods not saying anything. “Now I’ll go to sleep, have a good day, Irene.” She points at the bags full of clothes and accessories they got, Youngjae doesn’t realize what she means ‘till he remembers how it went the last time. “No, you do it another day. I won’t even touch it promise, just let me go to bed.”

“Alright, just because you worked hard. I’ll come over to fix it later, though. Try to get some rest,” she tells him before taking off to her own place. Youngjae is excited to get home but as soon as he is reminded that Jaebeom isn’t there, all his excitement disappears. 

The apartment is neat, Jaebeom always keeps it that way, or maybe he hasn’t spent much time here. Youngjae doesn’t want to think about it that way, he takes a long hot bath almost falling asleep on it, before he can get fully dressed he goes to Jaebeom’s wardrobe side looking for a shirt to help him fall asleep. 

Jaebeom’s shirts are oversized as they are but in Youngjae’s body they are even larger, he is looking for something specific, “what are those?” Jaebeom’s comfy clothes are still there but the ones he would wear to work aren’t, instead there are new pieces these ones are still sexy but not overly so. They are meant to fancy places, Youngjae can tell that, and they are probably expensive as well since the fabrics are really good. 

Those are probably his new working clothes which makes no sense to Youngjae, why would he need to dress in a fancier way? His new contract Youngjae reminds himself feeling sick again, he has just so much to talk with Jaebeom he wishes the boy would get home already. To his surprise, he doesn’t overthink it like he thought he would, not long after he goes to bed Youngjae feels his eyes getting heavy. Jaebeom’s scent invading his brain, he can’t think about anything at all, it’s just so easy for him to fall asleep now that he is on his own bed. It would be easier if Jaebeom was here lying with him but he doesn’t have trouble falling asleep, Youngjae can’t wait to see him already. 

He wakes up three hours later, it’s not a lot of sleep definitely not enough to rest his body or mind but he can’t stay in bed for longer. Youngjae watches some TV, his migraine isn’t as bad as before but it didn’t fade away completely still. He plays the game he downloaded the other day until it gets boring so he checks his bank app, Youngjae has never seen this amount of money there he thinks it’s a mistake but Irene told him he would get a payment for the photoshoot he didn’t think it would be that much. Having all this money was ridiculous. 

Youngjae should put this money to good use, Jaebeom is sacrificing himself while he isn’t doing much for them as a couple. The boy goes down to the entrance where the doorman is still working, “good night, so I… you know, can you give me the phone of the landlord.” The man doesn’t say anything just stares back at Youngjae, “I live at apartment number 303.” 

“Don’t you live with him?” Now is Youngjae turn to stare back, what does he mean by lives with him? 

“No? I need the landlord number, not Jaebeom’s phone, I want to talk to them about the rent,” Youngjae intends to pay for a least the next five months so Jaebeom won’t need to worry about it. 

The big man in front of him seems bored with the conversation already, all he does is show Youngjae a paper that has a bunch of numbers and names on it. Youngjae takes a good look at it and sees Jaebeom’s name and phone number in front of their apartment number, he is confused by what it means but before he can ask the man is already telling him. “No apartment can be rented at this building. You either own it or you don’t live here at all, shouldn’t you know it?”

Youngjae feels just like he did when Irene talked about the dance company Jaebeom is studying at like he should know something he doesn’t and someone is judging him for it. But this can only be a mistake, how would Jaebeom buy an apartment just like that? He wouldn’t have the money it’s just impossible, of course, the classes are different but this is another level. “Are you sure? Can’t it be a mistake?”

“I was here when the boy came to visit and the previous owner sold it to him, how can it be a mistake?” 

The boy nods and thanks him still not believing what the man said, of course, he wouldn’t lie to Youngjae for no reason but he could be mistaken. He has to be mistaken ‘cause it makes no sense, he feels a pang at the font of his head, the pain getting worse by the second. This is just one more thing he has to talk about with Jaebeom but this one is the most important one, it should be nothing if it’s only a mistake but if it isn’t Youngjae doesn’t know what he will make out of it. 

He waits for Jaebeom even though his eyes are burning, the older boy doesn’t seem to ever come back, it makes Youngjae mad it’s past two in the morning and he knew he was coming back today, why isn’t here yet? The boy doesn’t expect to fall asleep, he is so mad that he thought his nerves wouldn’t let him sleep but he does anyway. 

When he wakes up it’s late in the morning and Youngjae can’t believe Jaebeom isn’t here yet, he is ready to call him and give him a piece of his mind. He should have called but before he can do anything Youngjae finds a note hanging on the fridge.

_‘You were sleeping peacefully I didn’t want to wake you, I’ll get home earlier today. Love you.’_

So maybe Youngjae isn’t that mad, he folds the little note placing it inside his phone case, he just wishes he could talk to Jaebeom, to solve things and be able to stop thinking about it. Also, he really missed the other it was only natural to want to spend time together, he thought bitterly. At least he slept well and his head wasn’t killing him anymore, and Joy was coming over later, a part of him wanted to cancel plans with her but it would be no use to lock himself up here all alone. 

“Oh, this is so nice!” It’s the first thing she says when Youngjae opens the door for her, “this is much better than my place. Hey, what is this?” Joy all but squeezes his ear, Youngjae swears he almost cries in pain. 

“What the hell, I got it two days ago don’t go touching it like that, Joy!” She apologizes but the smile never leaves her face, following Youngjae around as he goes to the bathroom to clean his ear afraid he would get an infection. 

“Woah, you look really cool now. The model thing is real then,” 

“Did you think I was lying?” He looks himself in the mirror, he looks the same though? The earrings can’t make him look that cool so Joy was probably just mocking him. “Let me show you some pics so you can see just how real it is.” 

They check the photos Youngjae took since it all started, Joy gasps a lot, there are also photos Irene took and sent him those are the better ones and his friend is the most excited person about it all. She hypes him up like no one else, Youngjae laughs a lot at the inputs she makes happy he didn’t cancel on her, “you will be famous, like really famous, you look just like a real model. I didn’t know you had it on you,”

“Thank you, since I am a real model now it’s good that I look like one,” he mocks her. 

“That’s not what I mean, it’s just that you were so shy at first and your clothes… I could never imagine something like that,” Joy protests like a kid. Youngjae nods and tells her that Irene also hates everything he wears, she can only agree with the other woman, not that he minds it. “So, where’s your boyfriend? Aren’t you like living together?”

“He isn’t here, he has class now,” Youngjae isn’t sure if he’s having classes until now but he isn’t about to say that, he doesn’t want another person judging him for what he doesn’t know. 

They watch a bunch of romance movies Joy picks them, Youngjae likes them even if they are not his favorite genre, he kinda likes seeing people fall in love now that he can relate to it. Joy on the other hand cries because of everything, he isn’t even sure that she is enjoying it but she yells at him when he says he will just turn the TV off so she can stop crying. After the fourth movie, Youngjae can’t take it anymore he is so tired of looking at the screen he turns it off before his friend can start a new one. 

“Let’s go eat something, I’m hungry and you can treat me now that you’re rich,” 

Youngjae rolls his eyes at her, “I’m not rich but sure, where do you wanna go?” Before she can say anything they hear someone unlocking the door, Jaebeom enters the apartment looking surprised by Joy’s presence. 

“Oh, hi,” he says in a small voice. The man just looks so good standing there, it’s not like Youngjae would forget it so quick how good-looking Jaebeom is but seeing it always makes his breath catch on his throat.

Joy seems to think as well, she isn’t discreet about it at all, she pokes Youngjae ribs painfully and raises a brow at him when he looks at her. “Hi, Jaebeom, I’m Joy Youngjae’s bestie, since Youngjae seems to have forgotten his manners,” she walks up to Jaebeom offering her hand for him to shake. 

Jaebeom looks at it as if her hand would bite him, it’s uncomfortable to watch how he struggles to just shake her hand but then he finally takes it, shaking it quickly. “It’s nice to meet you. You probably don’t have much competition on being his best friend since you’re his only friend,” 

He doesn’t look nervous anymore, talking to Joy as if he has known her for as much time as Youngjae has. But the younger boy can tell just how fake it is, he has seen this seductive smile before and he hates it, he knows it only appears when Jaebeom doesn’t want to show himself as he is. 

“We were going to a restaurant, you lucky you got here in time your boyfriend is paying for everything tonight,” but Youngjae doesn’t want to go anywhere anymore, he wants to run to Jaebeom and hug him, kiss him and forget about stupid restaurants. So he almost doesn’t catch it when Jaebeom tenses up looking at Youngjae as if asking for rescue. 

“I-- I should take a shower first, since I was out and--” 

But he can’t even finish his sentence, “No, you don’t have to you look so good as it let’s just go I’m starving,” Joy is clapping her hands but Jaebeom is clearly uncomfortable, at least it is clear to Youngjae. 

“He was dancing so he might be in need of a shower,” Youngjae tries to intervene but a thing he should know by now is that Joy always gets what she wants. She doesn’t hesitate to push both men out of the apartment, saying that they all look good and it doesn’t matter since they will only eat. 

Jaebeom doesn’t complain anymore but when Youngjae tries to hold his hand he blatantly ignores the younger boy as if it’s nothing. Youngjae missed him so much, it kinda hurts, he wants to touch to be close to Jaebeom but he knows the other doesn’t like any type of contact before he gets clean after work. He can understand that but it doesn’t mean that it hurt any less. 

They walk to a restaurant nearby, just like Joy said how they look didn’t matter they didn’t go to a fancy place, just a cozy restaurant that was half full of people. Jaebeom soon lets himself engage on Joy’s conversation, they are hitting it off, and as much as Youngjae was glad to see that he couldn’t ignore how fake Jaebeom’s smiles were, how he would look to his sides all the time to check on the other people having dinner around them. 

Youngjae tried to eat but his throat was closed off, maybe he should have been more emphatic and insisted that Jaebeom needed a shower, that’s the only possible reason why he would look so disturbed. 

Joy takes an Uber back to her place after she talked everyone’s ears off, Jaebeom and Youngjae walk home together but the older boy won’t even look at him. Youngjae feels his heart shattering, Jaebeom is mad at him, the energy he is giving off is one of anger and shame. He hates it, hates every second it takes them to get inside their apartment. When they finally do he is ready to apologize but Jaebeom tells him he needs a shower before he can even open his mouth. 

Youngjae feels defeated, regret building up inside him, he didn’t do anything at least he doesn’t think he did but it doesn’t matter if Jaebeom is upset. He lays in bed waiting for Jaebeomm the older boy takes too long in the shower, he appears in the room and then it’s like nothing has happened before, Jaebeom goes straight to Youngjae laying over him and kissing the boy. They haven’t even talked it doesn’t feel natural, Youngjae pushes him off and ending the kiss that was getting too heated too fast. 

“What are you doing?” He wants to say much more but first, he has to figure Jaebeom out. Instead of replaying the older kisses him again, Youngjae doesn’t even kiss him back so Jaebeom backs off, “I’m serious, what are doing?”

“Kissing you? I missed you, baby,” but his voice is so off, Youngjae would rather he being honest, if he is upset he should just say it. 

“I missed you too, but I don’t want to do that. I want to talk to you, I’m sorry that you had to go to the restaurant like that--” 

“Why are you sorry about that?” Jaebeom sounds genuinely clueless but it’s not like Youngjae buys it.

“I know you didn’t want to go, you were uncomfortable the whole time. It was my fault since I didn’t tell Joy to just let you be,” 

“Listen, it’s fine I don’t want to talk about it, I just want you, yeah? I missed you like crazy here, it was hell,” Youngjae supports his upper body on his elbows so he can put some distance between him and Jaebeom. He has much more to talk about, the dancing school, the new clothes, the apartment that the doorman insists that Jaebeom bought. He just needs to talk about these things already. “What’s wrong, don’t you want it?” 

Jaebeom doesn’t really care to hear his reply already kissing Youngjae’s neck, the boy snaps, “no, didn’t I just say that I don’t want to do anything but talk to you?” 

“I don’t want to talk though!” He suddenly gets up, Youngjae misses his body’s heat as soon as it leaves him. “There’s nothing to talk about, I don’t know why you acting like that, this is just fucking stupid!” 

Jaebeom snaps as well, Youngjae doesn’t even understand what is going on anymore, he didn’t say anything other that he wanted to talk yet his boyfriend is being all defensive. He leaves the room before Youngjae can ask him what is going on, he waits for the other to come back for over thirty minutes he thought Jaebeom was at the kitchen or maybe using the bathroom but when he doesn’t go back to the room Youngjae goes after him. 

The older boy is laying the couch looking at something on his phone, his face pretty closed off and Youngjae should know better than to try to speak to him right now. But he just can’t stop himself, not when Jaebeom is acting like a spoiled kid over nothing, he doesn’t want to talk about what happened, keeps saying that it’s alright but then overreacts like this. It’s just so frustrating because Youngjae really missed him and all he wanted was to feel Jaebeom’s skin, to be close to him. 

“Are you seriously going to be like that just because I’d rather talk to you than have sex?” Nothing, Jaebeom doesn’t even acknowledge him, Youngjae has to count to ten to not lose his cool. He isn’t sure if it works, “for real, Jaebeom! I don’t need to have sex with you if I don’t want to,”

At that his boyfriend does look at him, his eyes burn into Youngjae’s ones. “Am I forcing you to do something you don’t want to?” 

“I didn’t say you were! But when you act like that and come to the couch because I told you ‘no’ that’s pretty fucked up, so if you could please come back to bed that would be nice. If you don’t want to talk that’s okay but don’t fucking ignore me because I’m not on the same boat as you,” 

“It’s not about sex,” Jaebeom says annoyed but he nods getting up, stopping right in front of Youngjae, “sure, let’s go to bed, why not? Definitely there’s nothing wrong now,” he goes to the bedroom and Youngjae finds him naked lying in the far end of their bed, it’s annoying. 

Youngjae goes to bed as well, it’s weird to lay there with Jaebeom and not having him cuddling up to him or just laying on top of his body, he got used to it and it’s just too familiar to now have him so far from him. They don’t talk at all, it’s way past midnight when Youngjae gives up on sleeping like that, “are you sleeping?” He whispers but the other is able to hear it. 

He grunts without turning to Youngjae, “no,” and nothing else. Youngjae has to do everything himself, he moves in the bed so he is closer to Jaebeom, they are not touching but they could be if Youngjae wanted.

“I’m sorry, of course, I know it wasn’t about having sex or not… I upset you. Jaebeom, I just wanted to understand what was happening, it can be really frustrating when you don’t talk to me,” he does touch Jaebeom then, putting an arm around his waist and hugging him close to his own body. 

Jaebeom doesn’t tense up at the contact neither complains, he leans against Youngjae’s chest as if he has been waiting for this. “I’m not mad, sorry if it seemed like that,” his voice is way to low, he wouldn’t be able to hear it if he wasn’t this close. “I just wanted to be close to you.” 

“Sorry. I want to be close to you too,” Youngjae really wants to be with him, the moments that they spent fighting and not talking to each other were torturous and it wasn’t even that much time. He feels really bad, he doesn’t want to hurt Jaebeom in any way, doesn’t want to say things he doesn’t mean nor doubt him. Youngjae kisses his temple lightly, “don’t want you to be mad at me,” 

“I won’t ever be truly mad at you, you know? It’s you,” it’s like that is supposed to mean something, Youngjae doesn’t know what yet he nods kissing Jaebeom’s face again the best way he can. 

“You… I wish you could talk to me, about things that bother you, about what is going on with you, about everything. You don’t talk to me, Jaebeom” 

Jaebeom interlaces their fingers, Youngjae thinks he fell asleep but then he squeezes his hand and talks again. “There’s nothing, baby, nothing for you to worry about,”

That’s a lie, Youngjae knows it is yet he can’t do anything about it. He feels so powerless, hot tears burning in his eyes, “you wouldn’t lie to me, right?” 

“Of course not,” Jaebeom replies too quickly, the lie comes way too fast as if he doesn’t even care about it. The tears don’t fall but every part of him hurts inside, Youngjae is sure the doorman wasn’t lying, suddenly he is sure that Jaebeom is the one lying to him. Jaebeom bought this place, he is paying for expensive classes and he doesn’t say anything about his job to Youngjae. 

“Can you lay over me, I sort of need it to sleep well,” Jaebeom nods turning to Youngjae and laying up over his body. He kisses the younger’s neck and lips as if he needs it, telling Youngjae that he loves him so much, that he doesn’t want to be apart from him. 

All Youngjae can do is nod, he feels warmth through his entire body, he loves Jaebeom more than anything. He can take the lies, can take Jaebeom’s silence, he can take whatever the older boy gives him as long as they stay together. He wishes things were different and he promises himself he will try to fix things for both him and Jaebeom, that he will try to show Jaebeom that he can take care of him so he won’t need to depend on that fucking pimp anymore. 

-

Literally, nothing goes as Youngjae planned, he doesn’t get Jaebeom to open up at all, he wonders if it’s better if he says he knows about the apartment thing just to see what he says but gives up on it too afraid his boyfriend will put even more space between them. He tries to forget about the story altogether just to see where just being a good boyfriend will take him. The problem is that being a good boyfriend isn’t doing much for him, he isn’t even sure if he is really able to be one. 

After his passport is ready Youngjae’s life turns upside down, in the same week Irene tells him they will go to Milan, just like that a whole week in another country in another continent. Youngjae is used to pictorials and to even recording videos by now, his Instagram account isn’t as dead as before, Irene is the one who posts most of the time but sometimes he will post too and even check some comments. 

Going to another country seems horrifying at first, he is just so scared of it, at some point he even thinks Irene will leave him there without his id and passport, it doesn’t happen to his relief. And the shooting is just like all the previous ones he has done, not exactly the same but at this point, Youngjae pretty much knows what to do with himself. He soon realizes he has no reason to be that scared. 

Youngjae could even say that he is happy, he likes what he does and he likes the time he gets to spend with Irene as well. It would be better if Jaebeom was with him, he never is, Jaebeom is always busy with his dancing practices or with his job. Things don’t change right at the beginning, it’s a slow process, Youngjae starts noticing that Jaebeom is always more distant every time he comes back from a trip, as small as it can be he is able to notice the changes. 

Jaebeom never complains, but they also don’t talk much about it, the older one doesn’t talk much about anything anymore, not about his friends nor his classes. Youngjae hasn’t seen Jackson or his other friends from Elektra’s house in forever, he brings it up but all his boyfriend says is that they will be able to hang out soon, soon never comes though. 

Youngjae is making good money, he saves it up not spending much, all he does is give money to institutions that help homeless people or animals. He also likes buying gifts for Joy, the only time he really buys Jaebeom something is when he gets him a new phone, Jaebeom doesn’t want it at all. They fight even when Youngjae brings home clothes from a brand he represented, they were free and Jaebeom’s size but Jaebeom won’t take them. 

It doesn’t matter what Youngjae says he just won’t accept anything he gives him, he gives Youngjae everything since the beginning he would pay for everything but as soon as Youngjae tries to give him a gift they will get into an argument or even un ugly fight. So he gives up on it, Joy is the only one enjoying his gifts. 

The boy takes his friend on a trip to New Zeland, he is only there for work it’s not a holiday but Joy makes it feel like one. She annoys Irene even more than Youngjae, he never thought it would be possible the two of them actually fight over the dumbest things. He thinks the entire trip how much he wished it would be Jaebeom with him there, but Jaebeom is never able to go anywhere with him, Youngjae isn’t even sure if he would go if he could. 

Every time he comes back from a trip longer than two days they fight over something stupid, it’s never something major but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s unpleasant to live like this. They never go to bed angry at each other though, but they don’t talk about what is causing problems either, every time they solve things with sex. It’s not how Youngjae would like to solve things but it’s the only way Jaebeom is up to do anything. 

Every fight ends with them fucking somewhere in the apartment, the worst part is that Youngjae isn’t even sure if Jaebeom really enjoys it. He fucks Jaebeom one night just to have the other boy under him silent with his eyes closed, Youngjae is pretty sure he is trying to turn everything off, he feels like shit after it. He tells Jaebeom all the time he loves him but the older boy rarely says it back nowadays, the few times he says it he looks right into Youngjae’s eyes, his words too sincere but it’s like they are painful to say. 

“No, what are you doing here? We already spend too much time together we don’t need to see each other in our free time too,” Irene says as soon as she sees Youngjae standing at her front door. 

The boy ignores her getting inside her place and throwing himself at her beautiful white couch, everything is beautiful and white on her place, it’s weirdly nonpersonal. “I don’t want to be by myself,” 

Jaebeom isn’t home, Youngjae barely saw him in the past days and he gave up on waiting for him to come home. Of course, the most expected thing would be for him to go to Joy’s place but he doesn’t feel like being all happy and pretending he isn’t upset tonight. The only moment he can really be himself is when he is with Irene, he can be his annoying depressing self and even if she hates it he doesn’t have to pretend. 

“What about your boyfriend? Do you really need to come to my place out of all places?” Youngjae just shrugs, he doesn’t say anything he doesn’t have to. He really just wanted to be with someone instead of locked up by himself in his apartment. “Come on,” Irene takes him to the garden, it’s the best place on her house, the only place that doesn’t look made by an architect and remained untouched. 

Her garden has a bunch of flowers, Youngjae can’t name any of them, just the roses, but he is pretty sure Irene is the one that takes care of them and she probably knows everything about plants. They lay in the grass looking at the stars and the waxing crescent moon, Youngjae loves it, he loves every moon phase. 

Tears roll down his face, his chest painfully tight, the night isn’t cold but the wind sort of makes him shiver.

“Is something happening?” Irene asks, she doesn’t ask about the tears and for that he is grateful. Youngjae shakes his head but speaks either way. 

“You have fallen in love, I suppose,”

Irene stares at him but then she shakes her head disapprovingly, “how is this any of your business?” 

“It’s not,” he would laugh at her expression at any other moment but now he can’t even fake it. “It’s just… I really love Jaebeom but right now I ain’t sure if he loves me.” That’s not entirely true, Youngjae believes Jaebeom loves him, but he doesn’t know to what extent, the way Jaebeom acts, the way he doesn’t tell Youngjae anything that happens to him, of course, they aren’t like strangers they will never be but the lack of communication makes Youngjae doubt about a lot of things sometimes. 

“I see. What exactly do you want to know?” She concedes it’s pathetic she’s probably only doing this because she feels sorry for him. It’s not like Youngjae cares, he wants to get it out from his chest, wants the pain to go away. 

He isn’t sure what he wants to know, or how to start but he tries to think about what is bugging him. “You see, he lies to me,” saying that is worse than Youngjae could imagine, knowing it’s different from admitting it, “he doesn’t trust me or anyone, he just won’t tell me anything he prefers lying and pretend nothing is wrong.”

Irene nods, she is mature and a good listener, she doesn’t say whatever comes to her head she thinks a lot before making any input. “And you keep going with the relationship even though he lies to you, you accept whatever he gives to you,” 

Youngjae doesn’t want to say that this is what he does but it’s exactly what he does so he nods, “I mean yeah, I love him, I want to be with him. I want things to change but I want it to be me and him,” 

“You see that’s the problem, you’re a good person you deserve to be treated well and to be respected. You can’t tie yourself to someone just because you love them if they don’t make you happy, you can’t accept just anything.” 

The boy is offended at that, “he makes me happy, he is the only person that has ever made me happy. This is not the problem,” 

“Just because you are happy to be with the person you love and he made you happy at some point doesn’t mean he actively make you happy with yourself, with your life. I suppose you really love him if you accept this kind of situation but you should prioritize your wellbeing,” 

“It’s not like that,” Youngjae tells both her and himself, it’s really not like that, he and Jaebeom might be in a weird place these past months, it might be hard to understand each other but Jaebeom makes him happy. Whenever he looks at Jaebeom he feels his heart warming up, his insides going to jelly and all he can think about is how he wants to be with him forever. This is the only happiness he has ever known, “it’s really not like that, he makes me happy.”

“Alright, but make sure he treats you right. And don’t say he already does because lying and not trusting or lying to someone he lives with for so long is not what I call treating someone you love right.”

And really Youngjae was about to say that he does, he treats him just right, but her words hurt him like a knife cutting at his heart. Jaebeom loves him, he has his reasons to act the way he does, it’s not like Irene could understand it, Youngjae is the only one that understands him and his situation, that can see why he behaves the way he does. 

When Youngjae gets home that night Jaebeom is already there, he is so surprised to see him all fluffy in pajama pants and wet hair. He kisses him caressing his boyfriend’s face scared he will disappear if he doesn’t love him the right way. They watch TV together on the new couch Youngjae bought, this one bigger and comfortable, Jaebeom eats popcorn while he plays with Youngjae’s hair with his free hand. 

“Do you still love me?” Youngjae wants to facepalm when the words leave his mouth, he didn’t mean to say them, he doesn’t even know how they escaped him. This is the most pathetic thing to ask someone, he wasn’t embarrassed he is always comfortable with Jaebeom, but that’s a pretty embarrassing thing to ask. 

Jaebeom looks surprised at the question but it doesn’t stop him from replying, “of course, I do. You are the only person that matters to me in this world, I love you so much. I’d anything for you, baby.” Those are the only words that come out of Jaebeom’s mouth that Youngjae truly believes because they feel right because he looks right at his eyes when he tells him that. Because nothing has ever sounded so sincere in his voice. “Want me to show it to you?”

“Please,” if he is begging he doesn’t really care, he wants Jaebeom to prove his love in any way he can. So when Jaebeom turns their bodies on the couch so he is the one on top, Youngjae can only wait for his touches. 

They are delicate, it’s usually rough not delicate, but tonight Jaebeom is just so loving with him. Kissing his entire body, giving him so much attention that Youngjae feels like crying, it’s like he knows how much Youngjae needs him to love him, to not be lying about this. Just noot about his. 

Youngjae does cry when they make love and Jaebeom tells him he loves him more than once, way more than once. Saying things he never said before, like how Youngjae changed his life, how Jaebeom looks forward to coming home to see him. The boy didn’t know that and hearing it was so good he would cry and deepen his nails at Jaebeom’s back, too overwhelmed by it all. 

“I love you, I don’t intend to let you go. Ever.” Not as if Youngjae would ever want to be anywhere that is not with Jaebeom. When he falls asleep it to the warmth of Jaebeom’s entire body clinging to him, his teeth scraping at Youngjae’s shoulder. He doesn’t know if this is the right way of loving someone, but it’s the only way Youngjae can see himself living, he can’t live without this. He can’t live without Jaebeom. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly the world is such a messy scary place rn, i hope you can stay safe and healthy, that you can take care of others but of yourself as well  
> it can be really stressing so i hope you find a stress-relieving :) <3  
> hope this chapter was enjoyable since i liked writing it and im kinda excited for the next one (is the one that made me start this story)  
> have good pleasant days 💖💖


	9. sorry, I'll hate you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi :)  
> \- i was so excited to write this.. but editing made me not like it so much,,, i wated to reread it again to fix some stuff but being honest i wasn't going to do that any time soon, so here have it as it  
> \- tittle inspired by twice's love foolish, but i didn't really listen to it to write the chapter, i just thought it was fitting when i was already done  
> \- anyways pls enjoy........  
> (Aya I don't know when u'll be able to read this but fighting!! <3)

The flight back home was over twelve hours, as comfortable as the plane was, it was awful to spend so much time in it, not being able to walk or to do pretty much anything. Youngjae was dead tired, he just wanted to get home already, the worst part of this trip wasn’t even how long the flight was but how long he spent away from home. It was the first time Youngjae has stayed in another country for over three weeks straight, it was weird to not be with Jaebeom and in their apartment for so long. 

People in Japan were obsessed with him, that’s what Irene said the first time they went there, but now it was clear even to Youngjae. He had so much work there, not just photoshoot for different magazines, but also commercials, interviews, and being a guest in television programs. Youngjae was learning Japanese, but it was just so hard, he always needed an interpreter with him, he had no idea how people enjoyed watching him struggling with their language. 

At least now he was finally free, Youngjae would do whatever was necessary in order to not need to travel for the next few weeks. Irene was pretty tired of his face as well, so he thinks they will manage a little break. 

The boy was having a hard time trying to get all his baggage up to his apartment, he almost fell when he got them from the trunk, but now it was even worse to fit them in the elevator. Youngjae wanted to call Jaebeom to come down and help him but he felt a little embarrassed of the doorman watching him asking for help. Turns out that even if he had called Jaebeom he wouldn’t be getting any help. 

Youngjae looks around the apartment but it’s pretty clear that Jaebeom isn’t home. The boy decides to not overreact just yet, they agreed that Jaebeom would wait for him at home and they would go out to have dinner. It’s still early, he might come home soon, that’s what Youngjae tries to tell himself while he showers but he is getting terribly annoyed already. He’s exhausted but it’s hard to sleep when he is too jet-lagged to be able to actually sleep. 

Youngjae decides to wait for Jaebeom on the couch, turns on the TV just for some background noise. Over the hours Youngjae gets more and more annoyed, he isn’t even upset, he just wants to fight Jaebeom for not getting home like he said he would. It’s not as if he won’t be seeing his boyfriend sooner or later but he misses the other, he shouldn’t be angry when all he wants is to kiss Jaebeom. But being denied it makes Youngjae stomp around the apartment angrily until he gets tired of it and lays back on the couch. 

Calling Jaebeom doesn’t do anything since he doesn’t pick up, Youngjae would be worried but it’s not as if Jaebeom actually picks up when he calls, he is used to it. The fatigue finally wins over him, he doesn’t realize when he falls asleep, his body is so tired but he is not completely out of it. So, Youngjae hears when Jaebeom gets home, he wants to open his eyes and demand an explanation as to why Jaebeom is just getting home now. 

Jaebeom says something but Youngjae can’t catch it, he feels a hand on his hair that he wants to beat away. But Youngjae’s body won’t move, he can’t open his eyes nor scowl at Jaebeom at all, it’s like he has been anesthetized, so the boy just gives up. He sleeps deeply promising himself he will kick his boyfriend’s ass when he wakes up. 

What wakes Youngjae is something cool getting his neck wet, reluctantly he looks down to find the source of whatever is this weird thing on him. “Jaebeom! Get off me! You’re drooling all over me,” 

Jaebeom is lying over him crushing his bones, and drooling on Youngjae like a dog. Youngjae pushes him harder to wake him up, he feels a little bad when Jaebeom looks at him startled with the sudden movement. He also feels his chest expanding just to tighten in the next second, they have video-called each other a lot in the past weeks, Youngjae also got selfies from Jaebeom but nothing compares to seeing him this close again. Jaebeom is just so handsome, his features are so pretty, his sleepy face so close to Youngjae’s own makes his heart beat fast and hard on his chest. 

“Baby,” Jaebeom whispers, going for a kiss but Youngjae stops him, hands on his shoulders. He squeezes it a bit hoping Jaebeom won’t notice that he is feeling him up, Jaebeom looks more confused than anything else. And that reminds Youngjae just how mad he was before.

“Where were you, huh? You were supposed to be here when I got home, didn’t we agree on that? Plus we had a restaurant reservation, couldn’t you remember it?” Youngjae asks annoyed, pushing Jaebeom off him so he can get some water in the kitchen. 

Jaebeom follows him around like a puppy, “we have a reservation, tomorrow. When you were supposed to get home. Tomorrow.” 

“Are you fucking serious?” Youngjae doesn’t know why something so dumb is making him so angry, at least Jaebeom is here, he has no idea what time is it but at least Jaebeom did come home. He shouldn’t start an argument over something like this, he can’t help himself though. “I clearly told you I’d get home  _ Thursday _ , and you were even excited--”

“And I was still excited to see you on Thursday, but today is Wednesday, you know?” Just as Jaebeom says that Youngjae opens and closes his mouth like a fish. He isn’t convinced so he goes back to the living room to check the day on his phone, and sure it’s Wednesday, not Thursday. 

Youngjae feels his face warming up in shame, he is still angry even though Jaebeom didn’t do anything wrong. Youngjae says nothing sitting on the couch and staring ahead so he doesn’t have to look at his boyfriend, is no use because Jaebeom is laughing by his side. He sits impossibly close to Youngjae, the laugh too loud on his ears. Youngjae smiles against his own will. He missed it, Jaebeom’s loud laugh and his voice, the warmth of his body, Youngjae missed it all. 

“Do I have to apologize?” He asks, pouting at Jaebeom who just shakes his head and kisses him. Their lips finding each other is such an ordinary thing, it’s usual for them by now but right now it feels as if Jaebeom has never kissed him before. Youngjae presses himself on Jaebeom holding him in place so he won’t let go, he can’t get enough of the other. “Missed you so much. Every day, every second.” 

Jaebeom nods kissing him again for a long time, he caresses Youngjae’s face softly looking at his eyes, there are just so many different feelings on his expression Youngjae feels overwhelmed by it. “Almost twenty-three days without you… I think I met hell,” 

“Were you actually counting the days?” Youngjae is surprised, he knew it was over three weeks, but he didn’t count or anything so he can’t even be sure if Jaebeom is right about the days. But he feels something warm on his stomach, not as if he isn’t used to the funny feeling when it comes to Jaebeom. 

“Each one of them,” Jaebeom affirms laying Youngjae on the couch so he can lay with him just like they were earlier. “I could just think about you all the time, wanted nothing but to touch you, baby.” 

Youngjae also could only think about being with Jaebeom again, no matter how much fun he would have on his trips, nothing was like just being here with Jaebeom. He told Jaebeom so between hotted kisses, getting rid of their clothes quickly. They were becoming too desperate too fast, probably because of how long it has been since they touched each other. 

They slide their naked bodies together slowly, Youngjae holding on Jaebeom’s hair for dear life. By now making it to their bed isn’t an option. Youngjae lets Jaebeom do all the work above him, the older boy rolls their hips together sucking kisses on Youngjae’s neck. 

“Fucking want you. Want you to stay here with me, to never leave,” that’s so hot for Youngjae to hear, Jaebeom never asks him to not go on trips, he knows Youngjae can’t do anything about it. But the boy wants to hear it anyway, he wants to know that Jaebeom wants him by his side all the time just the way Youngjae wants the other. 

He moans at a particularly hard bite Jaebeom gives his right nipple, Youngjae pulls his hair so he can kiss Jaebeom’s lips again. The kiss is messier than before, now that they are both hard and just looking for their orgasm, no finesse. “I need to--” but he does have to say something, Youngjae is able to help Jaebeom sit up so he can sit on his lap. 

They can’t bother with getting lube, a waste of time. So Youngjae just licks his hand ‘till it’s completely wet and he has barely any saliva left on his mouth. Youngjae gets both of them in his hand so he can jerk them together as nicely as he manages. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Jaebeom moans on his ears as he tries to thrust up on Youngjae’s fist. The boy would laugh at how desperate Jaebeom sounds but it’s not like he isn’t in the same situation, they haven’t been together in too long, the distance making them frustrated. Youngjae knows they will cum fast and it isn’t a problem since his body didn’t recover from the flight yet, he just wants to have this moment with Jaebeom. 

Youngjae makes sure to stroke them tightly giving special attention to Jaebeom’s dick, he kinda gets off on his boyfriend’s loud moans. Jaebeom has both hands on his ass moving Youngjae and hiss as if he is fucking inside him. The boy twists his hand stroking their dicks harder as his body trembles and he feels his head spin. “Love you,” he barely whispers, it’s enough to make Jaebeom cum between their bodies.

Youngjae watches as Jaebeom’s body trembles with the force of his orgasm, eyes closed and mouth barely open. He looks so good like this, Youngjae can’t take his eyes away from him as he lets go of Jaebeom’s dick and keeps stroking himself quickly. He licks Jaebeom’s face, the boy makes a noise at it, and Youngjae just kisses him quicking his pace ‘till he cums as well, adding white liquid to the mess that is mostly caught on Jaebeom’s abs.

Jaebeom looks so stunning, it’s like Youngjae had forgotten even if for a little while how beautiful his boyfriend is, Youngjae kisses him again, biting his lips to make sure they will be painted beautifully red because of him. 

They have no strength to fuck so they just jerk each other off again in the shower. Youngjae does most of the work again having to hold Jaebeom’s body against the tiles. He thinks it’s good enough like this, they will have plenty of time to fuck properly later, they go to bed together not bothering with looking for clothes. Most of Youngjae’s clothes are still in his bags so he really wouldn’t bother with it. 

Before Youngjae can actually fall asleep he tries to look at Jaebeom as the other lays on top of him, that’s probably what Youngjae missed the most, sleeping like this, the weight of Jaebeom over him. “Since you thought I was coming tomorrow, I hope you will spend the entire day with me. It was the plan, right?” 

Jaebeom nods on his nape leaving a kiss there, “yeah, that was my plan all along. I won’t leave your side tomorrow, I don’t think I’d be able to even if I tried too.” 

Youngjae smiles on his pillow, it smells like Jaebeom. “Wouldn't we be able to? Why are we like opposite magnets?” 

“Something like that, once we are glued… it’s hard to pull us apart,” Jaebeom is smiling too. Youngjae can’t see but he can’t hear it in his voice. “Like when we are fucking… hard to pull us apart.” Youngjae laughs out loud, feeling his stomach contract. That’s another thing Youngjae missed but he didn’t really realize it until now, he just loved having dumb talks with Jaebeom. Cuddling with him while they say whatever comes to mind, he can’t wait for tomorrow to wake up with him and spend all day by Jaebeom’s side. 

They haven’t done this in so long, they live together but barely spend much time by themselves just enjoying each other’s company. Youngjae feels as Jaebeom’s arms hold him tighter and his hot breath tickles the hair on his nape, there’s no other place he would rather be right now. Youngjae falls asleep with a smile on his face. 

Youngjae wakes up slowly the next day, it’s a bit late and Jaebeom isn’t in the bed anymore but he can hear the other in the apartment. The boy is well-rested now, his body is still trying to get used to being home again but at least he isn’t feeling so tired and sleepy like yesterday. He takes a long time to get out of the bed when he finally does he finds Jaebeom dancing in the living room. Youngjae smiles at the sight, Jaebeom practices a lot, he works hard even when he is not at the dancing studio, he gets better every day. 

“You being really loud, you know?” Youngjae walks to him and stands there waiting for a kiss that Jaebeom drops to his lips easily. 

“Did I wake you? Sorry,” Jaebeom is sweaty, Youngjae thinks it’s disgusting but hot at the same time. He doesn’t want to be touched by a sweaty Jaebeom but it’s nice to look at it, it takes him a while to understand what Jaebeom asked. Reluctantly he takes his eyes away from his boyfriend’s broad shoulders and shakes his head innocently. 

“That can’t wake me up, but the neighbors might complain about it,” Youngjae tells him but Jaebeom just shrugs not worried about it. 

“What can they do about it?” Indeed what can they do when Jaebeom owes the apartment and not just rents it, Youngjae bitterly thinks to himself. He doesn’t say anything back, trying to get his annoyance hidden instead. “Go change, I want to enjoy our free day out of this place,” Jaebeom tells him.

It’s a bit surprising since they stay at home more often than not, Youngjae likes being home with Jaebeom but he is right. They haven’t been together in forever and Youngjae thinks they should do something different for a change. Jaebeom showers before they go, Youngjae is grateful for it, and it doesn’t take them long to get ready. 

First, they go to a museum that Jaebeom wanted to visit, Youngjae has to convince himself to not just sit and sleep in a corner. “Very romantic, what is next going to the library?” He mocks but he doesn’t really mind being here since Jaebeom is so excited looking at old stuff. 

“What’s wrong with going to the library?” His boyfriend asks back while he puts one of his arms around Youngjae’s waist in order to keep the younger boy moving with him. Youngjae can’t believe he would actually consider going on a date in the library, people only do it in dramas, not in real life. 

“Next time I should decide where we are going to, you are too boring,” 

Jaebeom laughs quietly trying not to disturb the other three people in the place, “we are both boring, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

Sure, they are both boring. Youngjae will give Jaebeom that, but he thinks Jaebeom is more boring than him. What with him looking at everything for hours and taking pics non-stop if he’s going to take pics why he even needs to stare at things for so long? When Jaebeom finally thinks it’s enough they head out to an ice cream parlor. 

That Youngjae enjoys more, they don’t do something so simple like this together. This is romantic, he thinks. The butterflies in Youngjae’s stomach are going mad, he thinks it’s funny that after so long it is still going strong. He thought people stayed together out of love but that it would wear out slowly, he didn’t really think that romantic love only grows and grows. Every second that Youngjae spends looking at Jaebeom his heart expands, he wants to just hold the other and never let go. 

It’s a bit silly that he’s getting so overwhelmed by getting ice cream with Jaebeom but there’s nothing he can do about it, they walk hand in hand. It used to be awkward in the beginning but now it’s like muscle memory, they hold hands whenever they are together. 

Youngjae is disgusted by Jaebeom’s choice of ice cream. Jaebeom convinces him to try a bit from his mint choco making Youngjae feel one of the worst tastes in his life. That green thing tastes like toothpaste but worse since you actually eat it, he can’t understand how Jaebeom can love it so much, he even closes his eyes while he eats it. 

“Oh, it’s been a long while,” Youngjae says surprised when he realizes Jaebeom is walking him to the bridge. 

Their ice cream was already over, Youngjae didn’t notice that the ice cream parlor was this close to the bridge. He hasn’t been here since he and Jaebeom went jogging last Winter, it’s already cold again, it feels nostalgic. 

“I’d come here when I missed you a lot. Well, I missed you all the time but I could only come every other day or so,” Jaebeom tells him as he back hugs Youngjae. 

Youngjae thinks about it while he looks at the waves, they aren’t too strong today. He used to love this place and dread it at the same time, Youngjae would think about how all his pain and troubled thoughts would end here. As much as this place would help him ease his mind he still thinks about Bernie being dead. 

Sometimes Youngjae doesn’t believe Bambam really did that, he doesn’t want to believe. Youngjae just loves this ocean too much to believe something so ugly could have happened here. He tries to replace the bad thoughts from this place to Jaebeom’s thoughts only, how Youngjae met him here, how they would come here together. And now that he knows that his boyfriends come here when he wants to feel closer to Youngjae it sort of makes sense to just think good things about the bridge. 

“You won’t need to come here this often anymore, I’m here,” Youngjae says, that’s supposed to mean something. He hopes Jaebeom understands it, that Youngjae will always be there with him. Jaebeom kisses him, the sun is setting, Youngjae remembers the time something like this happened. When the colors would play over Jaebeom’s features. 

He holds Jaebeom’s face and kisses him again, the lights are softer today. Youngjae looks at his face as if Jaebeom were the most precious person in the universe, to him Jaebeom  _ is  _ the only person that matters. Jaebeom is holding him while they watch the sun kissing the ocean, Youngjae feels his eyes filling with tears. 

But it all ends too soon, Jaebeom pushes him lightly so they aren’t touching anymore. Youngjae averts his eyes from the sunset to look at him worried he might have done something wrong, but Jaebeom just shakes his head and looks at a group of teenage girls that are a few meters from them. “What’s wrong?” 

“I think they are taking pics of you, of us,” Jaebeom whispers, it’s not like they can hear them. Youngjae kind of got used to people doing it when he is out with Irene or Joy, he doesn’t like it because it’s just too weird but all he does is ignore them. He feels bad because Jaebeom is probably uncomfortable with people taking pics of him without consent. Youngjae is about to take his bucket hat and give it to Jaebeom when his boyfriend hisses trying to block Youngjae from the girls’ phones. “I don’t want photos of you next to me all over the internet,”

“What do you mean?” It doesn’t sound like he is worried about people seeing his face and exposing him, but about what they will say about Youngjae. “I don’t care about it though,”

Jaebeom looks at him as if he is crazy, “Youngjae, what if someone recognizes me in these photos and I don’t know, what if they say you are paying for a prostitute. I don’t want us to be seen together,” 

“What, are you serious right now? You are my boyfriend,” Youngjae tries to look at the group of girls, they are just teenagers, the photos are probably all over Twitter already. Jaebeom doesn’t let him see much, “God, will you stop this? They already took the photos, I don’t mind being seen with you. If anything I want people to know we are together.” 

“Don’t say something stupid like this, you shouldn’t be connected with someone like me,” Jaebeom sounds so distressed Youngjae can feel anger and something dark start to build up inside of him. He knows Jaebeom is worrying about him but Youngjae hates when he talks like that about himself, it’s like they aren’t on the same level. As if Youngjae should be embarrassed about being with him. “We should leave,” 

“Our reservation is in two hours, why do we have to leave now?” The annoyance is clear on his voice, Jaebeom sighs, his hand almost goes to Youngjae’s face but he stops himself before it can make any contact. “Stop that right now! You can’t even touch me? Jaebeom, stop being a dick right now!”

“I’m being a dick? I’m taking care of you,” Jaebeom really looks worried about the situation, there’s nothing to be worried about. Youngjae wants to go to the girls and break their phones for ruining his day, everything was just so perfect before they showed up. But it’s Jaebeom’s fault too, it’s his fault for being so worried about what people will think or say about Youngjae. 

“Alright, I wanna go home, now! Since you’re so worried we shouldn’t go together, I’ll take a taxi you do whatever you want,” at that Jaebeom touches him, just a light touch on his arm. It’s enough for Youngjae to feel like he proved a point even if he doesn’t know what point exactly. 

“You don’t want to get dinner anymore?” Youngjae hates hearing how pathetic Jaebeom sounds, they were supposed to be happy, he sounds like a scared kid instead. The boy looks back at where the sun was, it was already gone, everything becoming too dark too fast. He ignores Jaebeom, walking to the road so he can get them a cab. 

Of course, they go home together, if they’d get into different cars Youngjae would punch Jaebeom’s face. They don’t talk to each other, Irene is already calling Youngjae and he knows what it is about by the bunch of notifications he is getting. Youngjae doesn’t pick the call but texts her saying it’s okay and that she shouldn’t freak out. 

Youngjae said he wouldn’t pretend to be straight but he never really talked about being gay, he didn’t think it was important and no one ever asked him about his sexuality. He opens his Twitter account just to see, as he expected, a bunch of photos of him kissing Jaebeom. They look cute, he would be happy about it if Jaebeom weren’t acting like an asshole about it. Youngjae doesn’t read any comments, he knows people can be mean so he just makes sure no one is talking shit about his boyfriend. 

When they get to their apartment Youngjae goes to their room, he wants to slam the door close but it doesn’t have much appeal when the person you’re mad at shares the room with you. So he doesn’t even bother closing the door, Jaebeom follows him right when he lies on their bed. 

“Can you stop acting like this? I’m just taking care of you,” Jaebeom says it again, Youngjae rolls his eyes this time. 

“Well, then stop it. You’re my boyfriend, not my father, I don’t need you to worry about me all the time I just need to be with you. It can’t be that hard to understand,” Youngjae is pretty annoyed at this whole thing. It’s not the first time Jaebeom comes with this ‘take care of you’ bullshit, but it’s the first time he gets to make Youngjae mad. Before he would just ignore it, or feel bad when Jaebeom would do too much to make things good for him. 

The thing is that not wanting people to know about them was too much. Youngjae loves Jaebeom, he doesn’t care about anything or anyone else. Even if people did find out about what Jaebeom does and he lost everything he wouldn’t care, he has enough money for them to have a normal life without him needing to keep his career. He will always prioritize Jaebeom over anything, Youngjae just wants his boyfriend to see that. 

“I never asked you to take care of me,” Youngjae huffs the words, not caring to look at Jaebeom. 

“It’s not possible that you don’t see how damaging it can be to your image, how people will talk shit about you being with me. Baby, you should be with some rich guy that--” Youngjae can’t hear it anymore, he thinks about throwing the bedside lamp on Jaebeom’s head so he will shut up. He can’t do it nor he wants to hurt Jaebeom so he just yells at him to shut up. 

“What do you think I should do then? Want me to dump you and find some rich dumbass to pose for photos with me? We can’t have a relationship like this, I just can’t with this,” Youngjae is on the verge of tears, he isn’t even sad so he doesn’t know why his eyes are burning like this. 

He is just so mad that Jaebeom would even say something so dumb as if Youngjae would be with someone because of others. 

“You can’t see yourself the way I see, you keep talking shit about yourself. You think you’re not worth it and then what, I have to find someone better? It’s you that I love,” 

“This-- this wasn’t what I meant. Youngjae! I’d never say that I want you to be with another man, I just mean that people should see you with someone else so they don’t think badly of you because of me,” Jaebeom says it as if that is much better as if it makes any difference. 

He sits in the bed next to Youngjae but the younger boy just gets out of it, “I fucking hate you sometimes.” Youngjae watches as he says the words, he loves Jaebeom but it’s just so easy to hate him sometimes. He is a liar, he hides everything from Youngjae and now he also wants Youngjae to pretend to not be with him as well. Youngjae can see the hurt on Jaebeom’s face, it’s the first time he doesn’t care. “I’ll go stay on the couch, keep the bed. I don’t want to look at you tonight.” 

“Baby--” now Youngjae does slam the bedroom’s door before he can hear Jaebeom say anything else. Youngjae thinks he might be overreacting but then he remembers that he was supposed to be at the restaurant with his boyfriend and not home. They also shouldn’t lie to each other, they shouldn’t keep secrets nor shouldn’t go weeks apart, Youngjae knows not everything is Jaebeom’s fault. But he is mad at more things than he can think about. 

This was just the last straw after so much bullshit Youngjae has accepted quietly. He tries to calm himself, to breathe properly, Youngjae is still mad at Jaebeom but he also feels a little guilty after a while. Thinking about Jaebeom being hurt by his words is another annoyance he has to deal with, so when he calms down he goes back to their room. Jaebeom isn’t sleeping, he is surprised to see Youngjae but doesn’t say anything. 

“I don’t hate you if anything I love you so much that it makes me mad,” Youngjae tells him, not too kindly, as soon as they make eye contact. He said he was going to take the couch but he can’t really sleep without Jaebeom so he doesn’t even try. 

“I think that that’s hate, loving someone so much that you end up hating them,” Jaebeom nods thinking to himself. Youngjae lies next to him so they can look at each other better, Jaebeom looks embarrassed for some reason. 

“But I don’t. I don’t hate you. This ‘loving so much that you hate’ thing I don’t believe it, I just want to love you. It’s okay to fight sometimes, but not to hate. I really don’t hate you, I’m sorry,” Youngjae doesn’t want to apologize, but he is sorry, also he doesn’t want Jaebeom to feel bad. Jaebeom hugs him for a long time before he tells Youngjae that it’s okay. That things are okay between them. 

They won’t solve the real problem, Youngjae knows they will only talk about what happened when something similar happens again. He feels powerless as he closes his eyes and pretends to sleep. Youngjae never sleeps that night, his body is burning in frustration even though he pretends it’s better now. He opens his eyes when he is sure Jaebeom is asleep and looks at each detail of his boyfriend’s face. Everything about him is perfect, his nose, his lips, Youngjae even loves his lip line, he also likes Jaebeom’s brows a lot. The twin moles above his eyes don’t even look real. 

Jaebeom is really pretty, Youngjae wonders if he realizes it. He thinks Jaebeom knows he is hot, that he looks good, but he doesn’t think Jaebeom knows how unique he is. How he has nothing to be embarrassed about, not only because of his appearance but also for the person he is. When Jaebeom wakes up in the morning Youngjae is still staring, his eyes are tired but he doesn’t care about it. Youngjae keeps watching as Jaebeom gets ready for his class, things aren’t alright but they pretend they are. 

When Jaebeom leaves, Youngjae has to accept that their day together ended, it didn’t even end the way he hoped it would. Youngjae needs to get ready too, he has to go to the gym, he ate a lot yesterday and he needs to burn the calories. He hates it, hates the treadmill more than should be considered normal. He doesn’t even hate walking or running, he just hates doing it in a closed space with a bunch of people around. 

It’s not like Youngjae has the option of not going to the gym, it’s something that he has to do, they have a program to keep him in shape and everything. He goes with Joy and Irene, Youngjae thinks a bright side of earning money was that he could pay for Joy to do all the stuff he didn’t like doing by himself. The gym was too expensive for her but he could pay for it so he didn’t care, Joy was better at exercising than him, Irene hates it just like him but she pretends she doesn’t. 

Youngjae is silent while they work out, Joy keeps talking about the photos of Youngjae and Jaebeom that were uploaded yesterday. She is excited about it, saying Jaebeom just looked so hot back hugging Youngjae by the bridge, Youngjae thinks so too but he doesn’t engage in conversation because Irene looks like she is ready to kill them. They didn’t get a break from each other so it’s probably also that. 

Youngjae feels like he will pass out at any moment, “you are really pale, are you feeling alright?” Joy wonders with worry in her face, Youngjae shakes his head. He usually would lie and keep going but today he doesn’t want to risk it, not when he might fall and hit his face on the machine. They stop so Youngjae can drink some water, they never keep going as Irene says she will drive them home. 

In the car, she keeps the scowl on her face, Joy mocks her in the back seat and Youngjae laughs at a particularly funny expression she makes. “You two think I can’t see what you are doing?” 

Joy quiets down afraid of Irene’s hard tone, Youngjae ignores it, he knows what she is mad about, he just drinks his energy drink. The silence is starting to get uncomfortable so Youngjae decides to end it already, “you should just scold me so we can go back to irritate you.”

“Why do I have to scold you? You’re not a kid if you know you did something wrong I don’t need to say anything to you,” Irene says, not taking her eyes from the road. 

“I didn’t do anything wrong, you’re mad but I didn’t do anything.” They stop in front of Joy’s building but she never leaves the car, of course, she wants to hear how the conversation will go. “You knew something like this would happen eventually,”

“Yes, I knew but it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have talked about it before it happened,” Irene has sunglasses on, she looks serious and somehow like an angry mom. Youngjae wants to say that he couldn’t do anything about what happened, but really what use is it to say it now? “Anyway, you need to say something. People are just making assumptions, a lot of journalists want an interview, I’ll let you decided to whom you wanna talk,” 

“I’m not announcing it, explaining to people that I’m gay as if it’s any of their business. I’m just not doing it. I’ll just say he is my boyfriend on Twitter or Instagram, and that’s it.” Irene huffs annoyed but this is not a matter of work, it’s his life so she knows she can’t make him do what she wants him to. 

Joy is about to leave the car when Irene starts talking again and the girl sits back on her seat. “We need to talk about your contract, it’s getting to an end… I know what you said about moving but you should reconsider--”

“I’m not reconsidering,” he interrupts her. 

“Moving where?” Joy says at the same time he cuts Irene off. The older woman looks at Joy as if she just now realized she was still in the car. Irene smiles and Youngjae doesn’t like how it looks. 

“Maybe you can help me put some sense on your friend’s mind. Youngjae has a lot of proposals to move to Europe, his contract will end soon and I want him to sign a better one. But he is too stubborn, I already said he can take his tacky boyfriend, that’s obviously the problem in hand.” Irene tells Joy something Youngjae has stopped himself from doing. 

He knows Joy will think that signing with another agency and moving is his best option, but Youngjae can’t do it. Irene even said she would go with him to another agency even though she works for Allison and not for him, it doesn’t matter though. There’s no way Youngjae will leave Jaebeom behind, she should know that and should stop talking about it. 

Joy looks like she knows what Youngjae is thinking, “it’s not like Jaebeom would go with him. He doesn’t even go on the trips, imagine moving abroad. Jaebeom won’t do it.” 

“Then forget about him! There are things more important in life than men,” Irene is now annoyed at both of them even though Joy didn’t do anything. 

Youngjae feels weird, it’s not that he wants to move but nothing is stopping him but Jaebeom. Of course, he doesn’t need more fame or whatever it will get him, but it’s his job and he likes doing it now. Jaebeom never going with him anywhere hurts, the fact that Joy even knows Jaebeom wouldn’t go with him, he feels stupid. Youngjae says he won’t talk about it anymore and Joy finally goes to her apartment, she kisses Youngjae’s cheek and waves at Irene. 

He ends up going on Twitter and admitting the man in the pics going around is his boyfriend, Youngjae can see his name plus the word ‘boyfriend’ on the Trend Topics. He ignores it, he also ignores how Jaebeom reacts so they won’t fight over it again. Everything Jaebeom says about Youngjae being careless about his own career goes deaf on his ears. 

It’s a couple of days later when Youngjae is playing on his phone and he hears the ringing bell, it’s a bit weird since he didn’t agree on anything with Joy and she is pretty much the only person that visits them. Irene has the key to the apartment. So Youngjae goes to get the door thinking it’s probably the doorman with their mail that he is always giving them shit for not getting it. But it’s not him at the door, Youngjae tries to close it as soon as he sees Bambam standing there looking at him with a smirk on his lips. 

He has no time to do it though, Bambam pushes the door getting inside the apartment. “Get out or I’ll scream.” Youngjae threatens, he still has his phone on his hand so he can call anyone, can call the police if he wants to. Bambam doesn’t seem to mind, he laughs at Youngjae’s surprised expression. 

“I won’t do anything to you, if I wanted to I’d have already done it. I just want to show you something.” Bambam looks even better than Youngjae remembered, he also looks richer, even if it's just for show Youngjae is impressed. 

It’s true that if he wanted to do something to Youngjae he would have done it already, Youngjae wouldn’t even be alive anymore. But Youngjae can’t trust him, “I don’t want to see anything you have to show me. Go away,” 

“I’m sure you will want to see this. Aren’t you tired of being treated like an idiot? From where I see it… it’s really embarrassing the way your boy is doing you dirty.” Bambam sits at the couch as if the place belongs to him, it’s like the entire world belongs to him. Youngjae cringes at the mention of Jaebeom, Bambam knows about him. He wants to know what else Bambam knows but this seems like one of those situations where it’s better to choose ignorance. 

“I won’t, I don’t want to see anything. Jaebeom isn’t doing anything,” Youngjae regrets saying Jaebeom’s name, but Bambam probably knows everything about him. “If this is about the prostitution thing don’t bother, I know about it.”

“I don’t think you do, I don’t think you know that your boyfriend isn’t really yours. That he belongs to someone else,” by the smirk on Bambam’s face he knows he got Youngjae there. 

As much as Youngjae doesn’t want to engage in his games there’s nothing he can do about his curiosity. “Jaebeom doesn’t belong to anyone, I don’t want him to belong to me. So you can stop that,” 

“Jae, your boyfriend literally belongs to someone else. There’s this man that bought him, now I can’t believe you didn’t notice it at all, I know you’re not dumb.” 

Youngjae’s head is spinning, people don’t buy others, Jaebeom isn’t for sale, he can’t be bought. Still, he knows Bambam isn’t lying, the other just lie if he has a way to fake it ‘till it becomes true. In this case, it has to be true, or at least he has to believe it is real. “What do you mean bought him?”

“Now we are talking, huh? Jae, I think your boyfriend wanted too much… Elektra signed a contract and he  _ belongs _ to a millionaire. The man is obsessed with him, gotta give him that, he is probably good at fucking or being fucked,” Bambam says thoughtfully, Youngjae needs to take a seat he doesn’t sit close to Bambam even though he wants to, so he can look at him better. “I don’t understand why with a rich and cute boyfriend like you he would rather live off another man’s money.”

Youngjae doesn’t get it either, not as if he would be one of Jaebeom’s clients. But he could give Jaebeom everything he wanted now, and they loved each other, there was no reason for Jaebeom to be doing this. Bambam talked about a man, a man that was giving Jaebeom money, the words were just now starting to make sense to Youngjae. “When you say a man, what does it mean exactly?” 

“It means exclusivity, a single man that pays so Jaebeom won’t be with any other man. Jaebeom will be his and his only, I guess he doesn’t know about you… or if he does he doesn’t care since for him you’re probably just a kid.” 

Youngjae breathes in and out while he looks up at the ceiling, he is not a kid, he and Jaebeom are together. It’s not just a passing thing. They live together and they love each other, whatever it is with this man it doesn’t matter, he just needs to free Jaebeom from it. “What you wanted to show me?” 

“Come with me,” at Youngjae’s expression Bambam rolls his eyes, “I could kill you here and now, why do you think I’d bother taking you somewhere else to do so? I want to show you where your boyfriend is, I want to make sure you won’t believe his lies again.”

But Youngjae didn’t, he didn’t believe Jaebeom’s lies, he just decided to ignore them so he wouldn’t lose his boyfriend. Right now it seems like he wasn’t doing the right thing, maybe he shouldn’t have ignored what was happening. Youngjae doesn’t bother changing, he gets his snickers by the door and follows Bambam to his car. 

Everything is dark, it's a new moon now so not even it brightens the car. They drive for a while, ‘till they get to a fancy hotel, Youngjae has no idea what they are doing here but at least he isn’t dead. Youngjae isn’t dressed for a fancy party but they still get in the party room, Bambam makes sure no one can stop them. 

A party is happening here, Youngjae tries to read what kind of event is going on but he can’t focus his eyes. There are a lot of rich people, they are in tuxedos or bright dresses, “I don’t understand what we are doing here,” 

Bambam hums, he is looking for something, his eyes light up when he finds it. “There, your handsome boyfriend with his owner.” Bambam turns Youngjae so he is looking in the same direction as him. 

Is something hard for Youngjae’s mind to process, Jaebeom is in someone else’s arms. It’s not like Youngjae didn’t know that this is what he always did, but he never saw that with his own eyes. Youngjae feels like he will throw up, anxiety making him dizzy, Jaebeom doesn’t even look uncomfortable with him. Maybe it’s his mind playing tricks on him but Jaebeom seems alright as if he belongs here with this man. 

Youngjae walks up to them, Bambam hot in his tracks supporting Youngjae to just end things, to make a scandal. Youngjae stops in front of Jaebeom and the man, Jaebeom doesn’t notice him at first but when the man asks if he can help Youngjae the other boy looks at him. Jaebeom’s face contorts in surprise and discomfort, “what are you doing here?”

“What are  _ you _ doing here? Let’s go home,” that’s obviously not what anyone expected him to say, “Jaebeom, please let’s go home, I can fix this.” 

“Do you know this boy?” The man asks Jaebeom, he isn’t an old ugly man as Youngjae expects him to be. Sure he is older than them, but he still looks good, he has money and he looks good. Youngjae hates him so much. 

Jaebeom looks pained, he moves away so he isn’t plastered against the man’s body, as if it makes any difference now. “We will talk later, now it’s not the moment. Go home, Youngjae.” 

Youngjae used to be good at hiding his emotions, it had come to a point where he even thought he wasn’t able to cry anymore. Sure, these times were long gone, but now it was not the time to cry. He tried to hold it but the tears would fall without his permission, “why can’t you-- please, we will fix it together. And--”

“Listen, boy, I got it you’re sad your boyfriend, I think, has someone else, this is not the place for you to give a show,” the man warns him, some people are looking at them since Youngjae is on shorts and a simple shirt, plus he is crying in the middle of the hall. As the man says that looking at Youngjae as if he will do something about him if he doesn’t leave, Bambam gets in front of the boy so he can put some distance between them. 

“You sound really proud about paying someone to fuck your wrinkled old ass,” Bambam hisses at the man before he can say anything back Bambam turns to Youngjae. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ll take you home, come on,” 

He has to pull Youngjae’s body with him, the boy just won’t move. Jaebeom didn’t say anything else but tell him to leave, he stood there as Bambam took Youngjae with him. Youngjae didn’t even know why he was crying so hard, he was hurt but he still believed he could solve things. He wouldn’t leave Jaebeom with that disgusting man, he would do whatever was necessary to end it. 

“I’m sorry. You know, I wanted revenge because you left me and were living a good life now. I don’t think it’s fair to get success and love. I didn’t think to see you heartbroken would pain me, guess I’m getting soft.” Bambam apologizes but he also sounds annoyed about how he is feeling over Youngjae’s pain. 

“It’s not your fault,” they don’t talk anymore. Just when Bambam drops him off, Youngjae looks at him and he doesn’t know what gets him to say that, but he does. “It was me,” 

It takes Bambam long seconds to understand what he is talking about and laughs as if this is something funny, “you still think about it? And do you think I don’t know? I didn’t even kill that dumb kid, I just thought torturing you with guilt was more efficient than killing you.” Youngjae wants to punch him, but there are two huge men in the car, he would get killed if he did so.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Youngjae snars.

“You should be grateful I didn’t cut your throat, Jae.” Bambam just allows him to leave the car when he gives him a final warning look, “be smart this fucking time.” 

Youngjae ignores his last words, he doesn’t want them to make sense. He goes to the apartment, he is happy Bernie isn’t dead but he can’t enjoy it right now. At least he stops crying, he thinks about everything he can do to help Jaebeom. It shouldn’t be that hard, Youngjae thinks, now he has enough money to pay for the apartment and for Jaebeom’s classes. He can pay everything back to that man or to Elektra, Youngjae doesn’t care who will get the money, all he cares about is that this will end soon. 

It takes Jaebeom over three hours to get home, Youngjae is waiting for him anxiously in the living room, he can’t read Jaebeom’s face when he looks at the other. Usually, he can know when Jaebeom is lying or not, when he is upset or when he is embarrassed, not this time. 

“Who was that man with you?” Jaebeom asks as if he was in the right to ask something like this, Youngjae should be doing this question.

“Why does it matter now?” He asks getting closer to Jaebeom, he isn’t wearing the clothes from before, back on his own. Youngjae doesn’t want to think where he went to change, “we can end that shit show now. You just need to tell me what to do, I’ll pay--”

“God, stop thinking you can solve everything with money. This is deeper than that, our lives are just too different for you to understand.” Jaebeom looks at him and he looks at Youngjae as if he is the one at fault. “Are you happy now? What good was going there done to you? Are you happy to know what I’m up to?”

Things aren’t going the way Youngjae planned them to go, he tries to touch Jaebeom’s face, to caress it so he will see things didn’t change for Youngjae but Jaebeom dodges away from him. “I love you, I don’t think I can solve everything with money. But money is money, if Elektra can get it from that man why can’t she get it from me? It’s the same thing,” 

“So what? Are you gonna buy me from them? Are you gonna be my new owner? I can’t believe you don’t see how fucked up it is, just leave it like it is and I’ll ignore you ever said it.” Youngjae is the one who can’t believe what he is hearing. He tries to not lose his patience but is getting harder and harder. 

“I don’t wanna buy you, what the hell, Jaebeom? I want you to be free, to not belong to anyone anymore, I want you to be happy and to have a good life,” the tears are almost back Youngjae is better at holding them this time. 

Jaebeom scoffs when he looks at Youngjae again, “be free while I owe you my liberty? I don’t think you understand the concept of freedom. Youngjae, fucking grow up this is just fantasizing things. I’m not happy as it is now, what makes you think that I’ll be happy once you give someone money to be with me?” Youngjae’s eyes budge at the words, Jaebeom notices his shock, he shakes his head quickly. “That’s not what I mean, you’re just making it harder for me. It’s just one year, then it will be over.”

Youngjae can’t think, he knows they have their problems but he thought Jaebeom was happy with him. He thought they were happy together, this was the first time in Youngjae’s life that he felt loved. He was happy with Jaebeom no matter how bad things could be sometimes. Youngjae ignores Jaebeom, he goes to their room, looks at his bags still laying on the floor, he hasn’t undone them yet. 

Youngjae’s legs are shaking so he sits on the bed, the boy thinks about all the lies he accepted without complaining. About Jaebeom’s weird behavior that he just dealt with because he was too afraid to say something and end up losing him, and all for Jaebeom to say he isn’t happy with Youngjae. He did it all for nothing. “What the hell am I doing here?” Youngjae says out loud to no one. 

He is thinking about what he should do, he doesn’t get Jaebeom at all. Maybe Jaebeom doesn’t love him like he thought he did, that’s the only possible reason for him to not want Youngjae to help him. Youngjae goes back to the living room where Jaebeom is sitting on the couch, he has his elbows on his knees and hands on his face while he looks down. 

“Are you in love with him?” Youngjae wanted to yell at Jaebeom, but he whispered softly instead. “With that man. Do you love him?” 

“What the fuck is wrong with you? I’d never love someone that pays to have sex with me, someone that sees me as an object. This is not a movie,” Jaebeom isn’t whispering like him, he talks loudly, now Youngjae sees anger clear in his eyes. He remembers what Jaebeom said about hating the person you love, he also remembers Jaebeom saying he would never be mad at Youngjae. “And you’re acting like that now as if I’m an object that you want to take from someone else.” 

“That’s really what you think I want to do,” when Jaebeom shrugs Youngjae sees that there’s nothing he can do anymore. “I’m just trying to get you out of this,”

“Get me out? God, I’m just in this situation because of you! I wanted to give you a better life, to take you out of the streets. I did all because of you, Youngjae. Now you think you’re the one that will take me out?” Jaebeom rolls his eyes as if Youngjae should just know it was all his fault and let Jaebeom deal with it. 

Youngjae feels like his world is falling apart, he always thought Jaebeom had signed this new contract to protect him but Jaebeom would just deny it. Even if he suspected he never heard it, knowing that Jaebeom also blames him. That’s probably the reason why Youngjae can see hatred in his eyes, he hates Youngjae for what he put him through. Youngjae also hates himself for it. 

“If it’s my fault let me fix things now,” Youngjae begs with tears burning his eyes. 

“You can’t fix shit, you are just making things worse,” Jaebeom yells now getting out of the couch so he can pace around in the living room. 

“I don’t think we should be together, we shouldn’t… keep doing this if this is how you feel about me,” the tears finally start rolling down his face lightly. He doesn’t expect Jaebeom to agree to it but he does. 

“Well, I don’t think so either. Don’t even know why and how we did it for so long,” Jaebeom spits the words at him. 

Youngjae is shocked by everything that happened in such a short space of time. Jaebeom doesn’t know how they lasted so long, weren’t they in love? Youngjae takes his bags from the bedroom, not bothering with his other stuff that is in the wardrobe.

“Where the hell are you going? Are you leaving me after everything I did for you?” Jaebeom eyes the bags as if they were spaceships Youngjae was holding in his hands. 

“Fuck you, I never asked for anything,” Youngjae gets out with the apartment having a lot of trouble with the baggage just like before. He thinks he is waking the whole building but he doesn’t care, Youngjae asks for the doorman's help to call a taxi. He can’t really use his phone correctly with the way his hands are shaking. 

The man doesn’t look even a bit surprised that things have come to this, it’s like he knows exactly what happened. Youngjae ignores him, he goes to a hotel, eyes closed the entire time. Youngjae won’t cry over this anymore, he just won’t. He cried enough over Jaebeom like an idiot in front of a lot of people that he doesn’t even know. Right now he hates Jaebeom, he doesn’t deserve Youngjae’s tears. 

Youngjae stays in the hotel for two days without talking to anyone, until Irene texts him saying she will call the police if he doesn’t show up. She went to the apartment and didn’t find him, at least she didn’t talk to Jaebeom either. Youngjae decides to go to her place with all his things, he doesn’t care to call beforehand, it’s not necessary, Irene was waiting for him. 

“What are those?” She asks as soon as she sees his bags, but it doesn’t seem to be her bigger worry, “why do you look like this? Have you been eating or sleeping at all?” 

Youngjae just pushes the bags inside so he can lie on her white couch, Irene tries to cheer him up. She probably already figured out the reason for the bags but she doesn’t mention it, she can be nice like that when she wants to. They watch TV together, Irene even orders food for them, Youngjae just eats it because his stomach groans loudly at the sight of the fish. 

The next day, Youngjae goes to Joy’s apartment, he has some convincing to do. “So, will you go with me?” 

“Youngjae, you’re asking me to go to another country with you. This time to live, I-- my parents will think we are getting married,” but Youngjae can see Joy wants to even if she protests. 

Youngjae thought about it a lot, he was a dumbass, he would leave everything behind for Jaebeom but Jaebeom obviously wouldn’t do the same for him. Youngjae wanted to stop thinking about how much he loved Jaebeom, he would catch himself thinking about ways to solve things between them all the time. But there was nothing to be fixed, their relationship was over, he didn’t know if they'd even had a real one. 

Taking Joy with him to Paris seemed like the best option, he didn’t want to be alone. Joy hated her job and her Uni, he knew she wanted to drop out but couldn’t. Youngjae could help her out with whatever she wanted to do, she knew it was him helping her like a friend, nothing else. “Joy…” he pouts at her. 

“Ah, alright, yes I want to go. Who wouldn’t want to move to France with their best friend? But… what if we fight? What about my future? I need to think about this better,” she doesn’t sound like she wants to think, in fact, she sounds like she wants to jump on a plane right now. 

“It’s okay, think about it. But really Joy, I wouldn’t let you be jobless there, I’d help you with whatever you wanted to do and we won’t fight. At least not seriously, you’re my best friend, I love you.” Joy smiles brightly at him, they decide Youngjae will talk about it with Irene so Joy has some time to think about it. She tries to talk about Jaebeom and how he is doing but Youngjae shuts the subject down. 

Joy is sure Youngjae will change his mind once he and Jaebeom talk things through, but he really won’t. Youngjae knows he is acting as if he isn’t sad or as if nothing happened, and that this isn’t the best way to deal with his feelings but he just needs to ignore it a little bit more. 

Irene is more than pleased to end her contract with Allison and let them know that Youngjae won’t be renewing either. She doesn’t even mind that Joy will join them, the girl texted Youngjae even before he got to Irene's telling him she will go with him. 

“Make sure to make me real rich now that I’m doing what you want,” Youngjae tells Irene one night.

“Oh, I will,” Irene assures him. They visit a lawyer to help Youngjae to understand his new contract. Irene wants him to be sure and to understand everything about it, now he will get way more autonomy over his job. Youngjae will get to decide if he wants to work with a brand or not, it’s good so he won’t have to accept jobs he doesn’t like doing. 

They are going back to Irene’s place after talking to the lawyer, Youngjae already knows when they will be leaving. He will only sign the papers when they get to Paris, but Irene already fixed everything they will need. Youngjae does the dumbest thing he could do, he texts Jaebeom telling him about it, he asks Jaebeom to call him if he wants to talk. It’s dumb, he is the one hurt not the other way around. Still, Jaebeom doesn’t call him, Youngjae cringes at how pathetic he must look to Jaebeom. 

It’s been almost two weeks since he left the apartment, not a sign from Jaebeom at all. Youngjae thinks he has nothing else to lose, he texts Jaebeom again, this time just with the information about his flight. He doesn’t know what he is expecting, but Youngjae wants to get a reaction out of Jaebeom so badly. 

A week before they leave Youngjae decides that even if he is not with Jaebeom he still owes him a lot and he should pay him back. Jaebeom did a lot for him no matter how angry Youngjae was at him. He asks Bambam’s help to contact Elektra, it’s a little hard at first because Bambam wants him to just let go but ends up helping him one more time. Youngjae makes a deal with the pimp, she is the only that has hold of Jaebeom. 

Youngjae only has to give her money for her to free Jaebeom from their contract. He asks for proof that Jaebeom will really be free after he gives her all the money the boy owes her, she doesn’t have anything to give him but her word. Youngjae says Bambam will make sure she does her part, it’s not true but it’s enough. When Youngjae transfers the money to her she sends him a voice file of her telling Jaebeom he doesn’t need to see that man again, nor does he owe her any money. 

Youngjae almost cries when he hears Jaebeom’s confused voice talking to her. It’s the last time he hears his voice. He also pays for all the classes Jaebeom will need ‘till his course ends. At least Jaebeom had a reason to be happy now and there’s nothing tying him to Youngjae anymore. The boy doesn’t care if Jaebeom didn’t want him to do that, but he thinks that might be one of the reasons why Jaebeom doesn’t call him. Maybe, maybe not. 

It’s super weird in the car when they are going to the airport, Joy is clearly excited but she has to pretend to not be because of how miserable Youngjae is. He looks out at the window seeing people carrying on with their lives, he is doing the same but somehow he envies them. It just looks so simple from outside. 

Youngjae knew they would pass the bridge, but he didn’t think about it being the last time he was going to see it. “Can you stop the car? I’ll be quick,” he asks Irene even though she isn’t the one driving. She nods telling the driver to stop, Youngjae leaves the car quickly. He looks at the ocean, it’s dark blue, the waves are strong and the wind incredibly cold. 

This is how Youngjae remembers the ocean being most of the time, this is how he wants to remember it. He feels like he will see Jaebeom standing close to him if he just looks to his side, and will be able to see the lights from the sunset reflected on his eyes. He doesn’t. Jaebeom isn’t there. And the sun isn’t setting. The bridge has never been this empty, Youngjae nods telling himself that it’s okay, things are okay like this. He goes back to the car checking his phone, there’s no missed call or unread text. 

They had to get to the airport three hours before their flight, waiting this long just makes Youngjae more anxious. So he decides to talk to Joy, she can finally talk about all the things she wants to do there, the places she wants to visit. Youngjae assures her they will see everything she wants, the girl wants to learn how to draw as well. Youngjae would laugh, there’s no reason for her to want to learn it there as if she couldn’t have learned it here, but he can’t laugh right now. There’s a knot on his throat. 

“We need to go,” Irene tells them when people that will take their flight start boarding, Youngjae asks her to wait a little bit. They wait for a long time ‘till the voice of the speakers starts calling their names. “We will miss the flight if we don’t go now, Youngjae.” 

“What is going on?” Joy asks him, she looks sad now looking at him, worry in her eyes.

“I-- just a little bit more,” he tells Irene, she also looks worried and that is rare. Irene hides her feelings well. 

“Youngjae, if it was the other way around would you wait ‘till the last second to show up? Would you let him go and not even try to get him back? It’s not worth it,” she says softly, taking Youngjae’s hand on hers so she can guide him to the boarding place. Youngjae looks behind them just one last time. 

Just when the plane takes off Youngjae allows himself to cry again, he cries so hard. The last time he cried like this was when his mom kicked him out and when he thought Bernie was dead. Youngjae sobs on Joy’s shoulder as the girl tells him that it will be fine, he thinks she is crying too, they probably look like they are being kidnaped. But it doesn’t matter, not when Youngjae can feel his heart breaking in his chest. 

Jaebeom was supposed to come, to ask him to stay, to ask him to go back to their apartment. Jaebeom was supposed to tell Youngjae he loves him the same, that they won’t fight or lie to each other anymore. Youngjae hates him. He cries ‘till his head feels like it is going to explode, ‘till a flight attendant asks him if he is alright, Youngjae can only nod at her while he keeps crying. 

Youngjae hates Jaebeom. He loves him so hard that he starts hating Jaebeom. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> id like to thank youngjae for being my entire life jgbvjnvkfs for real he happy im happy :)  
> \- sorry if it's a lot and a bit messy, maybe i'll fix typos/and stuff later  
> \- hope you could enjoy it, i think two or three more chapters  
> \- anyways take care, stay safe!! vote for got7 on choeaedol !!!!! have good days <333


	10. new

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there are discussions of eating disorder (somehow) and suicidal thoughts. literally nothing happens it's discussion about past thoughts but i should warn in case it triggers someone.  
> that's pretty much it. :)

Watching the sunrise and the sunset was something Youngjae was used to, living in the streets made it part of his routine, not that it was something he would do on purpose it was just easy the sun was always there. The sunset has always been his favorite, it was just so pretty for Youngjae the way the different colors played in the sky, also knowing soon everything would go dark and that day would be over.

But since he moved here a year ago Youngjae learned how to appreciate the sunrise as well. Even though meant another day was starting, it also meant the torture of another night has finally ended. He didn’t want to start another day doing the same meaningless things but it was also the only moment he had that nowadays. Every day he dreaded knowing he would have to live another sleepless night. So when it was finally over Youngjae would find peace at least.

Sleeping had become a hard task for Youngjae even more so than before, what was different now is that it would just never come to him. It’s been a long year doing everything he could to exhaust himself, staying hours at the gym, and other times just getting drunk so he would eventually fall asleep even if not more than two hours. Youngjae was always so desperate to sleep, just close his eyes and be free from his tired mind and weak body. 

Every night Youngjae would walk around the apartment for hours, lie on his bed just to go to the couch, and sometimes even lie on the floor with the hope it would make him sleep somehow. It made no sense, and of course, it never helped, if anything it would just make Youngjae even more anxious knowing no matter what he did he couldn’t control his body and put himself to sleep. 

It was always the worst time of the day when the clock would hit 3 in the morning and he was sure he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep at all that night. So Youngjae gave up on trying, he had the idea to go to the rooftop and just watch the night go by. As some people slept and others worked, he watched everything from above. He was just so disconnected from it all. Youngjae couldn’t see stars but the lights in front of him were enough to distract his mind most of the time. He would make up stories about what others could be doing and forget about himself. 

Today Youngjae wasn’t so lucky with it, he sat at the rooftop waiting for the sun to rise, just a few more minutes now, it wasn’t dark anymore. He has a bottle of champagne with him that he’s been drinking for the past hours. Youngjae isn’t drunk and it wasn’t his intention today anyway, it was just something to pass the time, for some reason he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about his mother nor about Jaebeom lately. He is pretty sure is just a way his brain found to torment him, he has been good at keeping any type of thought about pretty much anyone hidden even from himself. There’s really no reason for it to come back to him now. 

Youngjae has cried a lot over Jaebeom but now he doesn’t cry anymore. He just stops himself every time he gets sad over it. Tonight it’s probably the similarly of everything messing with him, he’s been smoking while he looked down. Being here on the edge of the rooftop with cigarettes made him think of the time he would be at the bridge doing just the same. 

Sure it was the ocean in front of him before and now it’s just buildings, he didn’t have champagne with him and much less the warm clothes he has now. The cold breeze there felt totally different from how the air was here. But somehow he feels just the same, the thoughts are alike as well, the sensation that nothing he does is enough, that he is all alone in this world. Youngjae’s stomach hurts just the same, and just like those days, he feels terribly useless, without any way out. 

It’s crazy how Youngjae can find comfort in this feeling, it’s like sadness is the only thing he is supposed to feel. So being like this feels right in a messed up way, as if Youngjae shouldn’t be getting any other thing but this. He has learned to never allow himself any kind of solace, he really thinks that he deserves these feelings. 

Today though Youngjae doesn’t care, he doesn’t care about what he doesn’t deserve or not. Doesn’t care if he fucks things up even more. Youngjae wants to give himself just this one thing, just this time. So he gets his phone from his pocket. He deleted Jaebeom’s number a long time ago, which didn’t matter since he remembers each digit by heart. Deleting it was just to assure himself that he would never use it again, it felt final when Youngjae deleted it. It was supposed to hurt but it didn’t, not when he knew he could remember it wherever he wanted. 

Just like now, he knew he could remember Jaebeom’s number at any time he wanted and just call him, hear his voice after so long without any glimpse of it. Youngjae never thought he would even consider doing this, he was so mad before so he was sure he would just want to forget everything about Jaebeom. But it’s been over a year and Youngjae has not forgotten his number or him, also he has got over his hatred, it wasn’t even real anyway. Youngjae tried to stay mad at Jaebeom but it was no use, he couldn’t do it. 

He doesn’t try to stop himself, to see how much of a bad idea it all is. Youngjae needs to hear Jaebeom’s voice just one last time. The feeling is so strong it’s just like he feels when he is trying to sleep but can’t. When he is like that he knows he will do anything to get what he wants. Maybe is his sleep deprivation speaking, maybe the alcohol is adding to it. Youngjae supposes he should wait and see if he’ll have the same craving later by the end of the day or even in the next ones. He knows he will though, but he won’t have the courage he has right now. This is something Youngjae can only do if he doesn’t think too much about how dumb it is. 

“I should let go of you already,” Youngjae says as he looks down at his phone and starts dialing the numbers. He’ll just hear Jaebeom saying ‘hello’ then he will hang up, the other doesn’t have his new number it shouldn’t be a problem. It won’t be a problem. 

Youngjae’s hands are shaking as he puts the phone on his ear and waits for the other to pick up the call but when he doesn’t Youngjae remembers that there are time zones between them. He tries to figure out what time it must be for Jaebeom but his brain isn’t working well. Youngjae is about to give up on it, thinking maybe it was for the best when someone picks up. 

“Hello?” The voice startles Youngjae because it wasn’t Jaebeom, Youngjae just wanted to hear it, it has been a long time but he would never forget how it sounds and it definitely doesn’t sound like this. 

“Hum, sorry I think I got the wrong number,” Youngjae tells the other man and himself. “This is not Jaebeom, right?” He asks just to be sure if Youngjae really forgot his number it might really be for the best. It means he might have let go of Jaebeom after all. 

“It’s not, but it’s his phone. He can’t talk right now though, who is this? Do you want me to ask him to call you later?” 

Youngjae shakes his head just to remember the man can’t see him, “no, no. Thank you, I’ll talk to him later.” He hangs up before he can hear anything else, the man’s voice is just too soft and beautiful, he speaks gently with no rush. Youngjae tries to make sense of what just happened, it’s late-night there and someone else is picking up Jaebeom’s phone. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what this person might be to Jaebeom. 

It makes sense that Jaebeom would find someone, that’s what Youngjae wanted for him, at first he was angry at Jaebeom, angry at himself for everything that went down. But it didn’t last long, Youngjae wanted Jaebeom to live a good life and to be happy. That was really what he wanted and what he thought would happen eventually, but knowing for a fact that Jaebeom is with someone else hurts Youngjae in ways he didn’t think it would. It’s not even too soon, he should have prepared himself for this. 

The pressure in his chest shows him that he wasn’t prepared at all. Youngjae feels himself getting dizzy as he looks at the first rays of the sun, it doesn’t bring him peace as it usually does. This is all wrong. Everything is wrong with him right now, his hands are sweaty and he feels like he will throw up. Youngjae tries to get to his feet, he does it slowly afraid he will fall, but his eyes are unfocused and he can barely see where he is going. He has no idea how he gets to his apartment and if he makes any noise. Youngjae goes straight to the bathtub getting rid of his clothes, the water is so hot it feels like it is skinning him alive, it doesn’t feel good or bad. 

He stays there ‘till the water goes cold, his body is moving on its own, Youngjae has no power over it. He lies on his bed naked staring at the ceiling blankly, there’s nothing inside of him. He thought he was empty before but now there is really nothing inside him, it’s like Youngjae was emptied of feelings and thoughts. It should help him sleep but it doesn’t. His head is still spinning and he has to go out in a few hours, Youngjae doesn’t know how long until Irene gets here and rushes him. 

The days go like this, Youngjae barely talks to anyone, not even with Joy with whom he lives with. Irene takes him to a new doctor so he can get sleeping pills, different ones since he was already taking something that didn’t work. At least now Youngjae sleeps, is the only good thing that happens to him. Youngjae waits for when he can take the pills all day, sleeping time is like the reward he gets for keeping going.

Working and sleeping are pretty much the only things Youngjae does nowadays. Whenever he has any thought of Jaebeom having someone else he will take his pills. It’s the only way he has to escape. 

Irene thought he would get a normal sleeping schedule and it would help him somehow, everything the pills did though was allowing Youngjae to sleep all day when he didn’t have anything to do. 

Since they were in Berlin this week for a photoshoot Youngjae hasn’t been taking his pills. It’s the only way to keep himself alert but it also makes him crankier and stressed, snapping at anyone that looks at him. Youngjae tries his best to not talk to anyone but Irene keeps getting on his nerves these days.

They are at a theater to take the photos, the shooting concept is ballet. Youngjae has done a lot of research for this and talked with ballet dancers in order to get some movements, see how they use their bodies. Since he moved to France his photoshoots have become more conceptual and artistic. When Youngjae looks back at what he used to do in the beginning he finds it all cheap, now it’s really something he likes to do and that turns out beautiful. He is proud of his results. 

Youngjae was excited for this photoshoot, he knew it would be beautiful but soon he found out things wouldn’t be so easy. The photographer was an ass. Youngjae was getting his makeup done for the third time since they would shoot a different look, it was the only moment he wasn’t getting bossed around by the photographer. The man would yell at Youngjae every other second, he would only stop when his cell phone would start ringing and he would talk to someone and forget about his job. 

So to say Youngjae was angry was an understatement, he was playing his phone as the makeup artist did something in his face. His game was stopped by a call, Youngjae declined it since he didn’t know the number and he was in the middle of a play. But the person calling would call again and again ‘till Youngjae picked it up. 

“What?” He says angrily looking apologetic at the woman taking care of him. 

“Youngjae, right? Why did you call him?” The voice is demanding, is a man and Youngjae can swear he heard it before but he doesn’t have the contact on his phone so he doesn’t know who it is. 

“Dude, I have no idea who this is and I’m hanging up now.” And Youngjae does, but as soon as he hangs up and is about to block the number the man is calling him again. He rolls his eyes in annoyance. He won’t leave Youngjae alone no matter what he does. “I already told you I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

Youngjae can hear some noise, the man then huffs, his voice sounds even angrier. “Listen, I know it’s you, Youngjae. And you were calling Jaebeom. I want to know why! Are you two chatting behind my back? What is it?” It’s just then that Youngjae realizes it must be Jaebeom’s boyfriend, the man that picked up the phone when he called. 

He wants to know how the other figured out it was Youngjae, how he even knew about it. It’s weird to think that Jaebeom had been honest and just told his boyfriend about his past, about Youngjae. That’s the kind of person he is now then, huh? It’s like he’s been punched in the stomach over and over again. 

“I… I was drunk calling, I’m sorry if I caused you any problems.” It’s partially true, Youngjae wasn’t drunk but he was out of his mind. He didn’t want to be a problem in Jaebeom’s life anymore though. 

All he can hear is the man elaborated breathing, is a little uncomfortable but he waits ‘till he says something else. “Jaebeom is happy. With me, he is happy. Don’t ruin things for us,” 

Youngjae is so shocked by the words he can’t say anything back, he doesn’t have the time to anyway. The man hangs up and the woman who was painting his face tells him it’s finished. Youngjae has to go back to the theater stage. He could be upset and devastated, but anger was his to-go feeling. 

If Youngjae was angry before there are no words to explain how he is feeling now. No one realized the change in his mood, but he keeps a scowl in his face when no flashes are going off. Who does this man even think he is to talk to Youngjae like that? He made it clear he was the one making Jaebeom happy and Youngjae would just ruin his happiness. That Youngjae was no good for him. 

The thing is that Youngjae knows this, he has always blamed himself for not being enough for Jaebeom. For not being able to stop Jaebeom from suffering and losing his freedom to protect Youngjae. He has always known this, it wasn’t necessary for anyone to tell him. Youngjae just wanted to call Jaebeom’s boyfriend and tell him to fuck himself. Tell Jaebeom to fuck himself too. 

He’s trying his best to not act like an asshole here, but they have been here for over twelve hours, it was clear that everyone was tired and wanted the thing to just be over already. It was adding to Youngjae's anger that the photographer would stop literally all the time to talk on the phone with someone he would call ‘sweet pie’, it was disgusting and Youngjae was losing it. 

He would breathe in and out slowly thinking about how it would end soon and he would go to his hotel room and be free of this man’s voice. He thought they were almost done when the man told him to make a specific pose that he said it was perfect. Before he could take any photos of the pose he liked so much his phone started ringing loudly, Youngjae groaned, not believing it was happening again. 

“Stay exactly like this, don’t move a muscle,” the tall man tells Youngjae as he gets his phone and takes a few steps away from the lights and the staff. Youngjae tries to stay still but his muscles are burning, he looks at Irene and at least she looks as done as he is. He has time to have a good look at every person on the stage. It makes Youngjae vivid with anger, he has had enough.

“We are done here, you all can wrap it up,” Youngjae announces loudly, everyone looks at him in surprise, not sure of what he is doing. 

“What are you doing? I told you to stay still!” The photographer yells, still holding his phone close to his ear. Youngjae was going to leave it at that, to just ignore the situation but it’s too much, he hasn’t got any sleep this week, his body is weak since he started a new diet, and the stupid call was ringing in his ear. He can’t let it slide. Not when the other man yells at him again. 

Youngjae takes long steps in his direction, he slaps the phone out of his hand making the thing hit the floor loudly. It obviously breaks by the noise it made, the photographer pushes Youngjae strongly almost making him fall so the model pushes him back. “You think you’re better than any of us here? We don’t have to wait for you to feel like doing your fucking work all day and night, you fucking asshole, get off the fucking phone.” 

“And who the fuck you think you are? Acting like you give the orders here… you’re nothing but another whore fucking your way into this. You have no saying in my work. You are nothing, no one will remember your slutty face--” before he can keep going Youngjae punches him hard, his fist hurts by the impact. 

Youngjae hears people yelling, he can see blood rolling down the photographer’s face staining his shirt. People are holding him as if he will do something else. The photographer is screaming saying he will kill Youngjae, everything is happening too fast. Irene is saying something as she pulls Youngjae out of the theater by his arm, he can’t even change his clothes. By Irene’s face she is losing her shit too, she probably scolded Youngjae but he couldn’t hear anything. 

Now she is busy making calls nonstop, Youngjae can’t figure out the words leaving her mouth. The only thing he feels is how his hand aches, it’s like his body can’t focus on anything that is not this pain. Irene leaves him at the hotel but doesn’t get out of the car if she says something Youngjae doesn’t catch either. 

It takes hours for Youngjae to come back to himself, his eyes wide open. He fucked up this time, he is glad he couldn’t hear anything Irene said but he’s sure he will give a lot of shit for this later. God, he will probably be sued. It’s as if Youngjae was anesthetized before and it was running out of his body slowly now, “what did I do? I’m fucked, God, I’m so fucking fucked. What do I do? What do I do?” He repeats to himself like a mantra. 

Youngjae tries calling Irene but it won’t go through. He’s been so good at ignoring everything that was hurting him but everything comes to the surface all at once. Thoughts of him being kicked out of home, the first time he sold drugs and how scared he was, the fight with Jaebeom when he left. And now Jaebeom’s boyfriend calling him, Youngjae doesn’t want these thoughts, he doesn’t want to have any thoughts, tears roll down his face while he gets his sleeping pills from his bag. 

He takes two at once but they don’t work right away, Youngjae paces around the room, he pulls at his hair feeling terrified. It’s hard to breathe and the room is too small for his body, Youngjae can’t take this anymore he just wants to fall asleep to stop thinking. He swallows more pills. He can't be sure of how many but they have to work already. Youngjae goes to the bathroom. He should take a bath. It always helps. But before he can even take his clothes off the room spins and everything goes dark. He can’t be sure if he feels a hard knock on his head or if he imagines it, he can’t see or feel anything after it.

The next time Youngjae opens his eyes is to find bright, way too bright, lights above his eyes. He cringes closing his eyes again, the movement makes his head throb, it’s one of the worst pains Youngjae has ever felt in this life. Slowly he opens his eyes again trying to look around, it’s obviously a hospital room, he tries to remember how he got here but nothing comes to mind. He was at the hotel, he thinks he was at least, something might have happened to him if he is here now. 

Youngjae tries to get out of the bed but his head hurts too much, he touches his forehead and it makes the pain unbearable. “Fuck me,” he doesn’t know how he hurt himself. He keeps trying to recall what happened for almost an hour, it’s just then that people enter the room. Is a tall blonde woman in all white and Irene is close to her, she looks even tinier next to the other. 

Irene runs to his side, “oh, you’re awake!” She drops a kiss to the side of Youngjae’s forehead that isn’t hurt, Youngjae opens his mouth lightly in surprise. He looks up at her and her eyes are red and swollen, Youngjae has never seen her like that. It’s so rare to see any kind of emotion in Irene’s face other than boredom, seeing her sad face is worse than seeing her blank expressions though. Youngjae wants to hug her to make it go away. 

“What happened? Are you alright?” He asks. 

It makes Irene smile as if she can’t believe his words, “you are the one hurt, I want to know if _you_ are alright,” 

“Let’s check it, then?” The blonde woman says looking at Youngjae so Irene gives her some space close to him, “I’m Doctor Wagner, I’m the one taking care of you. Now let’s see how you’re doing,” 

She starts checking Youngjae and making him questions about how he feels and what he remembers. Youngjae answers but no one answers when he is the one asking about what happened. She does explain that he needed to get stitches since he fell and got a cut on his forehead, “will it leave a mark?” 

“Don’t worry about it now, yes?” That’s a ‘yes’ or else she would just say he wouldn’t get it. Youngjae wants to touch the area just to make sure he will be able to cover it with his hair but is afraid it will hurt like before. The doctor tells him she will check on him at night and he will go home in the morning. 

After she leaves Irene is the one making questions, she asks the same things the doctor did so is tiresome but Youngjae doesn’t feel like cutting her off. “I’m really fine, I just don’t understand what is going on,” 

“You passed out in the bathroom, I don’t know how long you were there by yourself. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there, it won’t happen again.” Irene has a deadly grip on both of his hands. 

“It wasn’t your fault, of course, it won’t happen again.” He assures her, Youngjae feels sleepy so he sleeps again. 

The next time he wakes up Irene seems to be less shaken up, it’s better like that, he knows she doesn’t like to be vulnerable in front of others. She tells him about the accident, it happened yesterday and Youngjae has been out since then. He can understand why she was so worried about him, the doctors couldn’t even assure her he was alright before he woke up. Youngjae feels bad and can’t stop apologizing she doesn’t acknowledge it. 

“Did you need an ambulance?” Youngjae wonders now that he thinks about it, Irene wouldn’t be able to take him by herself, also they are in a foreign country so there was non one for her to ask for help. 

“I did… there’s stuff I need to talk about with you. It’s a lot, I’ve been thinking about how to start, and no option seems to be the right one.” Youngjae is confused by her words, it’s like she is really in a difficult position. “They had to run a bunch of exams on you to see if you were hurt somewhere else,” 

“And by your face, I suppose I am?” Youngjae isn’t exactly scared but Irene makes it feel like they found the worst illness in his body. She shakes her head walking to his bed again, she sits at the end of it. 

“You’re alright, well from the fall is alright. But the thing is that you’re obviously underweight so they were worried about it, you’re very anemic too and your digestive system is shitty right now, Youngjae, I don’t even know the names of everything they told me is wrong with your organs. You’re supposed to be in so much pain, why didn’t you ever complain about it?” 

“Because I’m not,” he lies but it’s obvious that Irene knows it’s a lie, he ignores it. “But so what? That’s all? You said you had a lot to talk to me about,” 

Irene’s face closes off at the way he reacts to it. “First, don’t you dare to act as if these things are nothing. They could become even worse if you don’t take care of them. But alright, since you wanna talk about everything at once let me list it all for you. Let’s see, they asked me if there was a chance of you taking pills in order to take your own life and I couldn’t even deny it because I don’t know!” 

“Of course, I wouldn’t!” Youngjae knows it’s not an obvious thing, not with the way he’s been depressed but he wouldn’t do it. He has had a lot of trouble with bad dark thoughts in the past but somehow he convinced himself he would never do anything to hurt himself in any way. He expected Irene to see it on him, “is that the reason why you’re so mad?” 

“I’m not mad! I’m worried about you! So ok, let’s say that was not the case. You still did it, and you passed out and hit your head. What do you think it looks like?” It looks bad he knows it does but she should believe what he says, he tries to say so but she doesn’t let him. “You don’t understand it, it’s not about what I thought anymore is about what others think you were trying to do,”

“What do you mean?” No one knows it but them, how can people be talking about it?

“People have cell phones, there are videos of you getting in the ambulance all over the internet and you’d think that’s bad enough but there’s also a video of you punching that photographer.” Youngjae gasps, it was better if he had slept for more days. “I’ll let you imagine what people are saying, their theories and all, but the top one is about you being addicted to drugs,” 

“I’m fucked.” Youngjae could cry, Irene was right it was too much and he probably shouldn’t have asked for all the information at once. He didn’t want to know any of these, “what I’m going to do?” That’s the question he keeps asking himself since he got in this mess. 

“We will take care of your image, what you should worry about is your health. You might think you’ll get away with it, but you won’t. There’s no way you won’t be taking care of yourself from now on. I’m not gonna pretend I don’t see what you do anymore, we will fix it together,” he knows she is only caring for him but he hates how she says it. 

Youngjae turns his face to the other side just like a kid, he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. Not tonight. He wanted to get his phone and see what people are saying, it’s probably so ugly he doesn’t know if there’s a way out of it now. But Youngjae doesn’t have his phone with him and he doesn’t want to ask Irene for it, he is alright ignoring her and reality outside this room. 

The next day he really gets discharged as the doctor told him he would, it’s not that easy to leave the hospital though. Before he can go back to the hotel he has to see the hospital therapist she needs to give the green light for him to leave. Youngjae has to explain to her over and over again what happened and how it was really an accident. It turns out she gives permission for him to leave but Youngjae has to get treatment when he is back in Paris. Irene tells the doctor she will make sure of it. Youngjae doesn’t doubt it. 

They don’t go to the hotel, instead, they go straight to the airport. Irene gives him one of his bucket hats and it’s really useful, Youngjae doesn’t see anything or anyone. He can hear people speaking and sometimes camera flashes will go off but he does his best to ignore it feeling protected under the hat. Irene takes his hand guiding him. Youngjae has his phone back but is too scared to look up anything, even his texts. 

They go to his apartment straight from the airport, and sure thing there are paparazzi waiting for them. As used as he is with people taking pics of him he will never get used to when these people with huge cameras do it while he is out doing nothing special. Joy engulfs him in a hug as soon as Irene opens the door for him, Youngjae can’t see her face but she sounds like she’s crying. 

“Hey, I’m back. Did you miss me this much?” He says softly but it doesn’t work, Joy won’t let go of him. “Joy, seriously, everything is alright.”

“What happened?” Her voice is low and sad, Youngjae feels extremely guilty for making the only two people he has in his life worry like this. Irene yells from the kitchen that she already explained to Joy what happened. “But I want to make sure he is alright,” and now Joy yells back, still glued to Youngjae. 

He pushes her slowly not wanting to make her even more upset. “I’m fine, I guess it happens sometimes…”

“It doesn’t, people don’t pass out of nowhere as if it’s nothing. I know it was those pills you keep taking. What if you had hit it harder?” They sit together on the couch, arms around each other as Joy explains everything that could have gone wrong making it way worse than Youngjae can actually believe would have happened. 

Irene was trying to cook something, they notice it when the burnt smell got to the living room. But she gives up on going to sit with them. Not as close and Youngjae is sitting with Joy but closer than she usually sits. She settles in asking for food in an all-organic restaurant. When the food arrives Youngjae knows he has no option but to eat it with them, it goes unspoken that even if he doesn’t want Irene will make him eat anyway. 

Youngjae is kinda tired of it the way he is living, he doesn’t know how to say it. How to admit that he wants to taste different food and not feel guilty about it anymore. That he wants to stop counting calories all the time. Maybe admitting for himself is enough, it doesn’t change anything. Every time he has to eat he feels the same way, and he won’t ever eat if Irene doesn’t tell him to. Everything on his mind is still the same. 

He isn’t allowed to leave the house, not that Youngjae wants to but Irene makes sure to state the new rules. She lives in the same building as he and Joy so it is easy for her to make sure he is doing everything she told him to. Youngjae has this week off, he was supposed to travel again but everything was canceled. He’s scared about what will happen next but tries not to think about it, whenever he thinks he starts to panic. 

It’s almost the end of his week off, Youngjae is having trouble sleeping like aways and now he can’t take his sleeping pills. He’s rolling around on his bed when he gives up on pretending he will be able to sleep, this time he doesn’t go to the rooftop but to Joy’s room instead. The light is on so she can’t be asleep either. Youngjae doesn’t knock because he intends to startle his best friend but she is on the phone and doesn’t see him as he enters the room. 

“I already told you that you can’t come! He’s doing alright now,” the person she is talking to says something that makes the girl even more exasperated. “No. You can’t come, you will make everything worse. I don’t care how you-- Youngjae is here, I have to go, mom.” Joy says as she sees Youngjae standing in front of her. 

“No way that was your mom,” Youngjae has never heard Joy talk like that to anyone. She’s too sweet, and even more with her parents, she would never speak to her mom like that. He lies in the bed with her trying to steal looks at the screen of her phone. 

“Are you spying on me? It was her, she’s been annoying me with… something,” Joy puts her phone under her body, secured. As if Youngjae is going to try to get it from her, it only makes things more suspicious. It’s so obvious that it wasn’t her mom, she was telling the other person they couldn’t come here which was weird for Youngjae. 

“With what exactly?” He asks, narrowing his eyes just to see how far she will go. 

“It doesn’t matter. Forget about it,” not far at all, Joy can’t lie to save her life but she can keep things from others well, as long as she doesn’t have to lie. “Wanna sleep here with me?”

“Something like that,” they both know he won’t sleep but they pretend to not know it. It’s late but they still watch movies together, it’s somehow good because it tires Youngjae and distracts him well. Joy’s phone keeps lighting up next to her and that’s distracting but she pays it no mind. 

Youngjae is so tired he thinks he might be able to disconnect for a bit, whenever it happens it is not even a real nap but he can close his eyes, sometimes even have short dreams but his mind stays awake. The room is all dark now and he thinks Joy might be sleeping, he worries for a bit if the person that keeps texting her is somehow a stalker but he’ll wait ‘till she says something or he notices something else. Youngjae is trying not to turn around a lot to not disturb his friend. 

“You need to get better, you know,” Joy interrupts his thoughts, she doesn’t even check if he was asleep. She probably knew he wasn’t anyway. “You can’t be sick,”

Youngjae wants to say that he is fine now, that it was nothing but everything seems so meaningless now. Insisting that everything is ok when everyone knows it isn’t is so tiring. Even if he has no idea what to do next he kinda agrees that things have to change that he has to get better. There’s no way out of it, either he gets better or he gives up, Youngjae can’t keep living his life pretending. 

“Hey, how do you feel about Jaebeom?” That came out of nowhere, Youngjae looks at Joy but is so dark in the room he can’t make out her expression, he presses his lips together not saying anything right away. “It’s just the two of us, tell me the truth. I won’t bring it up again,”

Then why is she bringing it up now? Youngjae wishes he could erase Jaebeom from his thoughts, at least make people stop associating him with Youngjae. “It doesn’t matter anymore, I guess. Like… I really don’t think it’s important so I’m trying to let go. Our lives are different now, there’s nothing else I can do about it,” it’s been so long Youngjae should have let go of him long ago but Joy knows he hasn’t done it yet. “Why are you talking about him?”

“As you said it doesn’t matter. It was just a thought,” 

Again Youngjae can’t believe what she says but he doesn’t bother calling her out on it. Youngjae doesn’t want to talk about this subject more than necessary. He knows she didn’t mean it but even the mention of Jaebeom will mess him up. He had the hope he could sleep before but now Youngjae keeps going back to when he was with Jaebeom. To their small apartment and their comfortable bed, how Youngjae loved holding his hand in public just to see Jaebeom blush madly. Even the small things torment Youngjae, they were the most precious things he had and he didn’t really think like that before. 

Now he misses everything, literally everything. Even if it wasn’t meant to last forever Youngjae wishes he had at least enjoyed it properly. It’s too late for that now. He really should let go of it all. 

  
  
  
  


Running away from reality wasn’t a possibility for Youngjae anymore, it didn’t even last long. He had a meeting with Irene and his agency representative, Youngjae didn’t want to look at the facts, he was doing his best to ignore it all but they gave him no option. The things going on on the media outlets were ugly, the agency had made a statement regarding his accident but it didn’t work as well as they expected it to. So now Youngjae would have to do a public statement as well. 

It wasn’t the main problem for him, the worst part was that the agency expected him to be honest about what happened not because they cared but because they thought it was a good way to change what Youngjae’s image was being associated with. People were sharing diets in blogs saying it was what Youngjae did to lose weight, it isn’t even true but he was scared that people were willing to do a thing that supposedly made him sick. 

This is all on the dark side of the internet, the most seen part and largest one is trying to get his head for being a bad influence for kids and other models. That narrative didn’t sit right with him at all, he wasn’t doing anything to influence anyone, it wasn’t his intention. Youngjae was disturbed because he didn’t want people to go through anything he was going through, realizing he didn’t want others to do what he did to himself was kinda weird too. It made clear that what he was doing wasn’t healthy.

Youngjae didn’t say out loud that he also thought it was bad and he didn’t want to hurt anyone with his actions. But it wasn’t like it mattered, they made sure Youngjae knew it wasn’t even up to him. Even if he wasn’t genuine in his statement he had to do one. Also, he had to publicly apologize to the photographer he punched, it was the only way the man agreed to not sue him. It wasn’t out of kindness, he just didn’t want to come out as a villain for suing a person with psychological problems. Youngjae wanted to punch him again for saying that. 

He does everything he is supposed to, Youngjae doesn’t mean it when he apologizes so he doesn’t care. But talking to people that like and support him how he is doing is something completely different. Youngjae didn’t think it would be so hard. At first, he was totally against seeking help, even though Kaisha, the agency representative, said they wouldn’t keep his contract if he didn’t, Youngjae was determined to not do it. Now it seemed too hypocritical to tell people yes he was having problems but he was trying to fix them when in reality he wasn’t doing anything. 

As much as Youngjae thought he could get better by himself soon he realized he couldn’t. He could force himself to eat but the feeling that he was just getting uglier and ruining everything he worked for wouldn’t let him alone. It was obvious that he needed someone to help him to find some type of peace, to be able to have a somehow normal life. So Youngjae only made his statement once he found a good doctor. 

A doctor that took care of his body first. Youngjae hated taking vitamins and he also had to follow a new diet. It all made him feel like he was betraying himself but he knew he couldn’t stop. The next step was going to the psychiatrist which wasn’t that bad, Youngjae didn’t enjoy telling him how he felt but he could do it to get medication. It was never too deep, seeing a therapist though, that was awful. 

He had to see the woman twice a week, Youngjae would get anxious even thinking about it. It’s not that it was uncomfortable but the thought of going there was worse than actually being there talking to her. The anticipation was terrible. 

The medication was helping Youngjae to sleep well and to be less stressed, that’s why Youngjae liked it. But the therapist would make him talk about things he didn’t want to talk about, that he didn’t want to remember. In the first sessions, Youngjae would barely talk, the woman didn’t make him do it either so it was just them staring at each other which was terribly uncomfortable. That’s why Youngjae agreed to start telling her small things, which should be good but then Youngjae started crying often when he had to talk about himself. He was getting embarrassed about how much he cried in the past months alone. 

“Did you do what I asked in your last session?” Confusion is clear on Youngjae’s face, he has no idea what she is talking about. She raises her eyebrows at him, “we talked about future projects, remember? I wanted you to make a list of what you want for your future, your plans, and dreams.”

“Oh, I didn’t realize I was supposed to make a list. I thought it was just something we talked about and that was it.” Youngjae isn’t lying, if he is completely honest he didn’t even remember they talked about it. The thing is that Youngjae hates thinking about the future because he has no dreams at all. Hearing people talk about their greatest dream makes him uncomfortable because it’s like everyone dreams about something. Everyone but him. “I don’t have any, can we move on?”

She shakes her head and stays in silence, she always does that to make Youngjae think ‘till he cracks and says something that was buried in his mind. Today it won’t work. 

“Alright, you need to have plans though. It doesn’t have to be something big, it doesn’t need to be your life purpose. What I want is for you to have even small plans, to look forward to the next meal you're gonna have with a friend. Or to go to a place you really enjoy. Those things are what keep you going, you know. It’s really hard to keep living your life if you don’t look forward to anything.” 

Youngjae nods trying to make sense of her words. It’s not that he needs to. They make perfect sense he just needs to find a way to apply them in his life. He didn’t know he could consider such ordinary things as plans to look forward. His therapist tries to teach him how to value everything that he hopes for and not just big things. 

She always does that, she doesn’t give him commands on what he should or should not do. The only thing she does is help him to see and find the answer to what he needs to do himself. Youngjae is grateful for that, he doesn’t feel judged by her and that’s what helps him open up. Also, the fact that she can’t tell anyone what he tells her. 

What she really helps him with is to stop thinking he deserves bad things for everything he has done. Like some kind of punishment. It’s not easy but slowly Youngjae tries to convince himself that he deserves good things, that he should go after them. 

Youngjae is proud of himself when Irene notices changes in him, he is not all the way there but she comments on him looking better and even the way he communicates with people. He never realized he had a problem connecting with others, it should be obvious with him only having Joy and Irene as friends. Now Youngjae could consider that he had acquaintances, they were all Joy’s friends and he didn’t feel the need to be close to them or anything. But it was good to at least talk to different people once in a while, to leave their apartment and not feel anxious about it. 

Another good thing was that Youngjae could have Irene do pretty much anything he asked for as long as Youngjae said it would be good for his treatment. He felt bad about it just in the first two times but after it, he didn’t care anymore, he was just doing things for fun, nothing that would hurt her. Youngjae was on hiatus, not because he wanted to but because he couldn’t keep working when people were demanding to see if he was taking care of his health now. It wasn’t good even for the brands he worked with to have him when he wasn’t doing alright, they had to show support to him or something like that. 

That’s how Youngjae got Irene to agree on going on a holiday trip with him and Joy. She would never go on trips if it was not related to work, but once Youngjae said the therapist thought it would be good for him she agreed to it and was in charge to plan everything. It’s not a total lie because when Youngjae let his therapist know about it she really thought it would be good for him to spend time with his friends. 

They decided to go somewhere with beaches, that was strangely easy since they never agreed on anything. The hard part was to decide where exactly they should go, they all had different ideas but in the end, Irene told Joy to shut up and let Youngjae decide since it was about him and not about them. Youngjae was being just so spoiled he felt like the favorite child that always got their way. It wasn’t bad at all. 

Youngjae decides they will go to Hawaii, Irene says nothing to do that just starts looking for reservations. Joy just calls him predictable but doesn’t complain about it either, Youngjae knows she would be happy no matter the place he chose she just wants to go to the beach. And he can admit that he is predictable but he likes Hawaii he could live there.

That’s exactly what Joy says when they get there, she wants to live there forever and even starts making plans about it. “You’re rich, you can afford living here without a job,” she says while they look at the waves. Obviously Youngjae living here equals Joy living here. He doesn’t have such plans but it would be nice to come here more often. 

They go to different beaches every day, Youngjae is obsessed with the sunset here, each beach makes it different but it’s always so pretty. He is taking photos of everything, he wants to keep them forever. Youngjae has never felt this happy and free before, his mind reminds him of when he was with Jaebeom but it was nothing like that. As happy as he was with the other, he wasn’t happy with himself. 

Now it is so much easier to look at himself in the mirror and not hate everything about it. To not feel like everything he does is wrong or harmful. There are a few things missing, but Youngjae can work with what he has now. When he tells Irene he is happy they are in a restaurant by the beach and she just nods but a single tear rolls down one of her eyes. It’s so surprising, Joy’s loud laugh even more. She startles people sitting next to them. And she also mocks Irene the rest of the night. 

It’s not like Youngjae never get bad days anymore, but they come and go more easily. He isn’t always happy either but it happens a lot, is not a rare thing anymore. 

They spend two weeks in Hawaii, the only reason why they go back home is that Youngjae needs to see his doctor. He was even talking to his therapist through video call, which is not the same since he can avert her eyes and not feel her gaze but it was better than nothing. Now Youngjae is starting to plan when it’s the right time to go back to work, he isn’t a hot topic anymore. Things happen all the time, so people kind of gave him a break. Still, Irene let him know that as soon as he announces he’s back they will go back to talk about him. 

It’s a little hard when he is already used to having no obligations other than taking care of himself and amuse Joy. Having to face people again and not be embarrassed about what happened is hard. But he supposes he either does that now or he doesn’t do it at all since it will only get harder. Everyone assures him he has nothing to be embarrassed about and Youngjae tries to convince himself of that. 

He keeps having meetings at the agency building ‘till they can decide what’s the best thing he should do first. And they think a magazine interview is the best option for a first step, just after it he should go back to endorsing brands and just later on go to events again. Youngjae is so nervous about having to talk to a journalist about his personal life, he never does that. Every time people try to get too much from his life he just cuts them off, this time it won’t be an option. 

Even if the questions are going to be picked beforehand Youngjae really doesn’t feel like doing it. He wishes he could just post a statement like he did when he took a hiatus but he can’t. ‘You can’t pretend nothing happened,’ it’s all they tell him and he just has to accept his fate. 

After the long tiring meeting, Youngjae goes back to his apartment just to take his bike and go cycling around. He was obsessed with cycling, it was a thing he would do when he was a kid but never got the chance to do again. On his break, he decided it could be good. And it really was Youngjae would cycle in parks, around the river, and in narrow streets. 

He’s passing by a huge park that is full of people today, they are walking their dogs or just walking together taking pics of the flowers. Youngjae was thinking about how he wanted to get a dog himself. Walking them in these beautiful parks would be peaceful, he needs to check with Joy if she would be okay with that. He thinks they can be good parents to a dog, and even if Joy doesn’t want to he can take care of the dog by himself. 

Youngjae stops by a Cafe he likes on his way home, he loves the pastry here. He gets a small round table by a corner so he can peacefully write in his diary. Is not something Youngjae has always done, actually it was something new to him. But his therapist wanted him to do a lot of new things, so he was taking piano classes, trying to improve his French, and also writing a diary. 

The diary was supposed to make him vent about things that happened on his day, to analyze his own feelings and to see how he reacted to things. Youngjae wrote down how the meet went and was trying to write Irene’s glare. He could only make childish drawings but they would always turn out funny. 

He was distracted, paying no attention to the low talks going on in the place, just focusing on his drawing and the sweet smell coming from the candies. Then a hand is placing a disposable camera at his table right beside his right hand. Youngjae looks up, startled by it when he sees the man in front of him and their eyes meet he feels his heart beating in his throat as if it would leave his body at any moment. 

“Can I sit here with you?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll be honest here if you think this is boring you have no idea how the first draft was or the second one........ it's way better now :]]] the best you can get lmao  
> it's bc i need to develop some things for youngjae and really i hope it didn't feel rushed bc man it was 9k i'll not write more than this..... youngjae is taking baby steps im just not writing everything  
> see you soon hopefully to give you a good ending :DDDDD  
> don't be mad it was plain :xxx


	11. I'm here and I'll be there

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nothing to say other than title from 'Here I am again' by Yerin Baek  
> and... don't skip anything lol read it well :D

Youngjae’s body goes from cold to hot to cold again in a fraction of seconds. He has to remind himself how to breathe and to not freak out. He couldn’t say anything, the only thought on his mind was to run away. He felt like a small animal being hunted. Jaebeom was just standing in front of him for long minutes already and none of them were saying anything. They were just staring at each other, at least that’s what Youngjae was doing. 

His mind wanted him to run, to just get his things and leave Jaebeom here. But his body wasn’t responding, Youngjae had to put his hands on his laps so the other wouldn’t notice how he was already shaking. While he freaked out, Youngjae had time to look at Jaebeom, his face looked softer, nothing was different exactly, he was still the same, but it was more approachable somehow. His hair was wavy and longer than before. He looked so good. 

Youngjae wondered if he should be paying attention to these things, but Jaebeom just looked so comfortable here. The man was standing there and it should be uncomfortable, but he looked like he was happy seeing Youngjae if just a little nervous. Youngjae looked down at himself to check if he looked fine, he was used to the expensive clothes he always wore so it wasn’t surprising that he was well dressed. It was funny for him because his clothes were way more appropriated to the fancy Cafe than Jaebeom’s oversized shirt, yet it was Youngjae who seemed to be out of place. 

When their eyes met again Youngjae felt his face burning up, it was terribly embarrassing to be caught checking Jaebeom out. But the warmth of his cheeks was a nice distraction from the coldness on his body. Youngjae averted his eyes to the table where his things were scattered, with shaking hands he closed the diary and put his pencils away. They weren’t saying anything, and as much as Youngjae was scared to hear Jaebeom’s voice again he was losing his mind just sitting here and it was one of the most uncomfortable situations in his life. 

“Are you not going to say anything?” Youngjae mumbled, still not looking at Jaebeom, his nails seemed way more interesting. He tried not looking at Jaebeom again so he wouldn’t be caught staring. 

It was weird that he was sitting while Jaebeom was just in front of him but the other didn’t sit since Youngjae didn’t give him permission. “I will, yes,” he hears Jaebeom’s soft voice saying, his voice can’t possibly have gotten softer but to Youngjae’s mind it did. 

He waits for Jaebeom to say something else but when he doesn’t Youngjae looks at him, as soon as he does Jaebeom gives him a small awkward smile, he seems pained doing it. And it’s the first time Youngjae doesn’t feel like he’s the only one having a hard time here. 

“I’m not… this is not… I’m not here to ask you for anything. This is not me trying to get a second chance or anything I just needed to see you. To see if you were really alright,”

Youngjae tries not to show his disappointment, mainly because he doesn’t know why he is disappointed in the first place. Is not like he was expecting Jaebeom to beg him for a second chance, to beg for them to come back together. Still, hearing it makes his chest tighten. 

“Okay,” now that Youngjae allowed himself to look at Jaebeom he can’t take his eyes off of him. He’s feeling too much looking at him, Youngjae will have a panic attack if this conversation keeps on going like this, with them taking a two minutes-break every two sentences. “Can you just say whatever you wanted to say then?”

“I just don’t know how to,” Jaebeom admits and now he is the one looking out of place. It wasn’t Youngjae’s intention but he feels better when it’s Jaebeom being the most uncomfortable out of them. “It’s just… after everything that happened I wanted to see you make sure you were alright. I mean, Joy said you were but I had to see it with my own eyes.”

“Did you talk to Joy?” Youngjae asks and Jaebeom’s face morphs into an even more anxious expression. He starts to explain that he approached Joy but they weren’t exactly talking, Jaebeom just wanted to know about Youngjae’s recovery. He doesn’t care about it right now, it’s just the way Jaebeom’s words are sounding in his ears don’t seem right. They are nothing like Youngjae thought they would be if they ever met again. Youngjae is getting more and more uncomfortable by the second, “you just wanted to know if I wasn’t dying or something? If I did drugs or not?” 

“This is not it,” Jaebeom’s eyes are still on him and Youngjae can admit he never sounded or looked so honest before. But it doesn’t make it for him, this is just not how he wanted to see Jaebeom again. Now a lot of words are leaving his mouth and Youngjae can’t even pick up on them, he needs air. He needs to get out of here.

“I think-- I gotta leave,” it’s not that Youngjae is running away from him, but he thinks he should have done it when he had the chance. “Sorry, I’m not feeling too well,”

Jaebeom freezes for a moment and he looks a little pale, Youngjae wants to assure him that it’s not that he did something. But it doesn’t really matter, he shouldn’t be worrying about how Jaebeom feels right now. 

“Sure, sure. I don’t want to make you feel-- just, I really was just so worried about you, I’m glad you seem to be doing alright…” Jaebeom looks down at the table then he is taking Youngjae’s diary and opening it in a random blank page, Youngjae wants to take it back but before he can do anything Jaebeom is scribbling on it and giving it back to Youngjae. “This is where I’m staying, I’m leaving Saturday.”

He doesn’t tell Youngjae to look for him there, giving him the hotel name and address are enough for Youngjae to get it. Youngjae gets his things and gets out of the Cafe without saying anything else or looking at Jaebeom again. It’s pathetic that he can’t get on his bike right away, Youngjae is shaking so much he needs to push the thing for a few blocks ‘till he is sure he won’t fall. 

When he gets home he goes straight to his room, there is music coming from Joy’s room so it’s obvious she is home but Youngjae doesn’t want to see her now. He lies on his bed and yells into his pillow until his throat is burning. Maybe he shouldn’t have left, he barely spoke to Jaebeom and Youngjae doesn’t think he will get another chance to do so. But every time the other would say he just wanted to check on Youngjae the boy felt like he was being punched on the stomach. 

He didn’t quite understand what was happening but it was making Youngjae so frustrated. He went to Joy’s room just getting inside, she wouldn’t be able to hear him knocking anyway. The room was a mess of paint and papers everywhere, Joy smiled when she noticed him. “What’s up?” She said loudly over the music, her smile fading away quickly as she saw Youngjae’s expression. 

Joy turned off the music and asked him what was going on again, she looked so innocent it almost made Youngjae soften. Almost but not quite. “When were you planning on telling me about you and Jaebeom’s newfound friendship?”

“What are you talking about,” it was just then that she put her brushes away, her mouth forming a small ‘o’ the more she looked at Youngjae. “Did he talk to you? I can explain,”

“Then explain,” he crosses his arm going to sit on her bed as she gets out of her chair and goes to sit next to him on the bed as well. Youngjae lets out the part of him meeting with Jaebeom, he wants to know what Joy knows about and what she doesn’t. He knows she won’t lie to him now. 

“He sent me a DM on Instagram when you got hurt. I didn’t want to talk to him but he wouldn’t stop messaging me, I could block him but I thought that was too much he was just worried. I mean, I was worried too I could relate to him.” She takes Youngjae’s hand on hers and she is already looking like a kicked puppy. “Don’t be mad at me,”

“I’m a little,” Youngjae admits. It’s not like he expected Joy to ignore Jaebeom. And it’s not like they will fight and stop talking to each other. But he was hurt she didn’t tell him about it. “Why did you keep it a secret?”

“Honestly? He wanted to come all the way here, and I didn’t want you to get even more hurt. I love you, I don’t know what happened between you two but I saw what it did to you. What good would Jaebeom do here when you were trying to get better?” 

And that’s what makes Youngjae angry, he looks at her shaking his head not believing what he just heard. “Was it up to you to decide if we should see each other or not?”

“Oh,” they let go of each other’s hand as Joy seems to be figuring something out. “You wanted to see him.” 

“That’s not it,” Youngjae denies. And it’s really not about what he wanted or not because he isn’t sure himself if he wanted to see Jaebeom, it’s about Joy going behind his back and making decisions for him. “It just wasn’t up to you.”

“I’m sorry. I know saying I wanted to protect you won’t make a difference but that’s really what I was trying to do.” She apologizes again and again, Youngjae ends up saying it’s fine, and it is since they can’t go back in time and change things. He just asks her to never do it again. Which she promises she won’t, that’s enough for him. 

Youngjae keeps thinking about what could have happened if she hadn’t interfered, he probably wouldn’t want to see Jaebeom anyway. Joy was right to assume it, which he’s even more sure of when she tells him how Jaebeom would daily ask about how Youngjae was doing and nothing else. Youngjae didn’t want to feel pitied. He wanted Jaebeom to miss him. 

That was an awful realization, that he wanted Jaebeom to care, to want to see Youngjae because he missed the other and not because he got hurt. It’s been too long for Jaebeom to have any kind of feeling for Youngjae like this though, matter of fact he was dating someone else. Worrying about someone you used to love was natural he thought, it didn’t mean anything. Youngjae still loved him, it didn’t mean he had to feel the same.

Things were a little awkward between him and Joy but Youngjae never left her room, he stayed on her bed even when she got out of the room to get food. He wasn’t hungry so he closed his eyes and slept. The best way to stop thinking about Jaebeom and what it meant seeing him here was by sleeping it off. He would be able to think better about it in the morning. 

It wasn’t what happened, Joy had to drag him out of bed. It was past 1 in the afternoon when he finally left her room and she made him eat something. She didn’t say anything but her eyes were pretty judgy and Youngjae could tell she was acting as if she was right when she said Jaebeom wasn’t good for him. As if bringing Jaebeom’s back on his life was the reason why Youngjae was being all depressed now. She didn’t even know about them seeing each other, it was better to leave it like that. 

Youngjae knew the problem wasn’t seeing or talking about Jaebeom. The problem was how much in love he was still in. It didn’t matter if he saw Jaebeom or not, the feeling wasn’t going anywhere. It was obvious for him now. Seeing the other was just what triggered him, it was just a small reminder of how Youngjae felt about him. He spent the entire day thinking about Jaebeom and if there was any chance of him being in Paris just to see Youngjae. It seemed stupid to do something like that when he couldn’t be sure if he would find Youngjae. 

But if that was the case it would be just too sad that they only met for a few minutes and barely held any conversation. Youngjae rethinks how he acted and if he should have been more open to Jaebeom. It’s not a matter of Jaebeom deserving it or not. It wasn’t even about him, it was about how Youngjae felt. About how much he wanted to have any kind of conversation with Jaebeom. About how much he wanted to be in the same space as the other boy and just look at him. It was about how much he loved and needed Jaebeom. 

Youngjae has had a lot of talks with his therapists about what he should seek in his life, there is not a right answer to that though. The thing he actually learned is that he is supposed to live the now, he wasn’t supposed to be holding onto past things or to just wait for the future. He knew Joy wasn’t a big fan of Jaebeom, her only reason was being Youngjae’s best friend, so she wouldn’t support him going after the other but it just had to make sense for Youngjae. 

If Jaebeom had more to say Youngjae wanted to hear it, and if it was just about him being worried about Youngjae that was fine with him. Youngjae wanted whatever Jaebeom was willing to give him, even if it was just one last time. He wanted them to be with him even if they wouldn’t end up together. 

Jaebeom was supposed to leave on the next day. Youngjae supposes he doesn’t have a lot of time left to do something about it. It’s stupid to stay in his room worrying about what he should do when he would like to be in Jaebeom’s room instead. He throws on the first clothes he can find taking only his phone and wallet with him. 

“Are you going out?” Joy asks as he passes by her in the living room. “Hey, it’s 1 AM!” 

Youngjae doesn’t have time to talk to her about it or to make up a lie. If he told her where he was going she would probably try to speak him out of doing it, and Youngjae doesn’t know if his will is strong enough to keep going if he hears anyone saying it’s a bad idea. 

It doesn’t take that long for Youngjae to get to the hotel Jaebeom said he would be, still, he can’t stop rocking his legs at the back of the Uber all the way there. Youngjae doesn’t even have a plan, maybe he should have waited ‘till the morning and planned it better. He doesn’t know what he will say to Jaebeom. But at the same time, it’s Jaebeom, no matter how long they go apart it will always be Jaebeom. Youngjae knows exactly how he feels about him, having a plan would help him calm down but in the end, he wouldn’t follow it. 

He walks into the hotel, is not an expensive fancy place, it’s vintage and there are some young people getting out of it. Youngjae’s heart is in his mouth as he looks at the place, he can imagine Jaebeom here, it looks like a place he would be. When he finally talks to the receptionist Youngjae makes sure his French is on point, he has never put so much effort to talk to someone here.

“Sorry, but Lim Jaebeom has already checked out.” The receptionist tells Youngjae with an apologetic smile on her face. 

“This is not possible, can you check again?” Youngjae spells Jaebeom’s name for her, which by her face doesn’t seem necessary but she takes pity on him and checks it another two times, she even asks the person who last talked to Jaebeom if he had really left. The answer is still the same. Jaebeom has left already, two hours ago. 

It makes no sense, two hours ago it was still Friday. Youngjae stays at the hotel for another thirty minutes trying to call Jaebeom nonstop. He doesn’t know where to go, should he look out for Jaebeom? The city is too big he would never find Jaebeom and his phone is turned off, he probably already left for the airport. This is all bulshit for Youngjae, he can’t even feel guilty about not coming before. Jaebeom should have told him exactly when he was going to leave. 

Youngjae has not cried over the dumb meeting with Jaebeom yet, and he won’t cry. It’s like a rope is tightening around his throat, bringing tears to his eyes but Youngjae won’t let them fall. He briefly thinks about it being meant to be, or better he and Jaebeom not being meant to be. The thought leaves him quickly though, it makes no sense to believe that just because he didn’t get there in time it was destiny. 

If it was destiny Youngjae wanted to go against it. 

He doesn’t go straight home, instead, Youngjae goes to see the Seine. He likes to watch as the water moves, the lights are so pretty and doesn’t matter how late it was the lights would brighten up the place. There were a lot of people as well. It didn’t bug Youngjae it was like he was alone here. He felt alone. He has ignored how lonely he felt without Jaebeom for a long time, but now he couldn’t do it anymore. 

He stayed there ‘till the morning came, and maybe one or two tears were shed. Youngjae ignores it. 

It is not his intention to stay the next two days in bed without getting out of it even to shower. But all Youngjae can do is stare at the ceiling of his room or sleep, he asks Joy for Jaebeom’s Instagram account but she denies it. “Only when you go back to function, then I’ll think about it.” It's all she says. 

Youngjae rolls his eyes, he tries to find Jaebeom’s account by himself. He has no luck with it so he gets out of bed, takes a long shower, and eats with Joy just to make sure she watches it. Just the next day, he asks for it again. “I’ll hack your account if you don’t let me see it.”

“Idiot. There’s nothing interesting there. It will be the disappointment of the year,” she mocks him. And Youngjae doesn’t know it means ‘till she finally lets Youngjae know Jaebeom’s username. 

There’s no picture of him, not even one selfie. His profile picture is a weird painting Youngjae has never seen before. And all his posts are of the ocean, Youngjae doesn’t understand it at first but then he notices he knows where those pictures were taken. Every picture has the date it was taken on the caption. 

“He is so weird. He didn’t seem like that before,” Joy comments looking over Youngjae’s shoulder as he looks at the photos. 

Jaebeom has started posting pictures he took at the bridge three months after they broke up. Youngjae really digs up ‘till the last post. He wishes Jaebeom had written something else so he could know how he was feeling. But there’s a thing Youngjae is sure about, Jaebeom missed him almost every day. 

The very next day after Youngjae called him and Jaebeom’s boyfriend picked up he posted a bunch of pics. It was raining. The pics aren’t good, you can barely see anything but the rain hitting the lens. He hasn’t posted anything since he went back home. 

He was thinking about Youngjae when he took those, he is sure of that. Youngjae can’t let Jaebeom forget about him. 

Youngjae locks his phone, dropping it to the couch. “I can’t lose him,” he was talking to himself but Joy starts saying something that Youngjae can’t even pay attention to. “I’m going after Jaebeom,”

It wasn’t something he planned on. Going to the hotel was all Youngjae was going to do. But Jaebeom is the only person Youngjae can ever love. He is so scared but he needs to be with him.

“What? What do you mean with that?” Joy’s voice starts to get shrill, “where are you going to see him?” 

“Whenever he is,” Youngjae is thankful Joy doesn’t try to talk him out of it. It’s clear on her face that she isn’t happy about it but she has the sense of not saying anything. Youngjae buys a flight ticket for himself, it’s the first time he is buying it himself instead of asking Irene to do it. It’s also the first time he goes anywhere without Irene or Joy with him. 

Youngjae used to do everything by himself, before the whole modeling thing it was just him. He doesn’t know when he got so used to relying on Irene to pretty much everything. Joy wants to tag along but Youngjae thinks it’s about time he goes back to doing things without needing someone by his side. It’s not as if he thinks it will be easy and everything will go the way he wants. But Youngjae wants to be able to hold his own hand if everything goes to shit. He started this thing with Jaebeom himself, if this is how things end it will be by himself as well. 

Joy helps him with his bag, Youngjae doesn’t want to take a lot of things. He doesn’t plan to stay there for long nor he can do so. On his way to the airport, he calls Irene telling her they need to reschedule the photoshoot and his interview. It was supposed to be in two days, that’s why he wasn’t brave enough to say it to her face. 

“What’s wrong? Are you feeling alright?” Irene sounds worried, he hates it, not because he feels like she doesn’t trust him to take care of himself but because he was the one that made her be always ready for something bad to happen. “I can talk to the magazine director,”

“I really need you to because I won’t be in Paris next week. I mean, I won’t be in Paris in a few hours,” he is ready to hear Irene yell with him so he even closes his eyes but it never comes. 

She hums, “that’s… irresponsible considering you agreed on the date we sat but it’s the first time you pull something like this so I’ll let it slide. Next time you won’t be so lucky,”

“Won’t you even ask where I’m gonna be?” Irene not freaking out is just so weird for him, he thought she would go to the airport and take him back home even if she had to drag him by the ear. She just laughs loudly startling Youngjae. 

“I know exactly where you are going, Youngjae. I knew you would find your way back to him soon or later,” she says the last part a little disgusted, “you’re impulsive and crazy about him. It actually took a lot longer than I thought it would.”

“You don’t think this is a bad idea?” Youngjae hasn’t thought about asking Irene for help with it because she’s way judgier than Joy. But she is taking it well and isn’t even surprised. 

“Oh, I think it’s the stupidest idea, don’t get your hopes up about me thinking that’s something smart. But if you don’t do it now you’ll be thinking about doing it even twenty years to come, so good luck?” 

Youngjae it’s grateful but at the same time the way she says it just makes him even more nervous that he will just fail. This is not the kind of thought Youngjae wants to have right now. Irene tells him that if he isn’t there to shoot once they set a new date she will take a flight and bring him back. He is starting to think it won’t be necessary at all. 

He wants to give up on it so badly now, forget about going, and about Jaebeom altogether. But Irene was right when she said that if he doesn’t go now he will be thinking about going for a long time. He won’t ever get rid of the thought of trying to be with Jaebeom. So he might as well just go for it, failure or not. 

Youngjae does his best to sleep and not bite his nails all the flight, he can nap just for two hours or so. When the lights are turned off Youngjae keeps his eyes open while he listens to one of the kids in the flight talk her parents’ ears off. It’s relaxing in a way, her biggest worry is how long ‘till they get to Disneyland, she can’t even sleep. He wishes that was what he was worried about too. 

It’s like the flight will never end, the kid seems to think so as well. But when the plane lands Youngjae wants nothing more than for it to start flying again for at least two more hours. It’s not like he will be seeing Jaebeom right now but the thought of them being in the same city again freaks Youngjae out. It’s not the same as both of them being in Paris. Now they are in their city, the place where Youngjae first met him. It’s completely different for Youngjae. The way his heart is beating now makes it very clear for him. 

He regrets going at least ten times on the way to the hotel he will be staying at. He should have thought better about it. When he gets to the hotel Youngjae just lies in the bed thinking about what he should do now. He feels like he is being a dick for coming all the way here without letting Jaebeom know beforehand. What if he messes things up between them even more? Maybe Jaebeom and he just met each other in Paris by chance, not that he has any idea what Jaebeom would be doing there. Not everything has to be about him. 

The only thing giving him hope is the fact that Jaebeom gave him his hotel address. But he wasn’t there anymore when Youngjae looked for him. So his only hope isn’t that good but Youngjae is ignoring the negative side of it. He tries calling Jaebeom, that’s the best way to solve things. But Jaebeom doesn’t pick up. 

Youngjae feels like breaking his phone, Jaebeom never picks up when he calls. If it’s not his boyfriend picking it up it’s the call that won’t go through, Youngjae hates it so much. But he also doesn’t want to call a bunch of times and look like a crazy person. He waits a few more hours to call again but this time the phone is turned off. 

He thinks where he would be able to find Jaebeom, the dance company maybe but he thinks Jaebeom has finished his course already. Going to the bridge would be just a pathetic way to wish Jaebeom was thinking about him, and he will not do such a thing, yet at least. It’s a little hard and Youngjae feels like he isn’t respecting Jaebeom’s space, but he really doesn’t want to go back to Paris without seeing him. 

So he goes to their apartment, it’s not theirs anymore, it’s Jaebeom’s. And he doesn’t even know if Jaebeom still lives there or if he sold it. It would make sense for him to sell the thing since Youngjae paid for it before leaving and he knows Jaebeom can be very methodical about stuff like that. But it’s his last hope, well at least before going to the bridge and calling Jaebeom ‘till he picks it up like a lunatic. 

The building looks the same, Youngjae has to remind himself that it hasn’t been even two years yet, things don’t change completely so fast. Still, for him, it seems like he hasn’t been here in a lifetime. He walks as fast as his shaky legs will allow him, Youngjae was going to ask the doorman if Jaebeom still lived there but he thinks the man won’t let him in if he isn’t even sure about it being Jaebeom’s apartment. 

It’s a different doorman, Youngjae doesn’t know this one but he looks at him with a scowl just like the past one would do. “Where are you going?” He asks with a fake smile when Youngjae just bows at him and goes straight to the elevator. 

“303,” Youngjae says in a small voice afraid he will stop him or say no one lives there but he just nods his head and Youngjae is free to go. It was easier than he thought, and for some reason, he didn’t want it to be. 

He stands at the door for a long time, it’s not like he will back off now but he needs time to breathe. Even looking at the gold ‘303’ at the door makes Youngjae emotional. He finally decides to knock at it lightly, scared to even hear the bell sound again. Youngjae isn’t sure if anyone will open it for him but before he can try calling Jaebeom the door opens. 

A tall guy with a mushroom haircut stands in front of him, Youngjae panics. He is more afraid that this is Jaebeom’s boyfriend than it being the person that lives here now. “Yeah?” He says giving Youngjae a friendly smile. The guy who called him knew about Youngjae, so he supposed he would know Youngjae’s appearance as well. This guy hasn’t yelled at Youngjae yet so he is a little hopeful. 

“Is Jaebeom...” he starts but doesn’t know where to go with it, lucky for him he doesn’t have to say anything else. 

“Oh, are you friends with him? Please come in,” he pulls Youngjae by the arm and closes the door behind them. “I’m Yugyeom, by the way. Man, I’ve been trying to get Jaebeom out of that room for so long maybe you are luckier.”

Youngjae doesn’t say anything right away, he can’t believe Jaebeom still lives here. He never went away and he didn’t change anything in the apartment either. It’s all still the same, he looks around and from here he can see the black burn on the wall near the stove from when Youngjae tried to make tea and almost burned down the building. He wants to go there to see it up close. 

Yugyeom cleans his throat when Youngjae doesn’t say anything, “you’re his friend, right? Because I kinda have to give class right now but I didn’t want to leave him by himself even though he is ignoring me today.”

“We are… friends, yes. I’m Youngjae,” he isn’t expecting it when Yugyeom’s smile vanishes from his face and his mouth opens slowly just to close again without a sound. Maybe he is Jaebeom’s boyfriend after all. 

“Youngjae! Oh my God, please do something about it. I can’t stand his crying ass about the Paris fiasco.” Yugyeom isn’t looking at him as friendly as before but he doesn’t look like a jealous boyfriend either so is probably alright. Youngjae is trying to make out what he said about Paris when Yugyeom gives his back a small pat, “I have to go, please fix it.”

Youngjae hoped Yugyeom would at least make Jaebeom leave his room so they could talk but the boy leaves the apartment in a hurry. Youngjae can’t blame him since he said he had somewhere else to be but he also doesn't want to enter that room right now. Youngjae takes his time looking around now that he is alone. The only different thing is the small fridge magnets, there are a lot of them. 

There is a schedule hanging on the fridge, it says ‘monthly classes’. It takes him a few seconds to get what it means, but when he sees the ‘kids class’ on two different days he gets it. Jaebeom gives dancing classes now, Youngjae smiles thinking about how it fits him well. Jaebeom is such a caring person, so attentive too, Youngjae is sure he is doing a great job at it. Youngjae is just so happy for Jaebeom he forgets about how nervous he was as he slides his fingers over the pink paper. 

He knocks on the bedroom door that he never had to knock before, but Jaebeom doesn’t make a sound. Of course, he doesn’t, Youngjae just knocks again and he’s startled when he hears Jaebeom’s voice. “Since when do you knock? Leave me alone,” for a moment he thinks Jaebeom is talking to him, and he is but he doesn’t know he is the one knocking. 

Youngjae considers just getting inside but he is already invading Jaebeom’s space a lot by being here without the other knowing about it. So he just knocks some more ‘till his knuckles hurt and he has to start knocking with his other hand. 

He starts knocking hard and he can hear Jaebeom’s angry huff coming from the room. Youngjae can’t knock again because the door is being opened with so much force it hits the opposite wall. “Stop fucking knocking!” Jaebeom yells but his voice dies on his throat when he sees Youngjae standing in front of him. Jaebeom has his hair in a ponytail and he is wearing a black hoodie, his favorite hoodie, the one Youngjae would steal from time to time. 

It shouldn’t be attractive when it’s obvious that he’s been living in this room for a least a few days but Youngjae can’t help how he feels. He wants to kiss Jaebeom so bad, to find out if his hair is still as soft as it was before. If he still has the same smell, and if his lips still fit perfectly against Youngjae’s. 

Youngjae doesn’t know what comes in him when he walks closer to Jaebeom, but now they are standing so close he can feel Jaebeom’s breathing on his lips. “How much did you miss me? Were you thinking about me all those times you went to the bridge?” 

Jaebeom still looks a little shocked by Youngjae being here, his breathing fastens and Youngjae would do anything to put his hand over his chest to feel if his heart is beating as fast as his own. Jaebeom nods slowly as if he’s still trying to process what is happening. “I go there almost every day after work. But there’s not a single day I’m not thinking about you.” 

Jaebeom’s face gets even closer to his, Youngjae is about to give in. He doesn’t want to talk right now, he wants to touch Jaebeom. But there’s something he needs to get out of the way. “Even with a boyfriend? You still go there even while you’re with someone else?” 

“Yeah. I mean it was just something I couldn’t let go of, even when I was with someone else. But I’m not anymore, with him… I’m not with him,” before he can even finish what he is saying, Youngjae is pressing his lips over Jaebeom. It’s just them, there’s no one else it’s just them. 

Jaebeom’s hands go to his waist as he pulls Youngjae inside the bedroom, but Youngjae pushes him away. “Was it because of me?” 

He shakes his head but then he nods, Youngjae raises a brow at it. “I mean it was us. He knew I was trying to forget about you, he was understanding but when you called I was the one who didn’t want to try it anymore.” Jaebeom pulls Youngjae’s hips against his own, it’s so hot in the room. “If there was a possibility of you still wanting me… Youngjae, I fucking want you, do you want me?” 

Youngjae smirks as he bites his lips, there’s just a way he can answer to that. He pushes Jaebeom on the door holding him by the shoulders, Youngjae missed them so much. He doesn’t just press their lips together this time. Youngjae kisses Jaebeom as if it’s his life’s purpose, running his tongue over his teeth, exploring each centimeter of it. 

He sucks Jaebeom’s tongue into his mouth ‘till the other is letting out muffled moans that Youngjae can barely hear. They roll their hips together and it’s the best sensation Youngjae has felt in a long time. Youngjae hasn’t been with anyone else after Jaebeom, his hand and toys were his only company. It doesn’t really matter for Youngjae except for the fact that it makes him too desperate to have Jaebeom right now. 

They are so pressed against each other it’s impossible to breathe, their mouths never pulling apart ‘till Youngjae has to push Jaebeom lightly in order to breathe. They breathe like they just ran a marathon, it’s hard to catch their breath, and Youngjae laughs when he looks at Jaebeom’s red-ish face. He places a kiss at the corner of his mouth. “You’re so cute,” 

Jaebeom makes a face returning the kiss, “really? You kiss me like that and say I’m cute?” But the smile on his face is pretty telling. He likes being called cute, even though Youngjae can agree this is not the best moment for that. 

“You’re also so fucking hot and sexy. You have no idea how much I wanted to feel you again, to be yours,” Jaebeom pulls his hair so they can kiss again, but this time he doesn’t let Youngjae press him at the door. He walks them to the bed as they fall together, Jaebeom is on top of him. They aren’t doing a good job at kissing, all they do is bite and breathe into each other’s mouth as if they are malfunctioning. 

Youngjae takes Jaebeom’s shirt off with the boy’s help. Youngjae notes he isn’t so skinny as he was before, he looks stronger now, and it’s beautiful. He looks down at himself and even though he hasn’t taken anything off Youngjae feels a little uncomfortable. 

“What’s wrong, baby?” Jaebeom kisses him again, hands under his shirt, Youngjae tries to ignore how insecure he feels but Jaebeom notices it. “Hey, do you wanna stop?”

“No,” he says way too quickly, “I really don’t. But I don’t look like I used to, hum, my body kinda…”

“It’s perfect,” Jaebeom gives an open-mouthed kiss to his neck just to look back into his eyes, fixedly. “It’s perfect for me. You’re so hot, I’m so attracted to your body, I love it in any way. I’m attracted to you. I fucking love your body, baby,”

Youngjae nods, he believes Jaebeom, he sounds so honest about it and it’s not like Youngjae can’t feel his hard dick pressing over his stomach. Still, he is a little self-conscious about it, he doesn’t even think it changed a lot but it’s been a while since Jaebeom saw him naked. Still, he gets to his feet so he can take off his clothes though, the way Jaebeom watches him makes his entire body burn. 

“So hot,” Jaebeom’s hands slide all over his body before he also gets up and takes off his sweats and underwear, he pulls Youngjae back on the bed this time to sit on his lap. “I wanna fuck you so bad,” his hands are all over Youngjae again. Jaebeom is squeezing his ass and his thighs so hard Youngjae knows it will leave marks, he’s crazy to see them in the morning. 

“Yeah,” it’s all he has time to say before Jaebeom is kissing him again and pressing him back onto the bed. They kiss for a little longer but their bodies obviously need more than just kissing, they keep rolling their hips together and it isn’t the best way to get off. 

Jaebeom reaches into a drawer so he can get the supplies they’ll need. But he doesn’t use it right away, he kisses every part of Youngjae’s body first. He gets goosebumps whenever a kiss lasts too long and Jaebeom adds tongue or teeth to it. His entire body is shining with sweat and saliva, Youngjae is losing his mind with each touch. 

He would always be mindful of how loud he was but right now he can’t care about it, “come on, Jaebeom. Jaebeom,” he moans the older’s name like it’s a prayer. Jaebeom has Youngjae’s legs over his shoulders, he was kissing at his inner thighs but now he looks up at Youngjae with clouded eyes. He seems to be as gone as Youngjae is. 

Jaebeom nods as if he is making up his mind, then he goes down again. Youngjae expects him to finally touch his dick, but instead, he gives a long wet lick from Youngjae’s perineum to his balls. Jaebeom sucks on them just for a few seconds before Youngjae is pulling hard at his hair, he can’t take much more of it. “I--” he can’t get anything out because despite the hold he has on Jaebeom’s hair he goes back down and mouths at the tip of Youngjae’s dick. 

Youngjae’s eyes roll so hard he has to close them tight. Jaebeom keeps teasing him by licking his entire length and sucking at the tip but never doing more than that. Youngjae needs to beg for him to suck him off already but it’s not much difference because when Jaebeom finally does it’s like the torture has only begun. He swallows Youngjae’s dick all at once just to slowly get it out of his mouth and repeat the process again, each time doing it just a little bit faster. 

Jaebeom has never sucked him off, Youngjae’s brain can work well enough to remind him that in fact, he has never got a blowjob in his life. He wants to believe that’s the reason why it feels out of this world, why he can feel Jaebeom’s tongue on the underside of his dick perfectly, and also the reason why he cries out when Jaebeom tongue plays with the slit.

That’s what makes it for Youngjae. He has no time to warn Jaebeom before he cums, hips thrusting on the other’s mouth with force a few times ‘till his body goes completely slack. Youngjae doesn’t think it was that long even if it felt like an eternity ‘till he opens his eyes again, and Jaebeom is kissing his stomach, Youngjae didn’t even know it was a thing for him. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t see it coming.” He apologizes but Jaebeom just shrugs it off, he looks more pleased with himself than anything else. He goes back up to kiss Youngjae and he is pretty sure this is the dirtiest kiss they have ever shared, it’s dirty in every way. 

“You’re ready for another one?” Jaebeom asks with a smirk on his face, he looks so hot it’s blowing Youngjae’s mind that he gets to be with him. He nods and takes the tie off of Jaebeom’s hair, it’s not really functional because it gets in the way and he can barely see Jaebeom’s face. But it’s even hotter when Jaebeom puts it behind his ears. Youngjae wants to take a picture of him. 

Youngjae pulls him down for another kiss, holding him when Jaebeom goes to his neck. He is so distracted by how good the kisses feel and how warm their bodies are sticking together, he only notices Jaebeom got lube in one of his hands when the older boy moves his body between them to make space for his hand and starts circling Youngjae’s entrance with his middle finger. 

In no time Youngjae is a loud moaning mess again, and to his surprise, Jaebeom is also moaning when the only thing he is doing is fingering Youngjae open. He does so with so much care as if they have never done it before, Youngjae would tell him to hurry up but he needs the prep. Jaebeom is the one that seems to be desperate but he stays as delicate as is possible at the moment. 

He goes up to three fingers and keeps on opening Youngjae for a long time ‘till the boy complains about it. Jaebeom isn’t even saying anything anymore, he just looks at Youngjae from time to time to check if he’s still on board with it. When he takes his fingers out Youngjae groans begging him to put his dick in. He would be embarrassed about it later. 

Jaebeom slides the condom on and wets his dick with lube quickly. Then he is putting Youngjae’s legs over his shoulders again, and if he is being honest he is grateful Jaebeom is keeping them spread ‘cause Youngjae was feeling too weak to even do that. He slowly gets inside of Youngjae, they have their eyes locked, and as much as Youngjae wants to close them he wants to see Jaebeom’s face even more. 

“Fuck,” Youngjae moans breathlessly and Jaebeom does just so. He prepared Youngjae so well but he doesn’t seem to have all that patience anymore. Jaebeom doesn’t give him too much time to get used to the dick inside him but he doesn’t mind it, not when Jaebeom is thrusting in and out of him so hard and Youngjae feels like he never had it so good. 

The noises they are doing are so obscene, all Youngjae can hear is their skin slapping together and their hard breathing. He ends up closing his eyes at a special hard thrust, Jaebeom drops one of his legs and turns Youngjae’s body a little so he doesn’t have his back on the mattress all the way. Jaebeom holds him by the waist as he fucks him intensely. Youngjae is pretty sure they have never done it like this. 

Youngjae can’t bring himself to ask for more or harder, he is pretty sure his voice doesn’t work anymore. His mouth is just so dry. While everything else seems to be so wet. Jaebeom is fucking him with so much force Youngjae can see as the sweat rolls down his stomach. He has to close his eyes for a second again, maybe it was a little longer ‘cause the next time he opens them it’s for Jaebeom’s hand stroking his dick to the same pace he is fucking into him. 

“You-- it has only been you,” Jaebeom tells him when their eyes find each other again. Youngjae isn’t sure of what it means exactly but he also couldn’t care less. Jaebeom’s dick keeps hitting his prostate and Youngjae can feel it this time when his orgasm approaches him. He tries to tell Jaebeom but all that leaves his mouth is a pathetic attempt at the word ‘cum’. 

It seems to be enough, Jaebeom strokes him faster and fucks him harder. He can feel himself clenching around the other’s shaft, and then he is cumming again making an even bigger mess on his stomach and on Jaebeom’s hand. Youngjae tries to open his eyes quicker this time so he can watch Jaebeom. He is a little oversensitive but it’s worth it when Jaebeom finishes inside him, Youngjae’s name on his mouth. 

Youngjae bites Jaebeom’s lower lip just because it is right in front of him and he can. Jaebeom whimpers and it’s the sweetest sound Youngjae has ever heard. They lie together for a few minutes, Jaebeom on top of him. There are dry tears on his face that Youngjae hasn’t noticed before. It’s incredibly hot in the room and they are sticky but it doesn’t even matter to Youngjae, he has dreamed about having Jaebeom’s body on top of him for so long now. 

They have to take a shower because there’s no way he will sleep like this no matter how tired he is. It’s just when they are in the bathroom that he notices the socks on Jaebeom’s feet, “I can’t believe you fucked me with socks on. I’m never letting you near my body again,”

Jaebeom laughs as he looks down at the thing and takes them off, “I can make you break this promise in two seconds,” he says, pushing Youngjae to him and kissing Youngjae slowly. There’s no reason for them to rush it now. 

They take a bath instead of a shower, Jaebeom straddles him on the bath tube and they jerk each other off again. “You gonna break my dick,” Youngjae complains once they are done and Jaebeom half carries him to the bed. Jaebeom has changed the sheets and it smells nice. The bed might not be as comfortable as Youngjae remembers it but the feeling of Jaebeom laying on his back is way better than in his memories. 

Youngjae feels so comfortable here it’s like he never left, except that this time it feels better than it used to. He and Jaebeom were having froot loops even though it was too late for breakfast, it was too peaceful with Jaebeom telling him about how he started giving classes. Youngjae felt his face hurting from how hard he was smiling while looking at Jaebeom. Everything about him was perfect, and he looked so happy, Youngjae never noticed it before but this might be the first time he’s seeing Jaebeom genuinely happy. 

Once they finish their food Jaebeom walks to Youngjae to give him a kiss, a kiss that soon becomes two, and three. ‘Till Jaebeom is sitting on his lap so they can make out for a bit, it doesn’t last long because someone rings the bell a little after it. “I’ll get it quickly, don’t move,” he says, resting his forehead on Youngjae’s own before he goes open the door. 

Youngjae turns on his chair to see whoever is at the door, and it’s Yugyeom. He is saying something about checking on Jaebeom since he didn’t pick up the phone. “Did you two fight?” The taller boy asks, his eyes glued to Jaebeom. 

“Hi,” Youngjae says from the living room.

“Oh, hi,” Yugyeom looks at him and he blushes lightly when he looks at Youngjae. He is only wearing one of Jaebeom’s shirts that only covers about half of his thighs. The worst part is how there are marks all over Youngjae’s thighs, he feels like burying his head in the ground. At least he bothered putting on the shirt. 

Youngjae can’t tell who is more uncomfortable, Jaebeom is the only one who doesn’t seem to mind it. 

“I don’t think it was a fight, right?” Yugyeom says, he is trying to look at anything but at Youngjae which he makes pretty obvious by the way he is looking behind himself as he says the words. 

Jaebeom looks at Youngjae seeing him being uncomfortable just like Yugyeom, “and I think you should leave now, yeah?” They don’t even say good-bye, Jaebeom closes the door on his friend’s face, he hugs Youngjae’s side and gives his cheek a kiss. “Sorry about that,” 

“That’s fine, he was just checking on you,” they seem to be close, Youngjae is glad Jaebeom has a good friend that cares about him like Yugyeom does. It’s just weird for Youngjae because he knows nothing about Yugyeom, it’s a little reminder that they have been apart for a long time and there’s a lot about Jaebeom that Youngjae just doesn’t know anymore. They will have to stop ignoring the fact that they have to talk. “You know we have to talk,” 

“I was hoping we would just not do it,” they sit together on the couch, Youngjae really loves how they are cuddling each other but this isn’t the best way to have a serious conversation, so he puts a bit of space between them. There is just too much for them to talk about, Youngjae won’t make the same mistake of pretending it’s not there just for it all to explode on their faces later on. “I know we won’t ignore it, I was just hoping.”

“I don’t know how to start though,” Youngjae admits. 

“That’s fine, I think this is on me anyway.” Jaebeom’s fingers are caressing Youngjae’s arm and it feels nice being like that. “I’m sorry… I know saying that I’m sorry about pretty much everything sounds very simplified, but I am sorry about so many things. The way I lied to you, the things I said, letting you leave, not being with you when you needed me. Guess I fucked up a lot,” 

Youngjae shakes his head, they are both resting their heads on the couch, Youngjae’s leg over Jaebeom’s lap. “You don’t have to apologize about any of this, of course, I have my regrets too. You weren’t the only one at fault so don’t act like it. The thing is that I think I understand why things happened the way they did. I just want to know how things will go from here, not from before but from now.”

“I want to leave things behind too, but I don’t know if I deserve it. Aren’t you mad at everything I did?” Jaebeom looks down now, not sad but not as happy as he was before. Youngjae is a little confused, sure he was mad at Jaebeom at the beginning but it’s not like he would be mad at him forever. He wasn’t so self-centered to put all the blame on the other. 

“I’m not. I’m not the most understanding person, that’s not it. But I know it was hard for you, you were trying your best, I was trying my best too but it wasn’t enough. It’s not your fault that our lives were so fucked up,” he rests one of his hands over Jaebeom’s cheek receiving a smile in return for it. Maybe it won’t be so hard. 

“When I didn’t go to you it wasn’t because I was mad you paid for my debt, it was because I was embarrassed about it. I was so embarrassed you had to rescue me when I was the one trying to save you,” a tear rolls down his face. It must be so hard for Jaebeom to say these things when he isn’t even a person that talks about his feelings. “I was such an idiot, I wasted so much time thinking about how much of a failure I was when we could have been together.”

“Stop beating yourself up about it. You don’t need to save me, you know, you helped me so much. It’s not a matter of saving each other, but of being there,” Youngjae he doesn’t want Jaebeom to be tied to it anymore, if anything he thinks it was good they were apart for a while so they could grow up on their own. “If I didn’t make it obvious already I still love you, I have not stopped loving you for a second. Why would you be blaming yourself over something in the past when you can be with me now?”

“We can? Like we really can be together again, won’t we just hurt each other again and again ‘till we destroy every bit of love left?”

“Jeez, that’s some dark shit. We won’t do that,” Youngjae laughs but Jaebeom still looks unsure, “dude, we really won’t do that. If we didn’t destroy it before when we were fucked up why would we do it now that we can even hold an adult conversation like we are doing now.”

“An adult conversation? What were we having before? Kids talk?” Jaebeom’s face is a little less pained, and it only gets lighter once Youngjae kisses him. They hold each other’s face like it’s the most precious thing in the world, Youngjae thinks it’s neat that they get to act all lovey dovey now, that’s something he has always wanted. 

“Hey, why did you go to Paris?” He asks after a while, he thinks it was because of him but if it wasn’t Youngjae will be a bit embarrassed about how fast he jumped into things. 

“That’s where you were,” Jaebeom says simply and it’s all the explanation Youngjae needs. His heartbeat goes crazy out of nowhere, this is just like hearing Jaebeom saying he loved him for the first time. He explains to Youngjae how he had no idea how to find him there and it was completely out of luck when he saw Youngjae at the Cafe. The younger really thinks they have some sort of luck, even if it's a little fucked up at times. 

He gives Jaebeom shit for leaving before he said he would since it just put them apart for even longer. They stay on the couch all day making out with the TV turned on to make background noise, not that they aren’t being noisy themselves. Later Jaebeom takes him to a Mexican restaurant near the bridge. It’s new, Youngjae has never seen it before. 

“It’s the first time I don’t come here by myself, now all the waitresses can stop trying to flirt with me,” Jaebeom smirks when Youngjae notices that one of the waitresses won’t stop looking at them. 

“Wow, pretty popular, aren’t you?” He rolls his eyes at Jaebeom when he laughs. Youngjae isn’t jealous, Jaebeom doesn’t even like women and it doesn’t really matter if they flirt with him or not. 

Which is really interesting to him it’s how they know Jaebeom by name and even what he likes to order. Youngjae wonders how many times he has come here by himself after going to the bridge since it’s so close and it’s where they’ll go after they are done eating. 

The food is amazing here so he can understand why Jaebeom is so obsessed with it, and he smiles nonstop seeing Youngjae eating. It makes Youngjae feel a little funny, his new eating habits make Jaebeom happy, how weird is that? The best part is when Jaebeom doesn’t even complain about Youngjae paying the bill. 

They walk to the bridge hand on hand and when they get there Jaebeom takes a bunch of pics of him with the ocean behind him. It’s dark so he doesn’t think it will turn out in a way they can see the waves but Youngjae is pleased by it. He can’t stop posing for Jaebeom, he is so used to posing for rude photographers it feels nice posing for Jaebeom again now that he actually knows how to do it. “Will you post those on your Instagram account?”

“Yeah,” he snaps another pic of Youngjae but this one is way too close to his face for it to turn out good, Youngjae is pretty sure it will just be his nose. “Not this one, it’s just for me,”

Youngjae likes looking at the bridge again, it’s a change being happy here and not ending up having an argument with Jaebeom for once. They stare at it for a long time, then they go home and have sex ‘till Youngjae can’t move any muscle anymore. He is just trying to enjoy each second he still has here. 

Jaebeom has to work the next day so he goes to the hotel to take his things. He wasn’t going to take everything since Youngjae didn’t want it to feel like he was using the apartment like a hotel. But Jaebeom insisted he did, there was really no reason for him to keep going to the hotel just to take clothes. He talks to Joy most of the time he is there alone, but once Jaebeom gets back home he won’t even touch his phone anymore. 

They talk about everything that happened when they weren’t together, the only thing they never talk is about Youngjae going back to Paris. If the first time they did it they moved together right away this time they won’t even be on the same continent. They don’t talk about it because it’s hard to do so, even when Youngjae thinks about it he feels like pulling at his hair ‘till he can find a solution.

There’s no solution, they are together but they won’t be physically together. It’s not like Youngjae can just stay here when he has a contract, and it’s not like he would do it even if he could. It’s the first time Jaebeom takes him to the airport, and it’s also the first time Youngjae cried since he got here. He hugs Jaebeom ‘till he can’t stay one second longer. 

“Don’t look like this, will we manage,” Jaebeom assures him, he has no idea how he looks but if it’s anything like he is feeling then it’s bad. “I love you, it’s always me and you,” 

Youngjae hates the flight, hates it when he gets to Paris, but getting to his apartment isn’t so bad. He likes his apartment a lot. And seeing Joy isn’t so bad either, Youngjae isn’t mad at her, he wasn’t that mad before. And she is supportive of him, she still doesn’t trust Jaebeom. She knows nothing about what happened between them, Youngjae doesn’t feel right telling her something so personal about Jaebeom’s life, but either way, she doesn’t like Jaebeom because he made Youngjae suffer. It’s probably her job to put Youngjae first.

“I was going to ask if it was worth it but I already know it was, everyone does.” It’s the first thing Irene says when they see each other, she hugs him when he gets to her apartment but nothing else. Youngjae knew someone would probably take pics of him and Jaebeom together but there are more photos than he imagined. 

His comeback it’s more people talking about him getting back with Jaebeom than about what happened. Youngjae shouldn’t think this is any better but for him it is. He gives the interview to the magazine and does the photoshoot, Irene doesn’t allow questions about his love life but it’s all people talk about. Youngjae doesn’t care because Jaebeom doesn’t care. 

Youngjae flies back to America after less than four weeks and turns out long-distance relationships it’s worse than Youngjae imagined. He talks to Jaebeom a lot, they video call each other every day but nothing is enough. It’s easier for him to go see Jaebeom since he can take time between a trip and another but Jaebeom can’t stop giving classes. But on the first opportunity they get Jaebeom has Yugyeom covering for him and Youngjae pays for his flight tickets. It was a little surprising for him that Jaebeom accepted it, but it would make no sense for him to pay for something so expensive when Youngjae could do it. 

Jaebeom is overly nice to Joy but when she keeps being rude to him for no reason he starts biting back. Youngjae doesn’t even care about them acting like little kids, they will just have to deal with each other. 

“You two are disgusting I can’t take it anymore, it’s the middle of the day!” Joy huffs at him when Youngjae leaves his room. He knows exactly what Joy is talking about. 

“Just put on your earphones,” he shrugs at her going to the kitchen to get an apple for Jaebeom. 

“I should start living with earphones on then,” but she doesn’t even look so angry. Youngjae tries to not be so loud when he fucks Jaebeom later but he is pretty sure Jaebeom is being deliberately loud. He has no shame in his body. 

They go to a lot of tourist spots as if Youngjae was a tourist himself. It sucks when Jaebeom has to leave and Youngjae has to go back to his normal citizen life though. 

They keep seeing each other once a month for a few months but Youngjae feels like he can’t have it like this anymore. There are just four months left for his contract to end, he was already having talks about renewing it but Youngjae doesn’t feel like he wants to do it. He doesn’t want to stop working, but he doesn’t want to do it like this either. 

“I think I’ll be a freelance model,” he tells Jaebeom over the phone one night. “I don’t want to see you once a month, I want to be with you every day,” Youngjae admits, he isn’t embarrassed about it. They have come a long way, now they can talk sincerely about their feelings. 

Jaebeom is quiet for a second and Youngjae is afraid he doesn’t want it, “it will make you happy?” 

“I mean yeah, if we are living in the same place, same city. I’ll be happy,” 

“Make it the same apartment as well,” Youngjae relaxes once Jaebeom says that. If it’s mutual and Jaebeom wants to do the same as him it will be easier. 

And it’s really easier than he thought to tell Irene he doesn’t want to renew his contract. She doesn’t make a big fuss out of it, she just tries to make sure he is certain about it. And he is. It’ll be weird leaving his apartment behind so Youngjae won’t sell it. He thought Joy would want to stay in the place but she and Irene decided to move to Hawaii. Youngjae can’t believe his ears when Irene confirms Joy isn’t lying and she will really live with her, under the same roof. 

It’s not like Irene will stop working, she will keep doing so since Youngjae will keep working as well, just not as much as he was doing before. And Joy can make her paints anywhere, she would like to do it better at the beach anyway. A part of Youngjae would like to go with them, it has been the three of them for a long time but it’s nothing like being with Jaebeom again. 

Living in their apartment again feels surreal to Youngjae. But it’s just like that in the first few weeks, he gets to meet Jaebeom’s new friends and Jackson too, he thought they weren’t friends anymore but they are still close. Youngjae has fun but once the weeks pass by and he has nothing to do by himself when Jaebeom is working he gets anxious. He cleans the house every day out of boredom but Youngjae doesn’t want it for his life. 

Youngjae gets as many jobs as he can without needing to go to another country. But he is getting bored with it as well. He loves their apartment because it was the first place he had to sleep after years living on the streets but he thinks maybe he can let go of it now. He buys a restaurant in Hawaii, at first, he says is just for investment purposes but he starts going there more and more to see how things are going with it, even though Irene helps him with everything. 

Then he buys a house as well, Youngjae is taking little steps but it’s obvious for him and for Jaebeom as well that he is done living here. “Would you be able to work in Hawaii?” 

“What is this a job offer or do you want me to become a surfer?” Jaebeom mocks coming to sit with Youngjae on the couch. Youngjae rolls his eyes because Jaebeom knows this is not what it is about. 

“Not a job offer because you’re not a cook, but becoming a surfer is up to you honestly. For real though, what if you gave classes there? I don’t want you to give up on what you like to do or anything, it would still be the same--” 

Jaebeom interrupts him with a chaste kiss, “alright. I wanna go with you,” Youngjae laughs thinking he is joking because there’s no way Jaebeom would just agree with it so easily, he had a plan. A long plan where he would try to convince Jaebeom in different ways every day. But Jaebeom isn’t joking, he says he really wants to go. 

Even though Jaebeom was working at the company where he studied and it was a really prestigious place it didn’t bother him to have to start again somewhere else. Youngjae guesses both of them had to start again a lot of times in their lives, it is not as scary as in the beginning. 

Joy is the happiest about it, even more than Youngjae and Jaebeom. She is always with them even when Jaebeoms says to her face that he is sick of her always tagging along. He gets along better with Irene now, and every time they go out together all of them will bicker most of the time. Youngjae has no idea how Irene and Joy can live together when they can’t stop having dumb arguments.

All in all, Youngjae doesn’t feel so guilty about having to go abroad from time to time to work. He really didn’t want to leave it behind. And they are all more like a family now, Jaebeom will hang out with Joy even when Youngjae and Irene are traveling. Jaebeom’s work is more exciting here too, his students go to competitions and it takes a lot of his time but he loves it. 

Youngjae is playing on his phone when Jaebeom gets home a bit late one night, he pays him no attention but Jaebeom drops his body on top of his squeezing Youngjae’s internal organs. “Let’s go to the beach, I need to relax.”

It’s not even going to the beach when they live right in front of it and they just have to open their front door. Youngjae leaves his phone on the couch, back hugging Jaebeom as they walk. The sky is full of stars. It’s not their bridge but Youngjae can admit this is way prettier. He and Jaebeom will come here almost every night. He drops kisses to Jaebeom’s neck, they are innocent at first since his boyfriend seems to be pretty entertained by the stars but soon Jaebeom is pushing against his front. 

“This is so pretty,” Youngjae says holding him in place with both hands at Jaebeom’s hips making sure there’s no space between them. “But I could be with you anywhere,” he bites a bit too harshly at the juncture of Jaebeom’s neck making the older man moan lowly. 

Their house isn’t the only one around so they can’t really do much more than that in there. They stay by the ocean for a long time with Youngjae holding Jaebeom and teasing him ‘till Jaebeom takes him by his arm pulling him back to the house. They don’t even make it inside, they jump on the pool already naked and it’s one of the hottest things for Youngjae when Jaebeom just can’t wait to be fucked. 

Youngjae has to hold Jaebeom against the pool titles, Jaebeom is so out of it when they are done Youngjae just keeps dropping kisses to his face and neck. There’s a lot going on Youngjae’s mind while he looks at Jaebeom’s peaceful face. There’s so much he wants to say to him, but he has no idea how to convey his feelings into words. 

Jaebeom changed everything, it’s not that he changed Youngjae, he changed the world Youngjae was living in. After all this time it was him, and him only. Instead of saying anything he just rests his head on Jaebeom’s chest and hugs him, their legs interlaced together and arms around each other. 

“Thanks for being here,” he whispers in Jaebeom's ear, not worried if he hears him or not. Youngjae hugs him more. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aw man thank you for everyone who has been on this with me ://// i was actually very sad to end this, my favorite fic i think???? just bc i love them ://///  
> i cried a bunch of times when i was writing lmao.. but gotta say boodbye :x  
> btw i was going to leave some things for imagination but i had fun writing it so if you don't like something imagine it in another way ghvfjef for real thank you i hope you enjoyed it as much as i did :))) <333

**Author's Note:**

> quick note that the Elektra Jaebeom mentions i stole from the show 'pose' watch it if u haven't she isn't a pimp there, but well i do what i like 
> 
> guysss i don't know if i will have the same readers but anyways i never ask for kudos or comments like never ever did i know it might be hard for some people, but if just for this story if u could it would really be appreciated, this is the first time im writing after 11 months, deppression really be winning this year and im trying to get back on track... so any words 
> 
> anyways sorry for making it about me .. back to the story the title is about a future scene... lmao wait till u see it and i promise to comeback with better chapters promise!!!


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